Andrea Remembers

Where to begin?!?

2012-01-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Because I've waited so long to update, I'm overwhelmed with all the things I need to catch everyone up on! I suppose I'll start with the flight from LA to Buffalo - especially now that the trauma of the experience has worn off and now I can finally laugh about it...

Read more »

I will update soon - I promise!

2011-12-20T20:48:00.001-08:00

Thanks for being patient with me!

Going Home.

2011-09-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the month since I last posted!

The weekend of August 12th, I attended the third annual Camp Widow in San Diego and again, had a fabulous time. It was held at the beautiful Marriott Marquis and Marina, and I was reunited with some of the wonderful friends I made from the first one in 2009, and made even more. I decided not to volunteer this time, and use that weekend for a true vacation. My sister-in-law and her new husband who also live in San Diego kept Jacob and Sydney for the weekend (thank you so much, Brandi and Scott!!). They hung out with their awesome cousins Heather and Trevor, visited with Uncle Greg, got buried in the sand at the beach, climbed on real trains, experienced canoeing for the first time, went for ice cream, attended a festival where they played tug-of-war and other fun games, got body paint, jumped in bounce houses, and in their down time, Sydney played dress up and Jacob's very loose top front tooth came out!

Not long after we returned from San Diego, we went to Buffalo for the second time since our move to California. Getting there was an adventure in itself... We flew from LA to JFK, and were supposed to take a connecting flight from JFK to Buffalo. All flights into Buffalo, Rochester, and the surrounding areas were cancelled due to storms, and there were no flights available until the next day. I ended up driving from JFK to Buffalo. That's the WAY abbreviated version, but someone please remind me to write the full one - it's a cool story!

This trip was much different than the last... Last year when I went back, I didn't really even want to be there. I was scared to death of going back, and while I was there, I wasn't really "there." This time, I could not wait to go back.

When I moved to California, I couldn't get away fast enough. I needed to be far away from everything- the house, the town, the people, the places we went to.... everything. I couldn't continue living the life that Matt and I had together without him there. Since my life had changed so drastically with losing Matt, EVERYTHING needed to change. It might not work for everyone, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I didn't escape the pain of his loss, and it didn't make me miss him less, but it made going about the daily motions more bearable, and allowed the kids and I to have new experiences that we never would have had otherwise being on the opposite coast. The sunshine and warmth was healing, I made wonderful new friends, and was closer in proximity to my brother and Matt's immediate family. Up until maybe six months ago, I didn't even have the capacity yet to miss anyone but Matt, so it was easy to leave.

About a month or so before I went to Buffalo for this most recent trip, I got the crazy idea that I wanted to move back. I don't even know where it came from, but it hit me like a brick and has been an overwhelming pull that I haven't been able to ignore. When it first hit me, I really wondered why I was torturing myself with the thought. I found myself agonizing over the decision. I obsessed over the pros and cons and drove myself completely nuts. At first it was pretty 50/50, but the more I thought about it and was as objective as I could be, it became very clear.

Read more »

NEWS FLASH!

2011-08-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna break my own rules and be a little political here... (By the way, I LOATHE politics, and I'm not knowledgeable about the stock market, or anything else financial for that matter.)

However, in light of what I've seen the past few years, I've come to a pretty confident conclusion...

CORPORATE AMERICA rules the country - not the government.

A bit of evidence:
http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/breakout/fear-street-inside-stock-sell-off-204130841.html

PS- I have even more evidence, but I'm keeping my mouth shut - for now.

Daddy's Bike

2011-08-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

The past few days, I've been on a cleaning binge. Everything has been looking filthy to me, and lately I've had the energy to do something about it. Yesterday, I finally washed the van (inside and out), and decided while we were at it to wash all of our bikes.

Matt's BMX bike hasn't been washed since he last rode it in 2008. Sounds crazy, but I just wasn't ready to wash the dirt off of it that he put on it. Dirt that came from where we used to live together. It was the bike he rode around the yard and driveway with Jacob. He had sold his mountain bike (much to my surprise) not too long before his accident because he knew with his new job he wouldn't have the time to ride like he used to, plus when he did have the time, the local trails were usually too sloppy from rain to ride on. His road bike went to his dad who has put it to good use.

I decided to finally wash his bike - he never would have let it stay that dirty. It's been ridden by my brother and me, and I'd like to keep it in the condition that Matt would have - especially since Jacob will enjoy riding it someday.

When I started washing his bike, Sydney came over and asked if she could help wash Daddy's bike, and also so I wasn't doing it alone. My barely four year old, sensitive, insightful, sweet daughter came up with that on her own. Jacob joined us, and the three of us lovingly washed Matt's bike together.

Summer Fun 2011

2011-08-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

Wow - I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted! We've been pretty busy...

I got to be a grown-up and go see fireworks with a few friends for the Fourth of July (actually on the 1st), then the kids and I traveled to San Diego to be with the Rows for that week which is always such a great time! At the end of our visit, we all drove up to Six Flags Magic Mountain for another day of fun before heading home.

Matt's birthday was on July 11, and the kids and I celebrated his life in our usual way by getting an ice cream cake (his favorite), and the kids also wanted to get him flowers.

Jacob, Sydney and I headed out on July 16 for our first real road trip... I had decided the month before we were going to travel up to Northern California to visit friends and explore our new state, but I'd been so busy right up until the last minute that I didn't have much time to make very detailed plans, so we kind of winged it and it evolved as it went along. It probably ended up better that way than if I had planned out every little detail!

Read more »

An update, and then some...

2011-06-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news is, since Jacob has played that CD about 563 more times since my last post, I'm beginning to become desensitized to it, and starting to form new associations to the music - for instance, both kids singing along together. Bittersweet...

I love my sister so much. I texted her a few days ago to ask her if she still has her old phone since Verizon is charging us for not returning it, and fortunately she does. I called her today to share my victories in organizing my house with her, and she said that one of the first thoughts she had when she got my text about the phone was that I'm making progress because I'm actually looking at my bills!!! Hahaha!! She knows me better than anyone in this world.

For some reason, when someone is going through a difficult emotional time (I learned recently that this isn't just associated with a loss, but with a major funk of any kind), the bills seem to be the first thing that suffers. I don't know why, but it seems like any incoming mail (good or bad) ends up in piles and pushed aside. Bills or not, there the piles sit... It takes almost everything you've got to build up the gumption to sit down and open up the envelopes and deal with their contents. It's only very recently that I've started (mostly) keeping up with the mail that comes in. For some reason, the same applies to outgoing mail - that's even harder for some reason. I know I owe a million people thank-you's for a million different things, birthday cards, etc..... My apologies to everyone. I've thought about it LOTS, so if it's truly the thought that counts, then I might be in the clear.

My sister recognized the fact that I not only must have opened the Verizon bill, but actually LOOKED at it and am even questioning it! For her to "get" that was so amazing to me. It even opened up my eyes to see that I'm making more progress than I even thought! Thank you, Michelle!!!!

I've been living in California now for almost two years - it's only been two and a half since Matt's death - and it seems I might FINALLY be getting settled. Even though I may have made it "look" like I had it together shortly after we arrived, it's taken me this long.

And I'll let you in on a little secret.... There are probably lots of books, articles, etc. out there with tips and tricks for getting organized, but I had a simple revelation recently that put it all into perspective (and you're getting it here for free - he he):

Read more »

Train music.

2011-06-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

Jacob has this "All Aboard" CD from John Denver... Back when I worked at Gow, before Matt died, one of the parents and I got talking about our kids (among many other things) and she recommended this CD to me for Jacob because of his love of trains. It's full of train songs, and we used to play it all the time. It's upbeat, happy music that Jacob got a thrill out of listening to. Right after Matt died, when my house was full of people, Jacob really wanted to play the CD again. I couldn't deny him. So, had Matt just died, I have a silent houseful of people, and this happy music that used to bring so much joy to our home was playing - it was all a very strange irony.

Fast forward to this home, two and a half years later. Jacob found the John Denver CD that we used to play all the time. That played that day. He was SO excited to find it, and I was excited for him! Until he played it. As I listened to the music, my heart sank and took me right back to the last day I heard that music. It's been playing over and over again for the last 3 hours. Thank god it's bedtime (well, a bit past now) or I think I'd have to jump off a nearby cliff.

Getting caught up...

2011-06-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted a true update with what's going on in our lives, so here goes!

I made a difficult decision to stop volunteering with Soaring Spirits in order to focus more time and energy on my kids and my home (and myself). I also decided to go forward with starting up my college consulting business for students with dyslexia and other language-based learning differences. I'm planning to be full swing by the fall, and start bringing in some money to the household.

Sydney's full-day preschool program has been discontinued, and that spurred the mad search for preschools for next school year since she still has a year to go before Kindergarten. That led to me finding a school for both her and Jacob, since I want to keep them together. Not only do they get so excited when they see each other in the hallway, on the playground or in the cafeteria, but it's comforting for them, and for me for them to be together. Plus, it's easier for drop off and pick up.

I found a school that has both a preschool and elementary school on the same campus, and they will offer the kids a wonderful well-rounded education. Right now, the public school system here pretty much only offers reading and math - no science, PE, art, music.... Anything extra has to be outsourced. When I grew up, public schools offered all of that. Unfortunately, if parents want to give those same opportunities to their children out here, they have to send them to private school. It's gonna be expensive, but I'm pretty sure we qualify for at least some financial aid. I'm taking the same approach to this as I did when I moved out here. I knew it was the best thing for us, and I'll figure out how to make it work as I go along.

During this time in between, I'm getting caught up around the house (it has been woefully let go) - getting organized, clean, and at a place where I can maintain it easily. I do have some big projects planned, like staining the play structure that Matt built, staining the table and chairs outside for the kids, and the gate, painting the bathroom and laundry room, and painting the outside of the house. Those are things that have been on hold since we moved here, and I would really like to get them finished before the fall, too.

The kittens we got a few weeks ago from the SPCA bring a lot of life and fun energy to the house. They're over their upper respiratory infections and doing great! I can't believe how quickly they started using the litter boxes... SO much easier than a dog!

I finally planned our trip to Buffalo in August for the Run for Row. It's scheduled for August 21 this year, so if anyone who is reading this plans to be in the area, please register - it'll be great to see everyone! You really don't even need to run. You can walk, or just socialize and be there to offer support. It's the 3rd annual 5K - I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm not sure how it can be the 3rd one already when it'll just be three years this November since Matt's accident... I'm not willing to think that hard about it to figure it out on my own. I'm actually excited about this trip to Buffalo, though - I think the last time I was there, I faced my fears about going back, and now I feel freed from them. Mostly...

Things with Carlos are going great - we're just taking our time and enjoying each other's company. He's patient, sweet, and always makes me laugh. In April, Matt's parents took the kids for me for a few days and gave me a nice, much-needed break. During that time, Carlos and I took a day trip to Santa Barbara, which was so beautiful and relaxing!

Had a big birthday bash for the kids in May to celebrate both of their birthdays, and it was a hit! I hired a couple who have a traveling science class, complete with reptiles, a kikachu and even a wallaby! It was Aunt Michelle's gift to the kids, and everyone had a great time. Ginny and Roy came out for the weekend and were a HUGE help.

That's about it for now... Forgive the choppiness of this post, but I'm just getting over a migrane and am still having a problem sounding coherent! Well, back to chipping away at my To Do list... =)

Rewind...

2011-05-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out one of my high school girlfriends lost her husband a couple of weeks ago. I saw it on Facebook, and when I found her status update, I identified instantly with what she's feeling right now. My heart sank to my feet, I felt sick, and all the feelings I felt initially when Matt died came flooding back in an instant. The feeling of wanting to somehow rush back in time to change something that could alter the course of events, the helplessness, despair, agony, shock, anger... If only we didn't live on the opposite ends of the country, I'd rush to her.

Even though I've "been there," I still can't help like I would really like to. I can't bring him back. I can't make it better for her because there is nothing in this world that can. I just hope she's getting a lot of love and support, and that someone is making sure she gets out of bed in the morning and eats. Fortunately, I pretty much had shifts of people taking turns shoving food down my throat when I honestly had no will to eat. Or live, for that matter. If it hadn't been for my kids, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.

I've had some moments the past few months that made me feel like I haven't gotten too far in the two and a half years since Matt died, but when the thoughts and emotions that consumed me in the beginning of my journey flashed back to me after learning of Becky's news, it was then that I realized just how far I've come. That gives me (and hopefully anyone else who is just starting out) some comfort that although the healing is slow, it is actually happening.

I'm having a hard time thinking about much else right now. Becky's heart, her life, her expectations for her future have all been shattered.

Jacob's Father's Day gift...

2011-05-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning the kitchen table from the kids' craft projects, I found a pink paper heart with Jacob's handwriting that said (with exact spelling),

"From: Jacob, Sydney and Andrea

To: dad.

We miss you and love you so so so much and wean we die we hope we will see you. The hole family misses you. So do I, Sydney and Andrea. happy fathers day.

Love: Jacob"

(with three frowning stick figures holding hands at the bottom)

He told me he wants to send it up to heaven with a balloon on Father's Day.

Jacob's Birthday and Mother's Day...

2011-05-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

So, this marathon of a funk is finally coming to an end and I'm feeling like I'm seeing the light of day again. Phew! This one has lasted quite a bit longer than normal. I'm not sure why... I'm not gonna analyze right now. I'm just going to revel in the relief.

Jacob's birthday (May 3) was harder than I expected for some reason. I got through most of the day pretty well. Uncle Bryan and Carlos came over and had some ice cream cake with us, and Jacob was SO excited that he turned seven years old. So excited, that he had a hard time falling asleep the night before in anticipation, and was bouncing off the walls all day long on his big day.

Towards the end of the day, a wave hit me hard. I tried my best to keep my composure in front of the kids, but I just couldn't control the sobbing. I'd leave the room, sob, come back and continue our game of checkers (or whatever we were doing at the moment). Lather, rinse, repeat.

My next door neighbor Michele came to my rescue and let me blubber all over her - poor thing. She gave Jacob a dream catcher that her uncle made to help him with his bad dreams. So sweet, and I'm so lucky that even though my other next door neighbors moved (who are awesome and I'm still close to), another wonderful family moved in. We've become great friends quickly like we've known each other for years.

Mother's Day was actually good! The day before, I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered to me from Jacob and Sydney (I still don't know who the mysterious helper is!). Then, my next door neighbor told me to send the kids to her for a few minutes that night (and NOT to ask any questions) and when they came back, they told me not to look while they hid my gift. The next morning, the kids could not WAIT to wake up and give me my gift! (SO sweet, but I didn't have the heart to tell them that a great gift would have been to let me sleep in...) They gave me a very sweet card with a beautiful candle in a gift bag - SO sweet! It brought them a lot of joy to have something to hand me. All those incredibly thoughtful gestures, along with all the love I got from my friends/family through Facebook and my "Gumdrop" sisters (who always come through for me when things get rough) made me feel so loved, which is exactly what I needed.

Mother's Day, the kids and I went to the SPCA again to talk about the kittens we're getting (YAY!!!) and then from there we went to Kidspace which was so much fun for the kids and it got them good and worn out. It was a good day.

The difference between men and women....

2011-04-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

(As we're eating dinner tonight)

Sydney to Jacob: "Do you know why I was angry?"

Jacob: "Why?"

Sydney: "Because I was hungry!"

Jacob: "Do you know why I was hungry?"

Sydney: "Why?"

Jacob: "Because I was HUNGRY!"

Me, trying to recall word for word what was said during this conversation while typing it out here: "Jacob, what did you say about being hungry?"

Jacob: "I don't remember... I didn't say anything about being hungry."

Sydney: "YES YOU DID!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Growing pains.

2011-04-23T23:40:00.001-07:00

I feel a bit better after getting all that out. I've forgotten how therapeudic writing is... Lately, though, when I sit down to write an emotional post, I feel like I've already written it, and in some cases I have. Same old thing - blah blah blah. It's old. I think this is a big part of what's been wrong with me lately... I'm having growing pains. I don't fit into my skin anymore, and now I have to figure out where I do fit in or grow some new skin.

I actually did write something similar to this post, too... I found it, re-read it, and it reminded me of some important things. Lessons four, five and seven, in particular...

Right now, I'm off to practice Lesson number six. Good night, and Happy Easter!

Eureka!

2011-04-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm such an idiot. This is the third year in a row that I have procrastinated birthday plans for my kids, and the reason is that I'm always in a funk during the month before. Any coincidence? A big part of this funk is their birthday.

I don't want my poor kids to have a cloud over their mommy because their birthdays are coming up. I know how to change it- change my thought process. Try to train myself to think more of the positives this time of year rather than dwell on the negatives. Easier said that done. Can it be done?

Ugh.

2011-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

Sydney has "magic powers" that allow her to see Daddy.

She role plays with Jacob and tells him, "Let's play mommy, daddy and baby! You be the daddy..."

Just yesterday, she called me "Mutha." Matt used to call his mom "Mutha." Could not believe my ears - she said it just the way he used to. Reminded me of when she called her pigtails "happy head." Matt used to call our friend Cy's hair "happy hair" when he'd let it grow longer because it seems to grow up and out rather than down and long. One of the first times I put Sydney's hair in pigtails, she looked in the mirror and called it "happy head."

It's really amazing the ways Matt comes out in his kids. If someone would have told me these things, I don't think I would have believed them unless I experienced them for myself.

Jacob lovingly prunes the Sycamore tree we planted in the front yard in Matt's honor by picking the dead leaves off of it, and putting flowers on it from the bush that conceals our front window. He and Sydney call it "flowers for daddy."

Yesterday, Jacob was holding a jelly bean between his fingers and squeezed it. He showed me and said, "Is this how daddy's heart broke? Like this?" I explained to him that the heart is a muscle and there are tubes called arteries that are connected to it that help the blood pump from the heart into the rest of the body. The accident made one of his arteries break off of his heart, but that's only one of the boo boos he got. Technically, Matt's entire torso was compressed, so he actually could be right.

Sydney was talking over the fence to our neighbor and proceeded to explain something about her daddy. Normally I would intervene and help cushion the awkwardness for the recipient of this uncomfortable information, but I didn't. Instead, I turned and walked into the house. I was cooking dinner and just didn't want to deal with it.

I was making pancakes for the kids this morning, and as I stood by the stove, I could vividly picture Matt holding the frying pan with one hand and flipping his eggs in one smooth motion. I thought to myself, "I need a distraction" and then the song "Arms of the Angel" pops into my head because of that one line, "I need some distraction..." which causes me to further spiral into grief. UGH!

As I type, Sydney is drawing a picture for daddy.

This is the kind of thing that goes on daily. It's comforting on some level, but at the same time, hurts. Right now, I'm not in a place emotionally where I can handle it. I'm just raw.

I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me that I'm such a wreck lately. One factor could be the approach of Easter. Matt never got to spend an Easter with his daughter. He had to work (at his new job) on Easter Sunday - Sydney's first Easter, and couldn't be there when they woke up to find their baskets. The feelings I had that morning are similar to the ones I have now.

I'm finding myself wallowing in all of it, and I'm wondering at what point is it healthy to let myself feel it versus making myself crazy? I can see that I'm pushing everyone and everything away right now, and I'm trying to correct that. I'm tired of analyzing this shit, too. I'm just tired, and on top of it, I have bronchitis that my doctors don't think requires antibiotics. How sick do I need to be before they think it's appropriate to start meds? Don't they realize I need to function well enough to care for two little kids and a house?

There's a part of me that also thinks that on some level, I have a sense of entitlement just because I'm widowed and a single parent. Like, no one should be hurtful to me or challenge me to cause me pain or stress, or do the same to my kids. Like, life should make some sort of exception for us considering all we're already enduring. HA! I know life doesn't work that way. Especially since there are people out there who still have living spouses and parents, and have it worse. Also, being the control freak I am, I'm feeling particularly insane right now because there is nothing that seems to be within my control - including my own emotions.

I'll write about something positive soon, I promise (like the wonderful break I had a couple of weeks ago that I should be reveling in!).

My cup is empty.

2011-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've been in a deep, dark funk for a while. Haven't been quite like this in some time. It's not that things are necessarily going badly in my life, I'm just going through some sort of stage, and I'm not really even sure what it's about yet. Maybe growth of some sort. All I know is it's painful, exhausting, and I'm looking forward to this heavy fog lifting.

In the meantime, to my friends, family, readers, please be patient with me while I try to get filled up again. I have nothing to give right now.

Little miracles...

2011-04-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have been completely overwhelmed with pretty much everything to the point where I haven't been able to function enough to get anything accomplished - personally, professionally, or otherwise (as you can tell from this recent post). After some serious soul searching, I came to some realizations that either I didn't want to see or just couldn't see because I was too close to it. That's a topic for another post, but while doing this soul searching, I decided I would plant the garden I've always wanted to plant.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not have a green thumb - in fact, I usually call it the 'black thumb of death' since I usually end up killing anything in my yard or house (thank God the kids and bunny aren't plants). I decided that despite this, I would attempt to plant my own vegetables, some fruits and even some flowers. I've got this pretty little house with a cute little yard, why not give it a shot!

My typical M.O. is to get a grand idea and then not follow through, but I actually did it! Although I've neglected most of my other responsibilities in order to get it done, it's actually worked to my benefit to do that. By having the garden my main focus, it gave me time to clear my head of all the other clutter that's been drowning me. I've been focused on paying attention to how much direct sunlight certain areas of my yard get, planning out where the best place for a garden would be, what I could plant, strategizing how the kids can help with the least amount of destruction, and all the other details of planting a successful garden.

The kids have been a big part of this process when they're home, but while they're at school, it's been just me and the dirt and seeds. Back to basics.

We're planting broccoli, carrots, onions, okra, corn, tomatoes, green beans, spinach, zucchini, pumpkins, cantaloupe, watermelon, black-eyed susans, sunflowers, and cosmos (yeah, perhaps I'm being a little overly ambitious). I even got a little grape vine and a raspberry bush (which just look like one little stick each right now). But one of the most exciting things I've planted are some seeds that I brought with me from Buffalo.

Matt was the one with the green thumb. He knew the names of just about everything that came out of the ground, and how to care for it properly. His mom taught him a whole lot about gardening, and she would grow most of her flowers from seed.

The summer before he died was no different - he planted a whole crop of impatiens in front of our house, and in August when the seed pods were ready to burst, I went along and collected as many as I could. I had so much fun with that part of it, and so did Jacob. Even Sydney started getting in on it. Some of the pods were so full that you barely had to touch them and they'd burst their little seeds all over the ground. I managed to fill up one of Sydney's empty baby food jars with the seeds we were able to harvest. That was August of 2008. Matt died that November.

That baby food jar had been tucked away in our home in Buffalo, moved with us to California, and tucked away again until recently. The seeds are now almost three years old, but now that I've got the ambition to plant something, I got really excited about seeing if there's any life left in them.

Part of me has been very hopeful that something will sprout, but there's a part of me that's been trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I've simply waited too long to plant them and that they're too old to produce.

We did a lot of the planting last week, and a bunch more this week. Yesterday, I noticed that there is life springing up from the pots with the seeds from the impatiens - the seeds that came from the flowers that Matt planted in our front yard with his very own hands. I could not be more thrilled!!!! And now they're here, in our new yard of our new home. Planted by my hands and the hands of his children.

Inside each of those seeds is an embryo. Life. Little miracles. I have tons of little miracles popping up all over the place, and I am so thankful.

Now that the majority of that work is done (for now), I can shift some focus back onto the responsibilities I've neglected, while I enjoy watching all this new life growing around me.

Would I be overzealous if I decided to house some chickens in the back yard to use as fertilizer, egg producers and compost makers?

Lapses in Memory...

2011-04-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with my oldest nephew Michael who said he's thinking of coming to California to visit this summer. I was so excited and started thinking of all the things I can share with him from my new life on this coast.

I said, "You'll get to see my house!"

Michael: "Did you move?"

Me: "No - I haven't moved since I moved to L.A....?"

Michael: "Then I already saw it when I was out last year."

Me: "Oh my god."

How is it possible that I could I have forgotten about my nephew's visit?!

Then, I was talking with my cousin Lorinda who recently got engaged and is planning her wedding. Lorinda and her fiance Dan live in Texas, and will be getting married there. I'll be standing up in her wedding (YAY!!) and when we were talking about it the other day, I told her how excited I am that I'll finally get to meet her fiance! She said I already met him once - when they were in Buffalo the summer after Matt died, right before I moved.

This time it wasn't quite as shocking, but it still surprised me that I could have such sizable chunks of my life escape my memory like that from that first year and a half after Matt's death. Why can't those memories be the ones I really would prefer not to remember, like the morning of, and just about every single detail and emotion for the next few days after that?

I wonder what else I don't remember...

Camp Widow

2011-04-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Camp Widow has it's very own website now! Check it out, and then register to attend this August! You'll be SO glad you did. =)

I need reminded.

2011-04-06T00:20:00.001-07:00

A great message...

2011-03-22T18:07:00.001-07:00

One of my godmother's daughters sent me a note with a photocopied article. She said in the note, "Mom carried this in her wallet and we read it at her service."

COMES THE DAWN

After a while you learn the subtle

difference

Between holding a hand and

chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't

mean security,

And you begin to learn that

kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes

open,

With the grace of a woman, not

the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your

roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain. And futures have

A way of falling down in mid-

flight,

After a while you learn that even

sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul, instead

of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really

can endure . . .

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn

With every goodbye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoftstall

Thank you so much, Lynn. All of my love to your family.....

Losing ground...

2011-03-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Lots of whining and complaining contained in this post.

A decent portion of the time, I feel like I'm handling my responsibilities relatively well. It was only maybe a week and a half ago I was feeling like I was caught up with everything and maybe staying a little ahead of the game. About three days after that rare and wonderful feeling, it unravelled. Rapidly. I'm failing at everything.

My house is filthy, the dirty laundry is out of hand, dishes are piled up, I'm behind on my project for Soaring Spirits, my mail for the past month is in three messy piles on my dining room table (I can't remember the last time I saw the entire surface of that table), and I still haven't taken any steps to get my taxes done. Yet, I have managed to make an appointment to get new internet service, and I'm writing this post from my new Mac. At least I don't have the frustration of working with a computer that, even after getting the viruses cleared out, still would freeze up and worked at a snail's pace when it did decide to work.

I'm behind with everything, and I keep saying that when I'm caught up, that's when I'll sit down and update my blog. However, I have a strong feeling that if I waited for that to happen, I'd never write another post, so here I am.

It's pretty bad when your six year old son even asks when you're gonna clean the tub, or when I'm gonna do the laundry so he has some clean pajamas, or when I'm gonna do this or do that... What was my response to my sweet little boy? I told him I didn't need another husband, thankyouverymuch. Especially when my husband didn't even grill me like that (not that he had to - I kept up well with all that stuff when he was around, and what I didn't do, he did without batting an eye. I was lucky).

I actually don't mind doing everything myself. I'm kind of a control freak anyway, so it fits well with my personality I suppose. It's just that there's not enough time in a day, and not enough energy in my body. On top of that, I suspect I've started peri-menopause, which given all the symptoms I've been having, is a logical answer. Fatigue, crazy emotions, foggy-brained, hot flashes, and migraine headaches that I've been getting recently. When I looked into the headaches, the description I found for the particular migraine I've been getting fit me to a T, and the description also happened to mention that they are somewhat rare, but are more common in women going through peri-menopause. Of course, I would get even the obscure symptoms of this lovely stage of life. And, this stage can last anywhere from two to ten years before hitting full-blown menopause. My sister is on year eight - she was about my age when hers started.

It seems like I'm not the only one feeling unravelled lately... Everyone who I've talked to who I'm close to has been feeling the same way. Is it the moon? Apparently it's the first time in about 18-20 years that the combination of a full moon plus it's close proximity to the Earth has occurred. The earthquakes, tsunamis... something big is happening. Is that responsible for all the uneasy, disconnected, stressed-out, manic feelings? And WHY can't the U.S. just keep their noses out of everyone else's business and focus on taking care of the people in their OWN country?? Our system needs some major overhauling, but we're so focused on everyone else's problems that we're not taking care of our own right here.

All I know is I have to get my ass in gear and get through this pile of mail, laundry, dishes, clean out the bunny cage, call AT&T and see if they're going to install a wireless router when they come here Wednesday, call Charter to let them know I'm dumping them, call my allergist to let him know I'm not going forward with the allergy shots (after going through years and years of this in Buffalo, I just can't bring myself to start this again), make emergency earthquake kits for the kids and I, get a Microsoft Office program installed on my computer, and answer emails... This doesn't even count all the emotional shit I deal with on a daily basis (which I'd like to think I usually have a good handle on, too). Everything feels overwhelming and I can't keep up. I just want to sleep.

Oh - does anyone want a computer armoire? It's still sitting in the back of my van. It was nearly impossible to get it in there in the first place for the (cancelled) yard sale for the school, and I can't bring myself to get it back out, only to have to put it back in there again. Maybe I'll just try selling it on Craigslist again. Another thing to add to my To Do list.

I'm just overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...................................................

The Widow Card.

2011-03-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

I try not to use Matt's death as an excuse for too much (although I pretty much blame everything bad that happens on it). I will use it as an excuse for my own shortcomings, like being late getting the kids to school, or being late with a bill, or wasting a whole raw chicken because it sat in the fridge too long before I got around to cooking it, or any of the other countless things I screw up, although I never blame those things on his death out loud - usually only in my head.

I did get out of a speeding ticket with The Widow Card (which, in my defense, I used inadvertently), but this time, I premeditated its use.

From the beginning of Sydney's preschool year, there has been a ton of turnover with the teachers. There is usually one main teacher for the morning and early afternoon shift and one for the mid to late afternoon shift, and each of those teachers have a teacher's aide. The first main teacher that started the school year was there for one day and left. Since then, there had been about six total changes in personnel. Fortunately, Sydney is pretty easy to adjust and has done well despite the constant changes in the classroom. I'm pretty easy-going as well, and it wasn't until this latest change that was the last straw for me. The "permanent" teacher that just started in Sydney's class a few weeks ago has a very experienced teacher (Mrs. S.) helping to train her and acting as her aide. Mrs. S. is respected and adored by all of her current and former students, as well as their parents. Naturally, Sydney and I have fallen in love with her, too. So when I heard that last Thursday was supposed to be her last day in that classroom, I had enough.

I spoke with one of the parents that has been very actively involved with everything happening in that room from the beginning of the school year about the issue. As Adrian and I talked, she kept saying, "THAT's what you should say to the principal!" She had already spoken with the principal herself, but the decision still stood. So in support of this parent and speaking on behalf of the others and the children (we certainly aren't the only ones who feel that Mrs. S. should stay at least until the end of the school year), I decided to speak with the principal as well, and tell her the same things I said to Adrian.

When I first brought up the subject to the principal, she kind of cut me off to tell me she already talked to the other parent and there are simply no more funds in which to pay Mrs. S. to stay. I continued, anyway: When I dropped Sydney off the first day of school, she was so excited to be there that she never looked back at me while I was walking away ("Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Ma!"). She's not clingy, and enjoys school very much. However, lately, she's been clutching my leg and crying when I have to leave which is not like her. I blame the constant changes in the classroom for this. I didn't even know Miss Claudia left (one of the aides) until I asked Sydney where she was, and Sydney's reply to me was, "She's never coming back." When I heard her say this, lots of thoughts crossed my mind - how we (parents) had no notification of this, how utterly ridiculous the turnover has gotten, and just what is Sydney's understanding of "never coming back?" Does she think Miss Claudia died, or does she understand that she is just not working there anymore? I not only had no idea of the change, but I had no idea what, if anything, had been explained to the kids. With all this in mind, I wanted to make sure that Sydney understood that Miss Claudia didn't die (since my kids have way more personal experience with death than a lot of other kids their age), so I explained to Sydney that Miss Claudia is alive, she just isn't coming back to her job at this school.

At this point, the principal is near tears, which wasn't my intention, but at least she was listening.

I continued: Now that we have the permanent teacher and Mrs. S. in the classroom, Sydney hasn't been clinging to me as much, but I know that if there's another change - especially if Mrs. S. leaves- it's going to have another adverse effect on Sydney and I'll have to start from scratch prying her off my leg again, and I know she won't be the only one that will be affected. I understand there are budget issues, but even if Mrs. S. stays a couple of days a week, it's better than taking her away from the kids all together. At least until the end of the school year. The kids need some consistency and stability.

With all that, the principal said she would try re-working the numbers over the weekend, and lo and behold, they were able to come up with enough funds to keep Mrs. S. on three days a week!!

I only use my powers for good.

For more entertaining and inspirational posts about The Widow Card and the powers associated with it, check out this great source: Widow's Voice Blog

The Ides of March.

2011-03-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

Again, so many thoughts... swirling around my head, multiplying... This time, they're not keeping me awake; I'm too exhausted to have anything keep me awake these days, but they do stop me in my tracks during the day and cause me to forget what I'm doing for the moment, and it takes me forever to accomplish one thing from start to finish. Well, I've had that challenge for about two and a half years...

When I was growing up, my mom always dreaded the month of March. She told me nothing good ever happens that month. It started with her grandmother's death in March, then her mother, then her mother's sister (years apart, of course).

Fortunately, I never paid much attention to that, and March wasn't tainted for me. It's only recently that I've started to realize that March does seem to have a dark cloud over it. My good friend's wife died in late March, and soon as March 1st hit, I think of him, her, and the baby she left behind, and how difficult this month is for him. Our mutual friend's husband died that very same day, leaving her behind with two young children. March 4 was the 2nd anniversary of my friend Jeff's death, and he left behind a wife and three kids.

Last week, on March 6, at the age of 72, my godmother passed away. She was my mom's best friend for 43 years, and our families grew up together. She had seven children who all now have children of their own, and even some of those kids have kids. I so wanted to go back to Buffalo for them and for my mom, but the airfare and car rental for the kids and I would have totaled $3K (and that was the best deal I could find). My heart has been on that side of the country for the past week and a half. My godmother suffered - much more than she ever lead on, I'm sure. I don't like it that she's not here anymore, but I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, either. She's reunited with her husband, and probably having a beer with mine. My mom called me from the funeral brunch, which was taking place at the same location where Matt and I had our wedding reception. For that reason alone, I'm relieved that we didn't go - I could not have handled that.

Update...

2011-03-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

Well, we didn't win the grant, but the reviews were so beautiful, and will certainly help others who read them to understand just how much of a positive impact this organization has.

Seeing as how I'm a week late with updating everyone on the status of the contest, your best bet for timely Soaring Spirits updates is to sign up to receive the monthly newsletter, Hope Matters, via email. Here is a brief excerpt from the most recent newsletter which was emailed March 3:

Thank YOU for your support!

Special thanks to the many friends of SSLF for your amazing support of Soaring Spirits effort to win a $5000 grant in a contest hosted by the Great Non-profits website. We are humbled by your reviews, and honored by the opportunity to be a part of your grief recovery journey.

We received over 200 reviews! Though we didn't win the grant, we did appreciate each and every effort made to help us along the way. You can read some of those reviews HERE to get a sense of how SSLF is impacting the lives of people all over the world. Thank you again for your help in our efforts!

Thank you!

2011-02-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write a review for Soaring Spirits. As I read the reviews that poured in today, my heart overflowed and tears streamed down my face. I loved reading all the beautiful things that my family and friends wrote on my behalf and on the behalf of the organization I believe in wholeheartedly. I will let you know if we won as soon as I find out!

Even though the contest for the grant is over (as of midnight PST, I'm guessing!), if anyone is still compelled to write a review, please feel free - it's so nice to hear how the organization helps to shine a light during some of the darkest times.

=)

One more time...

2011-02-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

Remember when you wondered what you could do to help after Matt died? Here's a perfect opportunity to do something else for me that doesn't cost a thing and will only take five minutes.

Michele Neff Hernandez and I have been working our tails off to get the word out about the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation so that it's less likely that someone going through the devastating loss of losing their spouse will feel alone in their journey. One of the things we're doing is calling every Hospice office in the country - yes - every single one (956 to be exact) - to verify names and addresses so we can send them brochures about SSLF and Camp Widow. The mailing alone is going to be expensive. Our long term goal is to be able to sponsor anyone who needs to go to Camp Widow who can't afford it. That's way trickier, but either way, there is a LOT we can do with the $5,000 grant we're hoping to win from Great*Nonprofits.

Please help Soaring Spirits win this grant by taking five minutes to write a brief review (http://www.greatnonprofits.org/reviews/profile2/soaring-spirits-loss-foundation-inc) about how you have witnessed how much the organization has helped me (and still is) since Matt's death, and how they've helped anyone else you know, or how they may have helped you.

Today is the actual deadline, so please don't hesitate. Thank you so much for doing this, and for all the support you give and have given (seen/unseen, heard/unheard). Every bit of it helps! Really!!

Love,
Andrea

PS - If you already did this, THANK YOU!!! =)

Another widower friend...

2011-02-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

Meet James Pinnick and please welcome him into our unfortunate but fortunate community...

Revelations...

2011-02-24T01:08:00.001-08:00

I am inspired and intimidated....

Things my kids say...

2011-02-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Newest to oldest............
_____

Jacob: "Momma, I hope you're still alive when I'm a grown up."

Me: "I'm gonna do my very best, sweetie."
_____

Jacob: "Mommy, when I grow up and build my house and have all my furniture in it and babies, I wanna go here (pointing to Mekong River, Thailand on the map in his Animal Planet magazine) and see the giant stingrays."
_____
Sydney: "Jacob claused it."

Me: "You mean 'paused'?"

Sydney: "No - it's not 'paused,' it's 'CLAUSED!'" (When talking about the movie that Jacob PAUSED to go potty.)
_____

Sydney: "I had my tonsils out, and I can't breathe through my nose STILL!" (She's got a runny nose that she refuses to blow.)
_____

Sydney: "I wish I could have my daddy back." Her wish when blowing on a dandelion.
_____

Sydney: Helicopter is "Helidoctor"
_____

Sydney to Jacob: "You need dad and I need mom."
_____

When I was giving Sydney her bath today, I noticed she's got dark hairs growing out of the birthmark on the back of her leg... She asked me what I was looking at and I told her, and she grabbed her leg to look and said, "What da HECK?"
_____

Jacob: "I don't want you to die." "Mommy, as soon as you die is as soon as I wanna die."

Me: "We're all going to die someday - some just die sooner than others. If I die before you, I would want you to live. You have a lot of important things you need to do in your life. I think I'll be alive for a long time, though, so you don't need to worry, sweetie!" Such a heavy thing for a six year old to ponder.
_____

Sydney: "When can we have a baby?"

Me: =0 (she's asked this several times - I keep telling her not to hold her breath. She wants a little sister in a bad way.)
_____

Jacob: "I love you more than trains..."
_____

Jacob: "Momma, I have a question for you." - this is his opening line every time he asks me something.
_____

Jacob to Sydney: "I miss you when we're not together."
_____

Sydney: "Mommy, zero is not good."Me: "Why?"Sydney: "Because it's not a winning number."
_____

Jacob to Sydney: "Sydney, you know how to say 'What the heck' in Spanish? 'What the heckA'!"
_____

Jacob: "Hey Mom! When I wake up in the morning, you know what's gonna be on my face?" Me: "What?" Jacob: "A smile." - This is what he said after I tucked him in the night I set up the plywood on his train table so his Hogwarts Express train could fit on it...
_____

"Santa's not a baby, he's a big boy!" - What Sydney said after hearing the Santa Baby song...
_____

Sydney calls Marmaduke "Marmadude"
_____

Sydney's taking a bath w/a barbie. She's pretending the doll is a mermaid with a tail and "ribbons." She proceeds to go into a long schpeel, including telling me the doll has ribbons like I do, and that I can ask Santa for more ribbons. I'm stumped because the doll is naked. "Sydney, where are her ribbons?" Sydney proceeds to point to the doll's boobies.
_____

Gotta remember this stuff............

Need your help...

2011-02-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

To my dear blog readers,

Please help the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation win a $5,000 grant from Great*Nonprofits by taking five minutes to write a brief review about how you have witnessed how much SSLF has helped me since Matt's death, and how they've helped anyone else you know, or how they've helped you.

They need only need 135 more reviews to win this -what an opportunity!! Thank you so much for your help with this, and for all the support you give and have given (seen/unseen, heard/unheard). Every bit of it helps!

Love,
Andrea

PS - Almost forgot - the deadline for this is February 22!

February 16

2011-02-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

This day was probably even worse than the day before...

It was dreary - cloudy, cold and raining (I've become quite spoiled with the beautiful Southern California weather), and after dropping the kids off at school, I had to go to a doctor's appointment. Californians make such a huge freaking deal out of the rain. It took an hour to go ten miles on the freeway because everyone was crawling. Sitting in the van gave me too much time to think, and all I could think about was Matt, Jacob's grief, my grief, how for the first time I'm actually thankful that Sydney doesn't remember him just so she doesn't have to mourn his loss, and on and on. The van is a good place to cry with no witnesses. When I finally got to the appointment, all I heard in the waiting room were the news reports all about the rain. Well, I suppose there's nothing else to report on for the weather out here....

I parked across the street from Kaiser in a parking lot for a plaza. There were signs that indicated that Kaiser patients are not to park there, but you could park there if you are a customer of the plaza. Since I planned on becoming a customer as soon as I was done with my appointment, I left the van there.

Had my allergy testing done, discovered I'm allergic to grasses, some trees and dust, and headed back to the parking lot. Van was still there, and I headed into Payless to look at some shoes for the kids, but the awful Mexican music forced me out sooner - couldn't find anything, anyway. I was going to head to lunch at Fat Burger, also within the plaza, when I discovered that in the five minutes I was in Payless, my van had been towed. Apparently, "they" saw me walk across the street to Kaiser, but didn't see me walk into Payless??? I think the part that made me the angriest about that whole ordeal is that the fact that they took away my ability to get to my kids.

Rather than relive the ridiculous sequence of events immediately following, I'll skip to the part where I called Carlos who came to my rescue and picked me up. His friend Chris, at that very same time, was finishing up fixing my computer, so after we picked up the van (which cost $200), we headed to Chris's house. Chris probably saved me that amount of money that I might have paid to take it to a computer store to have fixed, so I really shouldn't complain. I would have rather given it to him than a stupid towing company, though.

The three of us went to lunch, where I was able to get some food and relax for a bit before getting the kiddos from school. Good friends and good food saved the day. I was also relieved to have my babies in my arms after all that.

February 15

2011-02-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday morning, Jacob and Sydney were both very emotional and clingy, and I had a hard time getting them to let go of me to go to school. Several reasons for this I'm sure - first, they were totally loaded with sugar the day before from all the candy they got at school and brought home. Second, I was in a rotten mood because my computer had a virus and all my pictures on my hard drive were threatened. Of course, I hadn't backed them up yet - that was something I had intended to get to but didn't make the time to figure it out. Plus, just being without internet access (other than through my phone) was making me twitchy, and I couldn't get the work done that I needed to for SSLF. Oh, and it was the aftermath of Valentine's Day.

That afternoon, I went to pick up Jacob from his after school program and a few of his friends were hanging out with him. He got more goodies for Valentines day, and I don't remember what brought up the topic, but one of his friends asked something like, "Is your dad coming? Why can't your dad come?" Jacob ignored the question and threw himself more into his goody bag, so I answered for him and told his friend that his dad can't come because he's not alive anymore. His friend said, "Oh, that's so sad."

That evening, it was bed time and I had tucked the kids in. I went to bed early, too, to put as fast of an end to that miserable day as I could, and a little while later I heard Jacob whimpering in his room. I went in there, and he was crying hard, but trying to be quiet about it. My poor little love. I asked him what's wrong, and he said, "I miss Daddy so much!" This is only the second or third time (that I know of) that he full-out cried about missing Matt.

There's nothing I can do to fix this for him. There's nothing anyone can do to fix this. So I held him tight and we cried ourselves to sleep.

A good start to the new year!

2011-02-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

So much has happened the past few months - I've been busy "doing" and haven't taken the time to write about any of it.

The preschool situation is resolved for the remainder of the school year, Social Security is up to date, and all of my ducks are finally lining up. Even all the toys have been washed and de-germed, and I moved the kids into their own separate bedrooms. Since Jacob is in the smaller bedroom, I got him a bunk bed - he sleeps on the top bunk, and uses the lower bunk as a train table. He is in his glory! It took Sydney a little more time to adjust to not sharing the room with her big brother, but now she's cool with it. I ended up rearranging every room in the house, and organized the garage by assembling two large shelves that now hold ALL the storage bins, and even hung the bikes from the rafters. I'm even getting to the little things I'd been putting off like fixing broken toys and hanging hooks and pictures.

The kids had their tonsils and adenoids removed a couple of weeks ago (five days apart). There's already a remarkable difference in them!

Sydney had sleep apnea and snored like an old man, was a mouth breather even during the day (to the point that she had to chew with her mouth open so she could breathe while eating), choked on her food all the time because of that and the fact that her tonsils were so big that they were touching each other. Her poor little lips were always chapped and bleeding because they got dried out even worse at night, then she'd wake up crying and screaming because she stopped breathing (she could never get into a good, deep sleep), and her lips would split and bleed. She also had a chronic sore throat. The doctor that did her surgery said that her tonsils and adenoids were abnormally large and filled with puss. My poor baby girl was being poisoned by her own body.

Sydney now sleeps through the night peacefully (and quietly!), and wakes up happy and rested. She's in a better mood throughout the day (she was miserable and cranky so much before), and has way more energy. She's even eating better and speaking more clearly! I never would have thought that her speech could be affected so much from her ailments, but it was. She even looks better - her cheeks appear to have filled out a little, and her dark circles aren't as noticeable.

Sydney had her surgery first, and in the short five day span between her surgery and Jacob's, she was sleeping more quietly. It made Jacob's nighttime breathing much more noticeable. He was starting to have a slight bit of apnea, and snored louder than I thought. In his case, his tonsils and adenoids weren't as large as Sydney's, but his airway is more narrow. His tonsils and adenoids weren't filled with puss like Sydney's, either. I think Sydney may have been the carrier, and Jacob was getting sick from her most of the time (Sydney wasn't sick as often as Jacob somehow). He says he feels better now than he did before his surgery, too.

As a result, I'm also sleeping better! My house has never been this quiet at night, and I didn't realize how much my sleep was being affected by theirs.

I am so, so happy and relieved that this is behind us. The closer the scheduled dates got, the more nervous I was getting at the thought of my kids going under the knife. Now, maybe, we can be among the living again - getting together with friends, going places and doing more fun things, and enjoying better health!

2011-02-03T10:59:00.001-08:00

...And if I really want to be true to myself and write this blog uncensored, then I can say,

Fuck Valentines' Day.

Ahhh... that felt good.

Another dream.

2011-02-03T08:29:00.001-08:00

Matt's dad and I were sitting next to each other in a restaurant booth with a whole bunch of other people - it was really crowded, mostly with people we knew. There was a bar in the middle of the restaurant, which was also next to the booth we were sitting in.

Matt was at the bar with his back facing us. I could hear him talking to the bartender - something about grapes. It was so noisy in there that I couldn't really make out exactly what the conversation was about, but I could distinctly hear his voice.

I turned to Roy and said, "It's so nice to hear his voice again!" and he said, "What?" As I began to repeat myself, it occurred to me that he might not be able to hear Matt talking, and if I finished what I was saying, he'd probably think I was nuts. I carefully finished what I was saying since I was already halfway through saying it as all this was going through my head, and then Roy noticed Matt at the bar next to us. Roy and I looked at each other, and I could tell from the look on his face that he could see him, too! He was wearing his camo shorts and ratty Corporate Challenge tank. A sight for sore eyes!

After a few minutes, Roy got up and walked across the restaurant to where Ginny was sitting, sat down next to her and told her what was going on. The four of us walked out of the restaurant into a narrow hallway, and I just watched and listened as Matt talked, walked, moved, smiled...

Oh Brother!

2011-01-17T00:51:00.000-08:00

This book, written by my friend Cliff Fazzolari about his brother (my friend and co-worker of six years) Jeff, is a MUST read. Jeff was wise, hilarious, and the #1 prankster, and passed away unexpectedly only four months after Matt at the age of 38. The only thing better than reading about Jeff in this book was experiencing him in real life, and Cliff does a phenomenal job of bringing him back to life with his words.

For months, I have had intentions of posting about this on my blog, but have had a hell of a time finding the words. I wanted them to be perfect and to do this book and the Fazzolari family justice. In agonizing over just the right words, I didn't write any... SO, I'll let Jeff's little sister Carrie say it for me through her beautiful description on Cliff's blog.

To purchase the book, click here, and help Jeff's legacy of love and laughter live on.

PS - Check out this GREAT article, too!!

Arms of the Angel

2010-12-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

This song by Sarah McLaughlin has had meaning for Matt and I from way early on in our relationship. It was played on the radio often during that time, and so I've always had a strong association with Matt with this song - probably more than any other song. It wasn't until I heard this song at some point after he died that I realized the irony of that, and it crushes me every time I hear it. Crushes me, and brings me comfort at the same time in a strange way.

It's Christmas night and the kids and I had an awesome day at home, opening gifts, playing with all the new toys, and just enjoying the heck out of each other. Their Christmas spirit totally rubbed off on me and I felt joy all day, and so blessed that I have these amazing kids. Now that the stress of the holiday was off, I thoroughly enjoyed their company and was relaxed and happy all day. Even missing Matt so much somehow didn't dampen my spirit much today (a true Christmas miracle in my book!).

After talking to one of my closest mutual friends of Matt's yesterday, we discovered that we both had "visit" dreams of him either on the same night, or one day apart in December (see previous post). Coincidence? I don't think so. I believe that he comes to us occasionally for a visit and makes the rounds. I relish in those, and I know anyone who experiences the same thing does, too.

Tonight after such a magical Christmas Day, the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and I'm folding laundry while listening to the last of the Christmas music on the radio before it switches back to regular programming. My mind is wandering between the calmness and beauty of today with the kids, the fun we had with my brother and his family yesterday when they celebrated Christmas Eve at our house with us (for the first time in many years), Christmases past with Matt, and everything in between. At midnight, the regular programming resumed, and the very first song played was Arms of the Angel by Sarah McLaughlin. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Merry Christmas, My Love.

Great dream...

2010-12-17T09:40:00.001-08:00

I haven't had as many dreams of Matt as I would like, but last night I had a great one. He had chosen a house for us - not sure where - and had already moved most of our things into it. The first time I got to see it was the day I moved in. I still hadn't seen Matt up to this point, and I half expected to not see him there, but as I was looking through the house going from room to room, I saw him in one of the rooms. We went up to each other and hugged tightly, and with tears in his eyes, he told me he wanted to live with me forever. I told him I wanted to live with him forever, too. It was such a great moment. The excitement of it pushed me to half-awakeness, and then I realized I was dreaming and woke up.

Do you think this will suffice?

2010-12-05T15:07:00.001-08:00

TO: Pasadena Unified School District

FROM: Andrea R. Row

DATE: December 6, 2010

RE: Termination of Services for Sydney R. Row

I would be happy to provide the documents necessary for re-certification; however, in our specific circumstances, there are no new documents to present. Your office already has all the most recent information I can possibly provide, and nothing has changed since we made our initial application for services sixty days ago. I was under the impression that we only had to renew our eligibility once per year, and was not aware of your sixty day deadline to get a business operational. The business that I am in the process of starting up is not up and running as of yet, and as such, no income has been earned. Here are the reasons for the delay:

Since we moved across the country from Buffalo, NY to Pasadena, CA just a little over a year ago, my children and I have been sick more often than not – especially since the beginning of this school year. After it became apparent that my children would likely need their tonsils (and possibly adenoids) removed, I had to find an HMO vs. the PPO health insurance carrier we initially started with upon our move so we could afford the expense of the procedures. This has taken quite a bit of research and time to get in order. Now that we have obtained better health insurance coverage, it has taken some more time to get established with the right doctors, and after many sick visits, my children have finally been referred to an ears, nose and throat specialist. Sydney is scheduled to have her tonsils out next month, and my son will likely be next in the near future. I have also been sick for the past two and a half months, and after several rounds of antibiotics that have not seemed to help much, I am now on prednisone. Our immune systems have not only suffered from adjusting to all the unfamiliar germs on this coast, but from extreme exposure with the children in school, and living in a highly populated community versus the rural, sparsely-populated area where we used to live. In addition, my husband passed away two years ago on November 15, and I am still recovering from this shock and trying to hold everything together for myself and my two children who are also suffering his loss and hitting new stages of grief by the day due to their growing understanding and developmental milestones. The anniversary of his death coupled with the holidays immediately following are especially challenging to deal with. I am in the process of seeking a counselor to help deal with anxiety and depression issues related to this grief. This has had a huge effect on how productive I am in maintaining a household, in a new state, on my own, raising my two children as a single parent with no breaks, and trying to keep myself healthy and functioning properly so I can do all the above successfully.

I still need to apply for a license to do business in Pasadena, research the organizations and memberships that I need to join in order to make myself more qualified to hold the title of Independent College Consultant, along with all the other research involved in catching up with the ever-changing dynamics of applying to college since I stopped working in the field over a year ago; especially for students with dyslexia and other language based learning disabilities which are the clientele I will be assisting. There have also been many recent changes by The College Board and the individual colleges and universities as to their requirements of the documentation that is necessary in order to provide services and accommodations to students with disabilities. I have also been researching the psychologists in this area that can perform the necessary tests on the students so the required information is included in their psycho-educational testing reports. I also need to get up to date with the changes that colleges/universities have made with regard to their programs that offer services to students with disabilities.

There are a great number of details involved in starting up this company, including learning how to run my own business, as this is the first time I’ve done so. I have a quicken program that I still need to learn, accounts to open, and still have to market the business so I can get clients. I have had meetings with a few different people in similar fields who have been a help in not only getting the information I will need for an independent college consulting business, but also getting good advice about what is necessary from a business/accounting standpoint. Networking plays a huge role in the potential success, and this is also something that takes time.

In addition to all this, I have to spend the time writing to the Social Security Administration and to the Worker’s Compensation Board to explain to both of them how I’m allocating the funds that we are receiving as a result of my husband’s death, both of which are my sole source of income at this point. I have a mortgage, bills, carrying our own health insurance, etc. that this money is all going towards, as well as the start up expenses I’ve paid out so far to get my business started – books, memberships, filing, computer application programs, etc., and the ridiculous amount of co-pays and prescriptions I’ve had to pay out for the many, many doctors appointments for myself and my children, which all take time during the day to take care of, which as a result takes time out of my efforts to get my business up and running. My expenses far exceed my income at this point.

I also have another potential income-earning opportunity through a non-profit organization that has offered myself and many other widowed people with valuable peer-based grief support after the loss of their spouse. I am the assistant to the Founder and Executive Director of the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, and this should be considered an internship, since it will eventually turn into a part-time paid position once the organization obtains the funds to support it. I intend to maintain this position even after my own business is in operation as well.

It is my expectation that my business will be fully operational by the beginning of the next school year. I am doing my very best to get everything done, and to get it done in such a way as to ensure its success. I am not one of the thousands of people that drain the system while putting forth no effort to improve their situation. Once I begin earning income from the work I’m doing, I will not only likely lose the services you provide, but will also lose a good portion of the income we are receiving from Social Security death benefits, and therefore will probably not end up any further ahead financially than I am right now.

Sydney is thriving in preschool, and is adored by her teachers and peers. She has learned so much already, and is being challenged in a learning environment the way she really needs to be - much more than what I can offer her at home. If she is not able to attend preschool , especially stopping right in the middle of the school year, it is going to not only completely prevent me from making any progress in getting my business operational, but will also disrupt the reliable routine that has been established for her and cause her a great deal of distress and confusion. She looks forward to school every day. She is a highly intelligent child that needs the structure, socialization and stimulating learning environment that preschool is offering her.

Please contact me if you should have any questions, and with your decision about continuing her services. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future. Thank you very much for your kind consideration in this matter.

This weekend...

2010-11-28T22:03:00.000-08:00

It feels SO fresh lately. The pain is indescribable. I feel like a worm on a hook again - writhing in agony, the hook piercing through my entire body, hitting every nerve. I miss you more than words can describe. I do a great job suppressing these emotions for a while, then they resurface and become beyond my control. Maybe it was seeing the family, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's our growing kids and their ability to better articulate their grief. Maybe it's just all of the above, combined with a serious case of PMS. Whatever it is, it HURTS. Bad.

The kids and I had a great time with the family for Thanksgiving weekend. Got to Greg's Wednesday night, had Thanksgiving Thursday, Friday we celebrated Christmas, Saturday was New Years' Eve and Heather's Sweet 16, and came home this morning. Your mom is unbelievable. She put all of it together - made all the plans and prepared all the food. Wendell was pretty instrumental in it all, too.... Your mom made Jacob the most gorgeous American flag fleece blanket for Christmas that he totally flipped out over. You should have seen his face when he opened the box - as soon as he got the box open and saw enough of the blanket to recognize it, his face beamed, dropped it and ran to your mom to hug her. He's the most grateful and appreciative kid on the face of the Earth. Well, maybe not the ONLY one... Heather was pretty floored by her surprise party Saturday night, and appreciated every little part of it.

It was SO hard not having you there. For everyone. Each one of us felt your absence painfully. Your brothers lit one of Heather's candles on your behalf. Brandi and I really bonded for the first time I think ever. We all launched more balloons with notes written on them for you. This time, we attached a glow necklace to it (like one of those fluorescent plastic ones that are popular during New Years or the 4th of July...). We were imagining drivers on the freeway catching a glimpse of it (since that was the only part of it that was visible in the night sky) and thinking it was a UFO or something and causing an accident which triggered all of our sick senses of humor and resulted in fits of laughter. I envisioned that one episode of Six Feet Under we watched together where the lady got into an accident from seeing a blow up doll floating up into the sky (I think that's what it was -it's been several years since that episode, but I bought the whole series, so I'll eventually get my memory refreshed).

Lots more to tell from this weekend, but I'm willing to bet you were there with us watching it all, putting in your two cents unbeknown to us... At least I'd like to believe so.

Calm before the storm.

2010-11-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

As I gained consciousness after the knock woke me up, I thought how quiet the house was. Then realized Matt wasn't laying next me, then the dread. More knocking. I know what that knock is. I know who is on the other side of that door and what they're going to tell me.

For a moment, I thought maybe if I didn't open the door, it wouldn't be real. Life can remain good if I just don't open the door. I took one look at the officer and knew it was over. My husband is gone. Father of our children. This can't be happening. Nothing will ever be the same.

This morning after getting out of bed, I relived that moment. I generally don't choose to relive this stuff - it just happens. Sometimes I can turn it off as soon as it enters my mind; sometimes it plays out against my will. There are times when I let myself relive some of those moments because it brings me closer to the time when Matt was still here. Somehow letting myself feel the pain makes me feel a little closer to him.

Two years later and I still can't believe he's gone. This kind of stuff only happens to other people. I just realized that Sydney has been without her daddy longer than she had him in her life- for six months now.

And now, here I sit, forced to review our life and the manner of his death in writing.

My date of birth. My address. Matt's date of birth. Our wedding date. Our children's names and dates of birth. His date of death. The location of his accident. The date and approximate time. The room where it happened. A detailed account of the multiple injuries he sustained including the physical and emotional anguish, anxiety, distress, fear of impending death... What he must have endured... These are the thoughts that torment me the most. No one will ever know how much he did or did not suffer, because he was alone the whole time. The fact that he was alone when he died sickens me (along with everything else about it).

I review it in my mind often enough without prodding - little flashes here and there that can come out of nowhere - but there's something about seeing it in print and signing my name to it... This weekend of all weekends, too, but I guess no time would have been good for this.

Ramblings...

2010-11-02T20:51:00.001-07:00

Some people are inspired to write when things are going well and clam up when they're going through tough times. I've discovered I'm not necessarily one of them. I tend to have the urge to write more when I'm in turmoil. It's not that I don't want to share when things are good... quite the opposite. I'd LOVE to share when things are going well - I know there are lots of people that would be thrilled to hear good news for a change; but I feel like if I write about it, it will somehow jinx that good thing. Or, that someone will be jealous of the good thing (I partially blame jealousy for some of the bad things that happen, so in my mind, if I put it out there and someone becomes jealous, it could sabotage the good thing - I know... crazy). Or (and I think this is the main reason), that there are others that might get the impression that just because there's something new and extraordinarily good happening in my life that I don't hurt anymore. WRONG. I will never be "over" Matt's death. I am, however, beginning to learn to live with it.

I'd like to think that I'm the kind of person that isn't particularly concerned with what people think of me since I know in my heart what's right and I don't feel it's necessary for me to explain, but yet that's possibly one more reason why I haven't written about this good thing. I'm inclined to feel the need to explain, even though I know it's not necessary (and I resent feeling the need to explain myself in any situation), although I do like to be understood. Geez - and I thought I was a pretty uncomplicated person for the most part!

So, despite any negative repercussions of saying it out loud, I'm going to anyway, because it IS something unexpected and great, and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts and revel in it, and maybe it'll give someone else some hope who is as pessimistic as I was. I met a wonderful man. Before Matt, I was convinced I'd never meet someone like him, then I did. Then when he died, I thought I'd had my time in the sun with love for ten incredible years, and that it would have to last me the rest of my life since it seemed highly unlikely that there could be someone else out there I could be as compatible with. And that if I was ever fortunate enough to meet someone, that I'd have to wait until I'm old and wrinkled before meeting him. But lo and behold, bam! Out of nowhere. I'm so grateful. There - I said it! Now let's hope it lasts a while...

Hence, what I call the yo-yo effect. The up and down of the emotional roller coaster. Especially this month.

It's November. I HATE November. I hate the WORD November. I hate what it means. Another milestone. Two years this month. Honestly, the milestones all feel pretty similar. Two years is just as bad as one year - I still feel the same sense of time warp. It can't possibly be two whole years already, even though there are times when it feels like a lifetime ago. Was Matt really in my life or did I dream him? There's that, but it's more like I can't believe I'm living my life without him. I never pictured my life without him once he was in it. I still don't want to believe this is our reality, but it is. The main difference between this year and last year, is that I've made a conscious decision to live and continue with life. Matt is and always will be a part of our lives, but I need to live like I have a future, and not live for the past (although it's quite tempting a lot of the time).

I just turned 37. Matt was 39 when he died, but to think I'm catching up to his age is scary. He was always supposed to be 4 and a half years older than me. Always. And now there's a good chance I'll end up older than him. It doesn't seem right.

Jacob and Sydney continue to grow and change and thrive. I'm constantly amazed by these kids, and so grateful that they're mine. And at times a bit unnerved by the fact that someone apparently thought it was a good idea to put me in sole charge of them.

I just had Jacob's parent/teacher conference this week, and although I knew it would be pretty positive, I was still pleasantly surprised by some of the things she said. His teacher did a reading test on each child in the class, and the score is out of 100. On average, the hope at this stage of 1st grade is that the kids each score somewhere between 15 and 25. Jacob scored 85. 85!! He gets 100's on his math tests. The only issue is his behavior - that after he's told not to do something, he still tries to get away with doing it and not getting caught, but I'd think that's pretty normal. Heck - nobody's perfect! Sydney's parent/teacher conference is coming up soon, and I'm guessing it'll be pretty positive as well. I can't believe how much she's already learned in preschool. She comes home singing new songs, reciting the alphabet, recognizing more and more letters and numbers, counting with more fluency, and can just about spell her name. She's 3 1/2, and considering that I've done a fraction with her at home (academically) that I did with Jacob, she's picking up on it pretty fast. Jacob is also playing a huge role in teaching her, too. Especially math... Here's a recent conversation:

Jacob: "Sydney, what's two plus two?"

Sydney: "I don't know!"

Jacob: "Listen - Two plus two equals four... What's two plus two, Sydney?"

Sydney: "Ummm, FOUR!"

Speaking of conversations, this morning I overheard a conversation between Sydney and Jacob, and I was so impressed with her understanding of certain concepts, and her ability to articulate them. A little background... Jacob came into my room in the middle of the night last night complaining that his head and stomach hurt. After trying to convince him that going back to bed and going to sleep would help him feel better in the morning, he thought it was a better idea to sleep in my bed. It happens pretty rarely, so I let him (I'm usually falling asleep in his bed tucking him in...).

This morning, this was the conversation I heard while I was in the bathroom, and Jacob was still in my room.

Sydney: "Jacob, why are you in Mommy's room?"

Jacob: "I slept with Mommy in her bed last night."

Sydney: "Why?"

Jacob didn't answer.

Sydney: "Why aren't you telling me? Is it a secret?"

Jacob: "No..."

Sydney: "Then why aren't you telling me?"

Jacob likes explaining himself just as much as I do apparently...

That's all I heard, but to me, it just didn't sound like that was coming from a 3 and a half year old!

Thankful...

2010-10-25T02:25:00.000-07:00

Constantly reaping the rewards of parenting these incredible kids, and so thankful that I have the ability to appreciate and recognize it.

Things my kids say...

2010-10-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sydney: "It was an accidink" instead of "accident."

Jacob: Instead of "tomorrow night" he says, "Tomorrow's night" ; instead of "last night," it's "yesterday's night, and instead of "tonight," it's "today's night." It's so 18th Century romantic.

Jacob woke up this morning and told me he dreamed about Daddy and all the things they did together in town. I always get excited when Jacob tells me he dreams about Matt, but it was especially exciting this morning because I felt him around us yesterday. It kind of confirmed for me that when I feel him near us, he really IS near us. I LOVE that.

Yesterday during dinner, the kids were talking about whether or not Matt would have liked the lamb chops... I said he might have, and then Sydney said, "If my daddy was alive and ate one, he might like it, but he's dead." She's said something else recently along the same lines, and that indicates to me that she's starting to grasp the concept of why he's absent from our lives. Before, she was always asking me where he is, and where everyone else's daddies are. It could be a temporary understanding, but from what I've read, that's pretty advanced for a three year old.

Yesterday, I had to explain to their teachers that their father passed away. Sydney's preschool has a "family unit" coming up, and Miss Jessica needed to be aware of her situation. I have to bring in a family picture for her class. Do I bring one in where she's less than 18 months old, which is when the last family picture was taken of all four of us? Or a picture of just her, Jacob and I?

I told Jacob's teacher for similar reasons, and also so she doesn't think he's lying when he blurts out that his daddy is dead.

In one month from today, it's gonna be two years already. This sucks.

Lessons from a donkey...

2010-10-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

I just read this from my friend Cliff's blog... I found it inspiring.

Lesson from a Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an old, dry well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, totally frustrated, he decided the animal was old, the well to deep and as it needed to be covered up anyway it just wasn't worth it to continue to try to retrieve the donkey.

So after explaining his plight to his neighbors the farmer asked them to come over and help him take care of the unique situation.

Sympathetic to his dilemma they all grabbed their shovel and began to pitch dirt into the deep well.

At first the donkey, when he realized what was happening, brayed horribly. It was quite upsetting to listen to...then to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few hours later, for this was a very deep well, the farmer finally looked into its depths. What he saw astonished him!

Wth each shovel of dirt that was pitched over the well's wall it fell on the donkey's back.

The donkey realized that this was his way out and instead of braying he concentrated on shaking the dirt off of his back and stepping onto the raised surface underneath his hooves.

When the farmer told his neighbors what the donkey was doing their spirits lifted and they shoveled dirt into the well as fast as they could. Each time this was done the donkey would shake the dirt off and step up.

Within a few hours the happy donkey was high enough within the well that he stepped out of the well onto level ground, walking away from what had seemed an impossible challenge without any practical resolution.

~~Author Unknown

Unwritten.

2010-10-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

There's so much to say, yet I can't (or maybe just choose not to) put it into words. Normally they flow out of my fingertips so easily, and I usually find I NEED to write in order to be able to sleep at night since it's getting the words, phrases, ideas and images out of my head and into type that seems to clear my mind.

Lately, I've been in limbo - somewhere between heaven and hell - and I keep flipping back and forth between the two, moment to moment. It's the best way to describe "where" I am right now, even though I'm pretty sure I don't believe in heaven and hell as a physical location anymore. I tend to believe it's more like a "state of being." Hmmm... that could be something to write about, huh?

Right now, I just don't have the urge or desire to write about what's going on. Some things are best left unsaid. I'm learning and living.

Fresh start.

2010-09-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

It's taken me some time to recover from that trip to Buffalo. I've finally stopped twitching the past couple of weeks or so which is a good sign... It took me some time to write about it - first, because I just simply lost my writing momentum being away from my computer for so long, and second, because I knew it was going to stir up a lot of the emotions I repressed while there. Sure enough, it did. The good thing about that, is it helped me to face them and also made me realize that I truly consider Pasadena "home" now.

After Matt died, I was completely displaced. I didn't feel at home even in my home anymore. Home was with him, which is something I didn't even quite understand the concept of when he was alive. It didn't matter too much where I decided to live after he died because at that point, I didn't belong anywhere. Now I feel like I do, and that's such a good feeling.

Things have really started looking up since our return from Buffalo (after the twitchy part was over). It almost feels like a new beginning. For one, the kids have started school. Yes, BOTH of them! Jacob started first grade, and Sydney is in her first year of preschool. She's in a full day program right at the same school Jacob is in! I can go grocery shopping in peace, clean my house with no interruption, and have finally begun to get things in order so I can start working again on getting my business in operation. I feel like a new woman!

Jacob is doing very well in school, and is also involved with the after-school program which he enjoys immensely. I always get so many compliments from the people in that program about what a good boy he is - he's a great helper that doesn't even need to be asked to help, a good listener, and a pleasure to have in the program. No sweeter words for a mommy to hear!

Sydney absolutely LOVES preschool. She was so ready... Her first day, and she never even looked back at me as I walked away from her. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled that she's so well adjusted, but I couldn't believe she never looked back at me once! As a natural little nurturer, she's been a great support to her peers who have had a tougher time adjusting to being away from their parents. She is adored by her teachers, too, and I get the same sort of compliments with her as I do with Jacob. I am so blessed!

I had a meeting with a really neat lady a few days ago that was so inspiring. My next door neighbor who works with her son actually put me in touch with her. She owns her own business that not only trains teachers to instruct students with dyslexia, but also tutors students. She actually worked at The Gow School for several consecutive summers with their Teacher Training Institute, and knows most of the people I know from there - what a small world! When I first went into her office, I noticed the Gow tissue box cover on her shelf, and I instantly felt at home! She gave me some great advice and suggestions, and confirmed for me that I'm on the right track with things, which was very reassuring.

At last, I feel like I'm finally beginning to get a foothold on this new life I've been forced into.

East Coast Trip, Part II

2010-09-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

Let's see... where did I leave off...

Oh yes - back in Buffalo. The kids and I stayed in the little apartment above Matt's aunt and uncle's farmhouse where his Grandma Munn used to live - on the dairy farm in our old neighborhood. So peaceful and wholesome. Grandma Munn was such an awesome lady. I'm so thankful I got to know her, and I'm somewhat comforted that she's up there with Matt. She passed away four days after we were married. We were fortunate to get some nice pictures taken with her on our wedding day, at her home.

It was perfect for the kids and I, and we were so comfortable there. I also liked it because it was comforting to be staying where she lived - it brought me just a little closer to her and Matt. The kids had such a blast hanging out with their cousins who live a few doors down, going to the barn to check out the cows and the new baby calf, climbing the hay bales, eating fresh picked sweet corn, playing with the kittens that were being nursed by their aunt kitty (long story), and the space for Jacob to ride his borrowed bike on grassy hills, stone paths and mud puddles. With the kids being just one year older since the last time we were here, it made it so much easier for me and more fun for them.

The whole time I anticipated this trip, the question loomed in my mind.... Do I visit the home we built together? If I do, should I dare go in? Will I be a blubbering mess? Will I be sorry that I did because I might hate whatever changes they made?

The first time I drove by the house, I was on my way to Rick and Mary's farm. I had to drive by since it was on the way, and before I got there, I asked myself, "Do I turn into the driveway, or just keep going? Pull in, or keep going???" Before I answered the question, I found myself pulling into the driveway. No one was home. The kids and I just sat in the car for a few minutes while I looked at the outside of the house. I looked at the siding. The siding Matt put in, piece by piece. I looked at the spot where Matt had to replace the one strip because a ball or something - now that I think about it, it could have been a bike tire (Matt's or Jacob's) crashing into it and cracking the siding. Anyway, I looked at that spot, knowing the crack that was there not long before. I looked at the overhangs. The porch railings. Looked at the spot in the front where Matt used to plant impatiens and tulips, now covered with stone. I looked at the hill where Jacob and his cousins used to ride their bikes. The garage doors that used to be open all the time with Matt working in the garage - usually building something or fixing something. The shed that three generations of Row boys worked on together. The house is missing the life we brought to it. The life that would still be missing even if the kids and I stayed. I was frozen in thought for a while, and then finally pulled away. I brought the paperwork for the tractor. I had been holding on to that with the intentions of mailing it to the new owners from day one, but not getting around to it, I decided to just bring it out with me. That way, I could use that as an excuse for why I stopped by to see the house while in town. If I saw anyone home while I was visiting, I would have the paperwork in the car already so I could pop in. A very handy opening to an awkward situation.

One of the things I just remembered was when Matt put in the lantern halfway up the driveway, he anchored it with a cement base. I have an extremely vivid memory (which doesn't happen often) of him finishing up the cementing and putting the pole in. The kids and I put our hand prints into the soft cement. I told Matt we were done and that he should do his next. He wouldn't. I looked down at our hand prints, and it just seemed so wrong to have the three of ours there, but not his. I left a space for him to put his hands in. I asked him why not, and either he didn't answer or I don't remember the answer, but no matter how much I tried to get him to put his hands in there, he wouldn't. It was really upsetting to me. Little did I know how fucking symbolic that would be.

The kids and I so thoroughly enjoyed spending time with friends and family we've missed so much. It was tough (and exhausting) to try to make sure we weren't leaving anyone out, but I know there were many we didn't get to see or spend enough time with. We had a chance to visit The Gow School where we worked for years to see everyone there. They were always like our second family. They have a memorial garden in Matt's honor that is just beautiful. My intentions were to visit Gow at least twice while we were in town, but that didn't end up happening, and my one visit there was totally rushed so I could make an appointment with my life insurance agent (finally getting that in place). Life insurance people - no matter how young you are, if you have a family, GET SOME. I know plenty of young widows and their children who are struggling to make ends meet because of their spouse not having life insurance. That should be the least of their worries when also trying to survive and function after losing their loved one. Trust me.

It was a struggle to get up out of the bed in the morning while there. I didn't expect that. Knowing we were in Buffalo another day without Matt - it was as hard as I imagined it would be. It felt so wrong to be there without him (I was still in shock at the time I moved, so I don't think that concept had a chance to really sink in). Yet, I could feel him with us at times, and there were times it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I made it a point to visit some of the places Jacob has the most memories. We went to one of the places in town where Matt and Jacob would ride their bikes together. There is a little trail with a "jump" behind the pizza place we used to order our pizza from that held a lot of memories for Jacob. Sydney, Jacob and I went there and walked along that trail, walked on the little hill that's the "jump," and went up a bit further to the railroad tracks that Jacob loves so much. They, too, hold memories for him with his daddy. We went to the Red Caboose ice cream place that's near there and also to the park we used to go to all the time. We went to another ice cream place in town that we used to go to with Matt. They have great hot fudge...

I have to say, I gorged myself on pizza, wings, hot dogs, home cooking and soft serve ice cream - just like I intended. My stomach was KILLING me for pretty much the entire trip, but it was SO worth the pain.

One day, we were on our way to meet our friends to go to a picnic, and I saw that the garage doors were open to my house. The kids and I pulled in, and the owner was on the John Deere tractor I brought the papers for. He was mowing the lawn, like Matt used to always do. I waved him up to the house and when he killed the motor, I introduced myself. He was surprised, and seemed happy to meet me. He invited me in and without much hesitation, I said sure. The kids and I went into the house and also met his fiance (I don't know if they've gotten married since I sold the house to them, but they were engaged when they bought the house, like Matt and I were when we built it). They are a very sweet couple who adore their new home, and appreciate where it came from. They appreciate the quality of workmanship that Matt put into it. I gave them some history on the house, and Jacob told them about the raspberry bushes they didn't know existed up the hill. They said they didn't have to do anything to the house after moving in, but paint some of the rooms their desired colors. I was pleased with the colors they chose - I think they compliment the house really well, and the furniture they have in it looks beautiful. I felt good going into the house and seeing what it looks like now, and that it's being loved and appreciated. Jacob felt comfortable there and made himself at home, lounging on their chair in the living room, and Sydney mooched some grapes from them, too. I didn't bawl like I thought I would, either. I told them the next time I come to town, I'll bring the photo albums of when we built the house - we have pictures from before Matt was the one-man bulldozer and cleared the land, to the finished product. And the paint war in between... We had so much fun building that house, and it was probably a true test to whether or not we could last the duration.

I did a really great job of repressing my emotions for the majority of the time I spent in Buffalo, except for one or two brief moments. Like when I was at the Run for Row, and one of Matt's former co-workers came up to me after the race. He sat down to talk to me - I never met him before. He said he worked at Cameron while Matt worked there, but now he doesn't work for them anymore, but many in his family still do. He was in charge of the first machine Matt was testing the night he was killed. That one was getting tested until midnight. As he was talking to me, I tried so hard to really hear him and listen to his words, but my thoughts kept interrupting. As he was telling me how much he admired Matt's work ethic, blah blah blah, I was thinking, "couldn't you have done something like tell him he should go home? Cover the shift for him that he was covering for Rob? Have something come up with your machine so he wouldn't have to test the next one that killed him?" I don't know what the expression was on my face, but he ended the conversation by saying how nice it was to meet me, and he got choked up as he said goodbye. After he walked away, I lost it. I'm always happy to get to talk to the people Matt was with last before he died and to hear little bits and pieces of his last moments, but at the same time, it's so hard. And it brings me right back to wanting to be Superman and fly around the Earth at warped speed to turn back the time to somehow change the course of events.

Since the moment I made my decision to move to California five months after his death, I haven't looked back or doubted my decision. Things just seemed to fall into place to make it possible, and it felt right. Before I left for Buffalo for this visit, I wondered if it would plant the seed of doubt. If I would get there and feel like, "What the hell did I do??? Why would I leave our home? Our life here?" I had one very brief moment of that, but more defining moments that confirmed for me that I made the right decision. I think our next trip back will be a lot easier.

What I didn't expect was when I returned home to California, the sense of closure I felt at "returning to the scene of the crime." Closure, in the way that as wonderful as it was to go back and visit, my home is here now. Maybe there will be a time years from now that I'll decide to move back - I've changed my mind before (for instance, when Matt first died, I vowed I would NEVER leave our home). Or maybe I'll decide to live somewhere completely different. But for now, I love Pasadena, and I think it loves me.

East Coast Trip - Part I

2010-09-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

So, a week after the kids and I got back from the Arizona/San Diego/Arizona trip, we flew to Buffalo for our first visit back since our move to California a year ago. We've been home for a few days, and while I've been using the excuse of unpacking, getting caught up with stuff around the house, etc. for why I haven't sat down to write about it, I recently realized the real reason. I've been doing a great job of pushing back the emotions it stirred up.Well, I *was* doing a great job, then I wasn't for a while, but I'm good now.

It was as hard as I thought it would be, and it was better than I thought it would be, all at the same time.

The kids and I arrived on Thursday evening, and spent Friday and Saturday hanging out with friends and family. Sunday morning was the 5K, and I was completely stressed out about it. It was just about as difficult for me as the fist Run for Row for some reason. It was great to see everyone, but I just wish I could have had more time with everybody; especially since I had to leave early to go to the airport to catch my flight to New York City for the Mike Huckabee Show. I really wish I could have provided a link to the show we did, but it's still not available. As soon as it is (if ever), I'll post it. From what I heard from some people who were able to view it in the few select cities it was televised in, it turned out great. From my perspective being in the studio audience, Michele, Kim and Dana did a fabulous job describing what a huge benefit it is to attend Camp Widow, and how awesome the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation is. It was great being there to cheer on my widda peeps. They had a camera on me the entire time, though, which was strange. Michele and I had some very similar experiences with our losses, so when she was describing certain things in detail, I couldn't hold back the tears. I was pissed because they did such a great job on my make up, and I was ruining it by crying.

The girls and I had a good time sharing stories about the car ride from the airport to the hotel... we each had foreign drivers, and of course, the subject came up about why we were there. Dana and I got an earful from our drivers about their perspective on our situations... things like, she'd better find a man before she hits 40 since her life will be over by then, and, if my husband hadn't died, I'd never have had the opportunity to go to NYC. Wow. Considering the vastly different culture we are familiar with, we let it go. (I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so I did explain to my driver as kindly as I could that I would MUCH prefer that my husband still be alive than to ever see NYC in my lifetime.)

We did have a great time in NYC during our very short visit... Sunday night, Dana and I toured Times Square since our hotel was on the corner of it (so awesome), and the rain held off long enough for us to get that in. Then we all met at Michele's brother's bar in Manhattan for a delicious dinner and an awesome drink named after his new baby girl. It rained buckets, but it was still a great time! The next morning, it rained even harder. Dana and I, since we were staying at the same hotel, met in the lobby that morning. We ventured to Starbucks with our hotel-issued umbrellas to get some coffee, and then to a street vendor for an authentic NYC bagel I've heard so much about (they're all that and more, too... mmmmm). As we headed back to the hotel with bags, coffees and umbrellas in hand, we were walking against the rain so we were getting even more drenched. Just as we were nearing the door to the hotel, some kid ran passed me and bumped the arm I was holding my coffee in and it splashed onto my shirt (we were dressed for the taping of the Huckabee Show, but fortunately I had decided shortly before that I was going to change my shirt anyway). Not three seconds after that, Dana was opening the door to the hotel, tipped her umbrella back to go in the doorway, and all the water on her umbrella dumped down my shirt. It actually was hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing! It was seriously like a comedy (as long as I was in TV mode)...

Just after the taping, we got to meet The Cake Boss (who I never heard of until then) who is a totally down to earth guy who can just so happen bake and decorate a cake like a GENIUS. He lost his dad when he was 17, and he was sharing his and his mom's experience with us. I've really got to start watching more television... It's embarrassing that I have no idea who any of these people are that others talk about, but I guess it's good news for any celebrities I might bump into (especially living in LA). I wouldn't know them from anyone else, so they wouldn't have to worry about me gawking or asking for autographs!

Right after the taping was done for the show, I was driven back to the airport to catch my flight back to Buffalo.

Seeing as how it's taken me forever to write this much, I'm going to end here for now. Little bites... More to come soon.

Forgive me...

2010-09-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

We just got back last night from our two week long trip and I'm trying to get caught up on things around the house. I have so very much to write about, but I promised myself I would get on a better schedule to get to bed at reasonable hours and eat regular meals. I will write a whole lot very soon - especially so I can remember our experiences from this trip!

Next...

2010-08-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

I just about had time enough to unpack from the last trip and pack for this one (still packing, actually) and we leave the house at 5am tomorrow morning for our flight to Buffalo. First time back since we moved a year ago this month. It seems like an entire lifetime ago.

This is a loaded trip in so many ways. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and think about the many wonderful reasons why it's gonna be great and focus on that. I'm wearing Matt's wedding band on a necklace around my neck again because I need him with me more than ever right now. I never took it off from the time he died until somewhat recently when I've finally been able to bring myself to accessorize with other necklaces that have been gathering dust. Then putting it back on after taking a brief hiatus from it made me feel like I'm wearing my grief on display. Now I wear it just when I really need to, and I really need to right now.

I know the hardest thing about going back is feeling like he should be with us in our hometown, in the places we used to go, hanging out with our friends and family, in the home that's no longer ours. I have a lot to look forward to, though. Seeing our family and friends after a whole year, pizza, wings, Sahlen's hot dogs, fresh picked sweet corn from Matt's aunt and uncle's farm, blueberry picking (the kind where you end up with literally BUCKETS of sweet, plump blueberries), and the awesome home-cooking from family I've missed so much.

Jacob is so excited to be going back, and his enthusiasm is rubbing off on his little sister. He's also looking forward to not just seeing everyone, but running in the 5K for his daddy, and going to the places we used to go with Matt.

There's another little side trip within this trip that I can't even believe is happening - check it out here... I'm so excited and honored to be able to help spread the word (on national TV in front of a live studio audience- holy crap!!) about something that has made such a huge, positive impact on my life after Matt died. And as an added bonus, I get to check out Manhattan for the first time with some widda buds! It's embarrassing to admit that although I've lived my entire life in Upstate New York (except for the past year), I've never been to New York City. Except my brother just informed me this afternoon that I was there once before, but I was only two at the time. I don't think that counts, though...

I'm going to have a LOT to update by the time I get a chance to write my next post! I just have to remind myself that if I could get to this point a year and nine months after Matt's death, I can get through this next challenge, and survive; especially with the oodles of love from my family and friends - old and new.

Soul Growth.

2010-08-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've titled this post a hundred different things while writing it in my head: "Lessons," "Confronting Demons," "Stirring the Pot," "Soul Searching," "Growing Pains..."

I was not prepared for the myriad of emotions that Camp Widow stirred up. It really caught me by surprise. Stuff I had buried that I didn't even realize was still there. I was still pretty numb at last year's conference, and I'm sure that was a factor. I was in a totally different place this time last year than I am now. It appears that I am not nearly the only one, either - several of my other widowed friends who attended last weekend's events are experiencing the same sort of emotions.

I hit a low point a couple days ago. Those low points make you feel like you'll never see the light of day again, but low and behold, eventually it passes. I'm happy to report that as time passes, these low points are less frequent, and I seem to come out of them a bit quicker than before. I hope that's a trend that continues... I also consider myself extremely blessed to have such a wonderful support system, and I know for a fact that I can contribute bouncing back faster to them as well.

I talked to several friends yesterday, and I learned something pretty significant from each of them. Some lessons, some reminders...

Lesson number one: Shut up and listen. Really listen.

Lesson number two: Apparently the thing that holds you back from moving forward in life is yourself. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but what an invaluable epiphany.

Lesson number three: Anger is blinding and deafening, and it can make you sick. It can keep you from seeing things that are right in front of your face, and from hearing things that are being said to you loud and clear.

Lesson number four: Pain is progress. It may seem like a hindrance, but it is a sign of growth and understanding. Embrace it, then let it go.

Lesson number five: Stop focusing inward - step outside of yourself and open your eyes and ears to those around you.

Lesson number six: Sleep is priceless. Gotta do this more...

Lesson number seven, and probably most important: Instead of focusing so much on what I've lost, I need to be focused on what I have right in front of me. My amazing children, and the many other wonderful people that are in my life.

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, and it really hit home: "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin
I think a lot of the things I'm accusing others of are the very things I'm guilty of. Another bitter pill, but a really necessary one. Not sure if that's the meaning of that quote, but that's what I took from it, anyway.

These horrible circumstances that we're all faced with have a purpose. No one escapes this life without experiencing tragedy of some sort. The biggest question we all ask is "why" and perhaps the answer is "to help us grow." Soul growth - so we are better prepared to live the rest of this life, and the life that comes after this one.

I'm so glad I've realized these lessons and that I gave myself the chance to think about them and process them- especially in light of the next trip I have coming up. In a week, the kids and I are going back to Buffalo for the first time since we moved, and the thought of going back has been stressing me out. I'm going to keep these lessons in mind, and remind myself to be a little lighter and kinder, and a little bit stronger to face this next hurdle.

Camp Widow 2010

2010-08-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

Getting to Camp Widow this year wasn't quite as adventurous as last year's cross country trek to the conference, but it sure was another whirlwind weekend!

I'm within driving distance now that I'm living in California, but since Matt's parents live in Arizona, I drove Jacob and Sydney to their house on Monday. Visited for a couple of days, then that last night before I left the kids with their grandparents, Jacob's very first loose tooth (that was hanging on literally by a thread) fell out! Awesome timing - I was so worried I would miss that moment. He actually pulled it out himself - he had pushed it over with his tongue, and instead of it bouncing back up like before, it just stayed over and kind of twisted (you should have seen his face while all this was going on). He grabbed it with his fingers, and plucked it out of his mouth. Just that easy! Even though we were miles away from our home, the tooth fairy still came, too!

The next morning on Thursday, I had a very peaceful drive to San Diego. Thank you, Ginny and Roy!!! It's so nice to be able to leave the kids with them, and be confident that they're in good hands and having a great time. They even took care of our bunny, too! During one of my phone calls to the kids while I was away, Jacob proudly declared that the bunny is "still alive"- ha ha! Sydney had such a great time with Grandma and Grandpa that she threw a FIT when we arrived at our house and saw that we weren't at their house...

This weekend was just as wonderful as I anticipated. I was reunited with widowed people I met last year (we call ourselves "alumni"), and made even more new friends. I also had a chance to make hopefully a little bit of difference with some people newer to widowhood. Did a little volunteer work for the event, and had a whole lot of fun! Michele Neff Hernandez and her posse did an AMAZING job of putting all this together. Although I'm her assistant now, I just literally got that title and had very little to do with the incredible amount of work and preparation involved for this event. I seriously don't know when that woman sleeps.

It was SO great to meet new faces, be face to face with those I only have known through Facebook or through blogs, as well as be reunited with friends I have known for at least a year. Even did a little "bouncer" work, discouraging a couple of thugs from crashing our banquet to prey on the 200 gorgeous young widows in attendance (and the 10 handsome men - who knows what their intentions were!). Did a little more of that later at the bar some of us went to as well. I have always been very protective of my friends and family, and hate to admit that I rather enjoyed the opportunity to stretch those muscles. =)- Not only did I have a great time dancing to the music of the awesome band that played at the banquet, but there was another awesome band at the bar, too, and we ended up closing the place down just like last year. My good friend Mel gives a great account of some more entertaining details including pictures from that night, and my sista from another motha (who I finally got to meet!!) has some, too. You can read several other posts regarding Camp Widow on Widow's Voice as well. There is also a great article in USA Today about this weekend. Check back, because I'll eventually list all the blog posts I can find that mention Camp Widow 2010!

I was only nine months out last year at the conference. I was there to draw on the strength of others who had a little more widowed time under their belts, and just feel at home with the camaraderie of those who understand. I felt safe and embraced. This time at a year and nine months out, I had the same agenda, with the added benefits of being able to do the same for those who have been widowed after me, which was just as therapeutic for me as well as anyone I (hopefully) helped. As fun and rewarding as this weekend has been, it was also very draining. Of course, I'm sure seven hours on the road in each direction didn't help, and neither did getting pulled over for speeding on the way back to my in-laws house to get the kids.

Cop: "Why were you going so fast?"

Let me preface by saying, I always think I have a creative excuse for getting out of a ticket like, "I have to go to the bathroom really bad" or something stupid like that, but tend to just blurt out the truth when under pressure:

Me: "I'm trying to get home to my kids."
Cop: "Is this your current address on your license?"
Me: "Yes, sir - my kids are staying with my in-laws in Arizona while I attended a widow conference in San Diego, and I'm on my way to pick them up."

He asked me for proof of insurance, but unfortunately, I left it in my other purse at home. I put it in there with the intention of then putting it into the glove compartment, but that didn't happen. Oops. He went back to his car to write my ticket.

When he came back, I was crying.

Cop: "Why are you crying?"
Me: "It's been a very intense weekend."

I seriously don't think I cried all weekend at Camp. Don't ask me how I managed to pull that one off, but I made up for it on the way back to Arizona. By some miracle, he ended up only citing me for proof of insurance, and not speeding. Phew!!!

Got to Arizona on Monday, and left for home on Tuesday. I'm exhausted, but recharged from an inspiring weekend with my widda peeps. I miss them all already.

Reclaiming some sanity...

2010-07-31T01:58:00.000-07:00

My wonderful brother took the kids one day for me while I got caught up on some stuff... I got SO much accomplished! I've been feeling frazzled, stressed out, sad, you name it. On the edge. I made it through Matt's birthday, our wedding anniversary on the 27th and everything in between by the skin of my teeth and just needed a breather.

I debated on getting a pedicure or some other pampering treat for myself for the day my brother had the kids, but decided for my sanity, and for my kids' sakes, it would be best for me to attend to things that have been looming over my head. For example, registering for the 5K in my husband's honor. Booking the hotel room for that weekend. Confirming that the car rental really is going to include a car seat. Paying bills. Doing a little Soaring Spirits work. Laundry. Cleaning. Accomplishing all that felt as good (or better) than pampering, and saved myself a few bucks, too! While I did all that, Jacob and Sydney were having a great time with Uncle Bryan, as they usually do. Thank you, Bryan!

Also, thank you to the oodles of thoughtful friends and family who gave me so much love and support on what would have been our eighth wedding anniversary. I did my best to focus on being thankful for having Matt in my life in the first place, and even getting to marry the love of my life and have his children, but it's a real challenge to not have the feelings of being completely ripped off trump any positive thoughts.

For as unlucky as I am to have lost my favorite man in the whole world, I'm very fortunate in nearly every other aspect of my life - including having so many wonderful people who care about us so much.

Right now, I'm focused on getting ready for the kids and I to travel to Arizona to visit with more of Matt's family. Then I'll be leaving them with his parents while I drive down to San Diego for Camp Widow. I'm SO looking forward to a fun weekend with my widowed peeps, and of lessened responsibilities - although I'm somehow already missing my kids just anticipating being away from them for so long!

Good dream for Jacob!

2010-07-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first night Jacob cried about Matt's death. It's been over a year and a half. I know it's healthy - it's part of growing and grieving. It made me sad that my poor sweet little love has to go through this, and angry that the one person who can back me up is the very person that we're missing. I am a little relieved that he's able to express his grief in another way. And, in a way that *I* can understand.

Read more »

Uberfunk.

2010-07-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - I was happily distracted most of the day with great friends I've made through Jacob's school, all of our kids, and a gorgeous beach in Santa Monica. Fun, down-to-earth ladies, the kids all played so well together, and just the sound of the waves is relaxing. Jacob was in his glory playing at the edge of the water, running to and from the waves hitting the shore, and Sydney in hers playing in the sand (she can do this for hours and be totally content)... We even got to see a little family of dolphins enjoying the beautiful day, too! God I love living in California.

However, upon returning home, I slipped right back into my uberfunk (I've never even heard that word - is it a word? I just made that up).

Among all the other crap I listed in my last post, THIS post from Widow's Voice, written by my good friend Jackie, describes the other thing that's been weighing crushingly heavy on my heart, and she does it with amazing detail like she crawled inside my heart and my brain. Her timing is amazing, too...

I met a guy recently that I was truly physically attracted to for the first time since Matt, and felt something I haven't felt in a looong time. Something I've been trying to bury, something I'd actually rather not feel because it invites complication and confusion into my life. In allowing myself feel something (which I suppose I'm thankful that I can after all), it also opened me up to not just good feelings, but to not so good ones, like disappointment. Other things I'd rather not feel. Again, I am decidedly not ready. And it makes me sad. And I probably burned a bridge because of it, or maybe I was being smart about it after all - hard to tell when I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from sanity. Either way, my life will continue to be a bit simpler for the time being.

I hate being in this position that I never thought I'd have to deal with ever again. It took me 25 years for me to find Matt, and 29 years for him to find me. God only knows how much longer it'll take (IF it happens) to find someone equally as wonderful, and who can appreciate me for me, who I can trust with me AND my kids (another whole added element to an already challenging feat). I really, really resent being put in this position. Wasn't I thankful and appreciative enough that I was so blessed to have married a man like Matt who fit the bill in every way? I hate this, and I hate this for my friends who are going through the same shit.

Jackie, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at Camp in a couple of weeks sharing our experiences! (I know by then we'll be able to laugh about it - especially over a few drinks!)

Today.

2010-07-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

Today SUCKED. For so many reasons.

Not only have I been bombarded lately with the reality (more than ever before) that Matt's gone and not coming back, but my inability to be lighthearted and present with my kids lately is seriously adversely affecting my behavior, and as a result, theirs.
Read more »

Finding a balance...

2010-07-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

I can tell I must be moving in some direction, hitting another sort of stage... in transition again. But heck - that's what life is all about, right? Just a bunch of transitions.

Read more »

Matt's birthday...

2010-07-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was a birthday filled weekend for the Rows... it was Matt's oldest brother Greg's birthday, then Greg's son Josh who turned 21 (already - hard to believe!!!) and then Matt's on the 11th. They were originally going to have a big celebration in Vegas for Josh, but the plans changed and the celebration was to happen in San Diego. I'm SO relieved they did that because it then made it possible for the kids and I to participate. Living on this coast now, I absolutely LOVE being able to get in a vehicle and drive to see them!!

Friday night was our traditional dinner at La Palapas (awesome Mexican food), and then Saturday was Josh's big bash. The kids were being brutally ornery, so Matt's parents decided to take them back to Greg's house and leave me at the party so I could relax and have a good time. God bless them. I almost didn't stay and was going to bring the kids home myself, but my mother-in-law told me (very sternly) that if I was to leave, she'd be very upset with me, and that I was to stay and have a good time, dammit! I'm really glad I decided to listen to her, for lots of reasons...

The next day, we launched a bunch of helium balloons up to Matt. We all wrote notes on the balloons, and the kids and I filled out a card for daddy.

A little backstory on this... For Jacob's birthday this year, I brought cupcakes to school for him and his kindergarten class. I also brought the bunch of balloons I got for him since they really give the birthday feel, and Jacob really wanted them there. There were a bunch of latex helium balloons, and one mylar balloon. The kids ate the cupcakes outside during recess, and then played on the playground. Some of the kids had taken the balloons and were tossing them around. Eventually, the mylar balloon got loose and took off into the sky.

Jacob was swinging on the swing set in the playground, smiling away and having a blast, watching his classmates joyfully celebrate his birthday. When I saw the mylar balloon take off, I thought "oh boy- here we go." I looked over at Jacob who didn't notice it right away, but as soon as he did, the smile fell away from his face. I ran over to him to do some damage control...

ME: "Hey, Jacob!! Check it out! Your balloon is going up to to Heaven to let Daddy know we're celebrating your birthday with your class down here!"

JACOB: His face instantly lit up again: "COOL!!! Awww, too bad we didn't attach a note to it for him!"

ME: "That's an awesome idea, my little love!!! What we'll do for Daddy's birthday is send a balloon up to him, but we'll make sure it has a note attached to it then."

He was thrilled, I was happy and relieved, and all was well. Phew!

We followed through with our plan. In combination with Matt's family, we all sent up balloons to honor Matt for his birthday, and let him know we were celebrating the day he was born, 41 years ago that day.

Conversation between Jacob and Sydney just now:

2010-07-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

SYDNEY: "Jacob, I hear my daddy."

JACOB: "In your heart?"

SYDNEY: "Yeah!"

(me from the next room - "What did he say??")

SYDNEY: "He said, I love you, Sydney- and he said he loves you, too, Jacob."

WOW..... =)

Returning to the scene of the crime...

2010-07-06T00:38:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps asking me, "when are you going back to Buffalo?" I keep saying, "August" since August 22nd is when the 5K is taking place in Matt's honor, but I still haven't made reservations for the kids and I. Normally when anticipating a trip, I can't wait to book the flight and make arrangements, but for some reason, I've been procrastinating this one something awful. Next month. It's just around the corner, and I have yet to make any concrete plans.

Again, acting as my own shrink, I've taken it upon myself to analyze the situation, and I haven't had to delve too deeply to come up with the answer...

Read more »

Lump in my throat.

2010-06-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

As good as I feel about what direction I'm taking now, I still have so many tough moments that come out of nowhere. Today, for instance, I've been fighting back tears all day.

Read more »

Progress

2010-06-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has a huge part to play in my progress, for many reasons. Through them, I have connected with so many others going through this same learning process. I call it a learning process, because everyone will experience this, but no one knows exactly when or in what form. The only guarantee in life is death.With each year (heck - with each month) brings a new stage, awareness, emotion, understanding, and more questions. No matter how long ago or recent the loss happened. The pain doesn't seem to go away (from what I know so far in my year and a half into this whole thing), but in time you learn to live with it and somehow function at the same time.

When I attended the first conference last year (now called Camp Widow), I took a risk - spending the money, going by myself, not knowing what to expect, and traveling across the country to get there. I actually learned about it through my friend Matt Logelin's blog. I took his word for it that I should go, and I'm grateful to him that I did. I received way more than I anticipated and hoped for. Friends who understand. People who get it. I learned so much at the workshops, too, with the presenters sharing their wisdom and knowledge. Knowledge is power and there is power in numbers. Truly. (OK - I'll stop with the cliches now!)

I intend to go every year, because with every year, the stages evolve. Things change, new opportunities to learn arise. Plus, I need a weekend away as a grown-up once in a while, and what better way to spend it than with a bunch of people who "get" me? Because of that, it's such a relaxing, fun, let-your-hair-down time. And widows really know how to party!

Now that I'm working for Soaring Spirits, I'm learning even more about the organization and what they offer, and appreciating it all even more. Michele Neff Hernandez, who founded this organization, has such a generous, loving, positive spirit, and we're so fortunate that she is sharing all this with us through her organization (and that she's using her superpowers for good instead of evil!).

I only just started my new position as her assistant, but with the assumption of my duties, I already feel a change inside me - like a light went on. I feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose and am headed in a much more positive direction. Thank you, Michele!!! And like I told her, this will help keep me out of trouble. Hopefully.

Take a look at the SSLF site and see what Camp Widow has to offer, and I hope to see you there!

Learning to Fly.

2010-06-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am a bird with two broken wings.
With love and encouragement from those around me,
they lift me up.
They nurse my injuries tenderly and lovingly.
I choose to listen to the positive voices around me and inside me.
They guide me.
Though my wings were shattered, I flew the coop.
In my new nest, my wings continue to heal
with the love of those around me before,
plus those around me now.
Those that I choose to let into my life.
I've had to learn to compensate for my injuries and adapt.
This has made me stronger.
I've learned other ways to get where I need to be.
Slowly my wings feel stronger and more steady.
There are still many times I fall, but I persevere.
Because it's worth it, even when it doesn't seem to be.
Worth the heartache, adversity, uncertainty.
Maybe someday my wings will heal, but not without scars.
The scar tissue will strengthen them further,
and make them more beautiful.
Maybe someday I can even soar like I did
before my wings got broken,
but I'll soar in a new direction.
And if my wings should break again, I will persevere,
repeating the steps above, perhaps skipping a few.
All this from love, through love, for love, with love.

Updates

2010-06-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago, Sydney asked me for something and I said no. She replied with a very dramatic, "I hate you!" and stormed off.

Now, this girl just turned three years old, and her brother is six and he never pulled that crap on me! I put her in time out, and when she was done serving her time, I asked her, "Do you know why you were in time out?"

She said yes, so I had her explain it to me...

Read more »

Written by Jacob:

2010-06-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

dear daddy i love you love jacob row and sydney and mommy i love you olovos.........

(note: olovos = all of us)

Almost a dream come true.

2010-06-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I found out that Cameron canceled Matt's phone, right about the same time they attempted to take our Workers' Compensation payments from the kids and I. Actually, Matt's mom found out the hard way by calling it and instead of hearing his voice on the other end, she got a message that the service had been discontinued.

We were so thankful that they kept his phone in tact so we could hear his voice. I even posted about it a while back.

I tried calling it initially to hear for myself but hadn't tried since, until the other day. I thought I'd try one more time just for the heck of it in case they fixed it, and I got a generic voice mail message, but no Matt's voice. I actually thought maybe they attempted to get the voice mail back to the way it was.

Later that day, my phone rang. I looked at it, and it said it was coming from Matt. MY Matt.

Read more »

Sydney's birth.

2010-06-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

This post comes pretty late considering Sydney's birthday was May 23, but in typical style, the second child gets the shaft (not nearly as many pictures of her as Jacob, either - poor thing). It's just a good thing I only gave birth twice...

Read more »

Why.

2010-05-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

Feeling isolated tonight. I've made wonderful friends here, and my brother is near, but even if I was back "home," I would still feel isolated because night time is the worst. Kids are sleeping, and even the bunny doesn't want to be bothered. Everyone told me, "call no matter what time of night." I just can't do that, no matter how bad it is. Call and say what??

"Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you at this hour, but I'm lonely. I miss Matt. I don't know what else to say."

Then I'd feel worse waking someone up, or disturbing their peaceful "family" time.

At least I'm getting something done. Finally getting caught up with laundry (freaking laundry gets insane if I don't do it for a couple of days, and there's only three of us!), and listening to music. Normally I'd be pretty satisfied with that, but I've had a couple glasses of wine. It gets me thinking more than I want. Actually, more than that, it makes me FEEL more than I want. You'd think it would do the opposite. Sometimes it does...

I'm lonely. But not for just a warm body. I'm lonely for the one man who really, truly got me. He knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. He accepted me for all my quirks, and appreciated some things about me I didn't even know until he pointed them out. He loved me unconditionally, even though I could be a major bitch sometimes. I miss the comfort he brought me just being here. The feeling of wholeness. Belonging. I miss his voice. I miss his face. I used to stare at his face all the time, memorizing every single line, freckle, scar, hair, everything. Thank GOD I did that. I miss every, single thing about him. I wrack my brain trying to figure out WTF happened. WHY? I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to have my life ripped out from underneath me. I don't understand why this had to happen to my kids. It makes not one little bit of sense.

I really try to think of the bigger picture, like maybe there's some higher purpose in all of this. I'm doing my best to fulfill whatever the fuck that is, but honestly, I still don't really get it. Maybe someday I will, but it's been a year and a half, and as much as I'm trying, there are times when nothing makes sense to me, and I think, WHY???????

Some Sydney Quotes

2010-05-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Waving her imaginary magic wand, she says:
Csh - You're a princess!
Csh - I'm a princess!
Csh - Jacob's the daddy!

Sydney put her hands on my face and said, "Cute little mama." HA!

"Sometimes it's scary in my room, but it's not."
She's afraid of dinosaurs and penguins. For a while, she was having bad dreams about penguins, and that has to be the only explanation of why anyone would be afraid of a cute, waddly penguin. She wanted to watch Happy Feet recently, so maybe she's getting over her fear...

"Mommy, I have a question for you. What was God born from?"
I was completely stumped by this - my answer was, "I don't know." What a question from a kid not even three years old yet!!!

Randomly - usually when we're driving:
When I grow up, I dance with my daddy.
When I grow up and get taller than you, I marry my daddy. That's who I marry.
When I big Sydney, I get married and dance with my daddy.

I honestly don't have a clue where the heck she gets this stuff, but it absolutely breaks my heart.

You da best mommy in da world. Jacob da best bruda in da world.

She is SO animated when she talks, too - using hand gestures all the time and so much inflection in her voice.

She sometimes takes her hand and gently strokes my cheek while she looks lovingly into my eyes.

Sydney's third birthday was May 23, and I had a party for both her and Jacob on May 22. Lots more to write about!

New bed.

2010-05-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Matt and I shared a king sized bed. The bedroom in our house in Buffalo was much bigger and the bed fit in there comfortably. Since he was always so good at making furniture out of wood, he had planned to make our headboard.

Read more »

A year and a half.

2010-05-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

May 15, 2010.

I hadn't thought too much about the date until I picked a date between Jacob and Sydney's birthdays to have a party, and when it occurred to me the date it fell on, my heart fell right along with it. It's hard enough celebrating my kids' birthdays without Matt, let alone on the day that marks a year and a half since his death.

I thought I could do it. I was feeling strong and positive leading up to the second week in May. However, the toll of the recent drama with Cameron (times two) - not to mention all the stuff that's happened that I haven't posted about (which usually is a lot), two sick kids, putting the plans for my business in motion, burning the candle (I can get SO much more accomplished when the kids are asleep at night), all completely ran me down mentally, emotionally, and physically. Ended up with a sinus infection on top of it. I postponed the party until the following weekend.

In my usual style (you'd think I'd recognize the pattern by now), I get raging angry before I can cry. I've gotten so good at stifling my emotions, faking my own self out in the meantime, that I don't quite recognize when it's building up. Or maybe I do and I just try to ignore it... Between all the above, Jacob's birthday, the approaching Mother's Day that I almost successfully forgot about, and having to plan a party, I was a ticking time bomb.

I got through Mother's Day like a champ in my opinion. Everyone keeps telling me I need to do more for myself, so the day before, I hired a babysitter and finally got my hair cut after about eight months. Since I still had some time before I had to come home, I also got a manicure and a pedicure. I was feeling pampered and pretty (all dressed up and no where to go, as they say). All prepared for Mother's Day. My kids even drew some sweet Happy Mother's Day pictures for me with the babysitter (thank you, Celia!).

Jacob came into my room the next morning and hopped into my bed and wished me an enthusiastic, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!!!" How sweet of him to remember! Then, my brother's wife had made appointments for her and I to get a half hour massage while my brother watched all the kids (bless his soul). I was really looking forward to a little more human touch, even if I had to pay for it (boy that sounds terrible). However, we got there late, so my half hour was more like 20 minutes. Afterward, my sister-in-law and I went shopping, so I got to do some retail therapy - found some really great clothes that in reality I'll hardly get a chance to wear, plus I feel guilty about what I spent. But they're SO pretty... What the hell - I'll wear them while I'm picking weeds.

Thinking I was able to stave off negative emotions, it all sneaked up only to blindside me the next day. Monday morning was the start of yet another week of failed morning routines that give a lousy start to the day. After the past few weeks of consecutively shitty mornings, I totally lost it when both kids were melting down on me at the same time. I lost it on the kids - yelled, screamed, whipped Jacob's bagel clear across the kitchen, then ran into my bedroom bawling (loudly). My poor kids. I still had to get Jacob to school, so I managed to get them into the van, brought Jacob to school, and cried the entire time. In front of everyone.

What's so strange and frustrating is that as I'm going through those peak moments of uncontrolled rage, sadness, insanity, I can see myself objectively as if an observer, but yet I don't have the ability to control myself.

Thank God for some of the moms I'm friends with who, once again, came through for me. After school, the kids and I went to a play date at my friend Claire's house, and though I cried most of the time we were there, I smiled and laughed a bit, too. They probably think I'm certifiable (hell - I probably am), but they still seem to like me!

So a year and a half later, here I am. There are times I feel like I'm getting a handle on grief and this new life I've been forced into, and a lot of times when I'm still completely lost, just trying to function to meet our basic needs. I'm still in disbelief a lot of the time, though. When I read the words, think them in my head, hear my kids say them, etc., I'm struck with the reality all over again somehow (yet I can turn off the connection between brain and heart when I say them to someone else). When I see his clothes in my closet, or his shoes on the floor (even in my new home), I have to stop and think to remind myself that he's not coming back. I could take his clothes off the hangers, and it wouldn't make a difference. He's not going to wear them again. Sometimes I have to remind myself, sometimes it just hits me. All over again.

What's odd, too, is the past couple of weeks, my life has been flashing before my eyes. Lots of little details. My life with Matt, and just about every moment since. Not so much the stuff that happened before he came into my life, though. It's almost like I have a hard time remembering what my life was like before he entered it. I think after he was in it, I didn't really want or need to remember what it was like before.

Saturday, May 15, 2010 came and went. No party, nothing significant. In fact, the whole morning passed before I remembered the significance of the day (as embarrassing as that is to admit out loud). I felt Matt so close to me that whole day. It wasn't until after I tried to think about what was so special about the date to figure out why he was with me so strongly that I actually remembered. A year and a half, to the day. He made the day easier (or harder?) by being at the forefront of my mind and heart, like he was standing with me the whole time. Thank you, My Love.

I think a small part of me is probably holding onto the pain, as if it keeps him closer. Like, if I let go of the pain, I'm letting go of him. I know that's not true, but I think that's a small part of why I hurt. A very small part. Funny how I can think of this shit so objectively, yet it doesn't change it. I guess understanding is something, anyway.

If there's anyone out there who thinks that I should be "over it" by now, I'll have you know, it ain't happening and I have doubts that it ever will. I'm still learning to push through, one challenging moment at a time.

Camp Widow

2010-05-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote a review about my experience last July at the first national conference on widowhood by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation (SSLF).

It's an annual event (currently dubbed "Camp Widow"), and I'm so looking forward to the next one happening this August. Not only will I get some insight into why the second year of widowhood seems harder in a lot of ways than the first (a subject for another post), but I'll also get to meet some people that I've talked to (and some I've become friends with) - either by phone, Facebook, blog, etc. - and haven't had a chance to meet yet, and see some of my friends from the last conference. Plus, I finally get to meet and hang out with my friend Sarah!

The SSLF also has developed the Widow Match program in which they match up widowed people according to their circumstances. NOT a dating thing at all, but just helping people connect so they have someone to talk to that can understand where they're coming from so they don't feel completely alone in this hell.

For my fellow widowed readers, not only do I recommend that you attend Camp Widow, but I also recommend that you take a look at Widow Voice, which is a blog with several writers, who all give a different perspective on widowhood. Some posts are humorous, some take you into the depths of emotion, but all will touch you. I've had a lot of "AHA!" moments reading some of their posts.

Thank you, Michele Hernandez, for putting this all together and helping so many of us!

(Talk about a whole lotta links!!)

Seaons of Solace.

2010-05-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

This is a book of poems and pictures, written by Janelle Shantz Hertzler. Janelle had asked me to do an interview with her a while back, and she asked some thought-provoking questions that I was happy to answer. This is one widow that is making a difference in other widowed people's lives, but I should speak for myself and say she has made a difference in mine.

Her poems have the ability to express such immensely deep descriptions of emotions in such few words. It's truly amazing. She is able to express in just 75 pages some of the things that I have been feeling right along that I haven't been able to express in all the posts I've written so far on this blog. The pictures she took to accompany her poems are just as touching, too. It's incredible how a loss like ours can inspire some spark of creativity and talent that may have been dormant all along.

Janelle is truly gifted, and she is sharing her gift with everyone through her book. I know I'm not doing any justice to what she has done with my description, but I feel that anyone who has lost a spouse or suffered the loss of a loved one, or who wants to attempt to understand what a widowed person might be feeling, can benefit by reading her book. It shows in such honesty her evolution from trying to make sense of a senseless situation to the peace and wisdom attained by it.

I've read it a few times, and will keep reading and rereading it, because I still have so much to learn. Thank you, Janelle. I am grateful for your gift, but I am deeply sorry for what it took for you to give it to us.

Jacob's birth.

2010-05-07T01:17:00.000-07:00

Matt and I were married for a year before we decided to start our family. When we decided it was time, I was so excited at the prospect of getting pregnant, having a baby and being a mom. For some reason, though, I had this seed of doubt that I would be able to get pregnant - not sure why, except that you don't know what that journey will be like until you're on it. I know many women who struggled to get pregnant. As excited as Matt was at the prospect of me becoming pregnant, he was also pretty nervous. I assured him, "Don't worry Babe - it doesn't always happen on the first try. We could be at it a year before anything happens."

Read more »

Jacob's birthday

2010-05-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today is my sweet little love's 6th birthday. Unfortunately, my kids' birthdays are a major "grief trigger" for me. This is the second time Matt is missing Jacob's birthday, and it's not any easier. We have to be happy, sing, and celebrate - without his daddy.

When grief is triggered for me, I struggle to function, and this is when I need to be at my best. It doesn't help that I'm getting sick on top of it. I need to pull myself together, bake a cake, bake cupcakes for his class tomorrow (today is a half-day, so his class will have more time to enjoy their cupcakes tomorrow instead of today) and put on a happy face. I was going to take Jacob bowling this weekend, but I couldn't get it together enough to get out of the house yesterday, let alone take the kids bowling.

Since Sydney's birthday is at the end of this month, I usually combine their parties into one. I'm planning on having it on the 15th, but haven't sent out any invitations yet or made any concrete plans. It occurred to me yesterday that May 15 is exactly the year and a half mark of Matt's death. Great day for a party, huh. =(

I'll write a happy post related to Jacob's birthday, recounting the joy his birth brought Matt and me. But right now, I need to pretend I have the energy to get off my chair and bake when all I really want to do is bury my head and sleep.

My sweet, innocent, little boy...

2010-04-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon when I picked Jacob up from school, he asked me, "When we go back to Buffalo, can we visit our friend the police officer who told us our daddy died?"

The irony of the timing of his question was amazing. If he only knew... I wasn't quite sure what to say.

Do I say, "Honey, I've heard his voice and words over and over again in my head, and see his face so vividly still in my mind - I don't need him in front of me."

On the other hand, he was so compassionate and caring. It would probably mean a lot to him to see us again and know that we're still living and breathing, and doing OK. After all, his first visit to us after Matt died had been delayed because he didn't want to bring me pain with his presence - he just wanted to see how we were.

I wanted to ask Jacob, "Why would you want to see him? How did him telling us your daddy died make him our friend?"

My response, after a long pause, was more like, "Um, probably not, sweetie."

You have such a sweet heart, Jacob Row. I can learn a lot from you. EVERYONE can.

"Houston, we have a problem..."

2010-04-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

I find it very interesting that the same company that my husband worked for when he died on the job is one of the SAME companies that's involved in that huge oil spill off the coast of Louisiana.

You won't find Cameron's name in probably any other article than the one in the Houston Chronicle with regard to the spill.

But look fast, because it might disappear like anything else in writing that casts Cameron in a negative light to the public.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL ARTICLE

A little blurb:
"Cameron, the Houston firm that made the blowout preventer, is working with BP and Transocean to determine what, if anything, went wrong. Investigations by the companies and government authorities will sort out those questions in coming weeks"

EDITED TO ADD:

I stand corrected... This is NOT the only article with Cameron's name mentioned:
Article from Business Week
Article from nola.com
Article from MSNBC (This doesn't mention Cameron, but it's an account of what a horrible tragedy this spill has become.)

The Potty Train

2010-04-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

Sydney announced yesterday that she doesn't want to wear diapers anymore, so we were going to start full steam ahead this week with no more diapers... only, she also announced yesterday that she was sick.

She's had a little dry cough the past week, but thought she was getting over it - I just chalked it up to all the pollen in the air right now. Yesterday it started sounding a lot more wet and productive, and I also noticed her appetite was going down.

Read more »

Good News and Bad News...

2010-04-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

Which do you want first? There are a couple of sets...

Read more »

Easter 2010

2010-04-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

Since Matt died, holidays have truly sucked. But since I have two very sweet kids to keep it together for, I try to make the best of them.

This Easter wasn't so bad, though... The street I live on has at least five families that we are friends with now - the parents are around my age, and their kids are around the same ages as mine.

They invited us to their annual Easter egg hunt that they hold in the front yards of three homes that are all next to each other - just a few doors down from us! After the kids found their Easter baskets and feasted on their chocolate bunnies, we headed across the street to the hunt...

Read more »

Prayers from strangers.

2010-04-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

The other day, the kids and I were hanging out in the house and I noticed a car pull up on the street in front of our house. I can't remember exactly what we were doing - it was either when we were cuddled up on the couch together relaxing, or I was making dinner. Either way, I noticed this car and the lady inside, and she was just sitting there in the car.

Read more »

Home Depot

2010-04-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

When we were building our house, Matt and I made a million trips to Home Depot. While we were there picking out things like PVC pipes, 2 x 4's, power saws, nails and light fixtures, we also got ideas from looking at their displays of kitchens, tiles and carpeting... Home Depot was filled with promise and of things to look forward to putting into our new home. It was so much fun dreaming of what the finished product of our home would be like while looking around the store.

Read more »

Mystery solved.

2010-04-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Right before the first round of Rows showed up for the home improvement project, there was a flurry of activity at my house... I had the electrician here to fix the garage door because it wasn't staying closed - as soon as it would touch the ground, it would open back up (the sensor was off kilter). I had the heating guy here because the heat would only work sporadically (the ignitor needed replaced on the furnace). Then I had the ADT guy here to replace the contact on the sliding glass doors from my bedroom which was preventing me from arming the system.

After the first round of home improvements were done and everyone left, I noticed a ziploc bag of spackling compound on the dresser in my bedroom, and since my brother had patched some little holes made in the ceiling from when he insulated the attic, I thought maybe it was his. I brought it with me when I went to his house to see if it belonged to him, but he said it wasn't his.

During one of the trips to Home Depot with Greg, we got on the topic of Matt's ashes and how he brings them with him everywhere he goes to spread them in the places Matt would want to be. I had given Matt's parents all of his ashes right before I moved because I didn't want them packed by the movers, and I didn't want to carry them with me on the plane across the country. Ginny distributed some to all of his brothers, and was going to bring some for me when she came out this last time. When Greg was telling me about what he was doing with them, it reminded me that Ginny didn't give me ashes while she was out.

Then it hit me...

Read more »

Home Improvement, Part II

2010-04-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

After everyone left from the first major home improvement project, I was inspired to do a little work myself (partially to continue procrastinating dealing with paperwork).

Read more »

Almost done...

2010-04-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get as much accomplished as possible in a short amount of time, I've "forbidden" myself from writing until I had gotten at least most of the things done that I needed to do this week.

Mission (almost) accomplished, but I've got so many words swirling through my head (multiplying exponentially every day) - things that I want/need to write about to get them out of my head, and things I just want to write so I don't forget. It's starting to keep me awake at night again, so I've decided that if I want to sleep and get anything accomplished during the day, I'd better just take the time to sit down and write.

So, here I am... I've got nine posts in draft now, so get ready for a lot of reading!

Church.

2010-03-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday, I think about it. I wish I was the church-going type, but I just can't bring myself to walk into a church for some reason since Matt's death.

Read more »

Home Improvement

2010-03-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning, my in-laws came into town - Ginny and Roy drove in from Arizona, and Chris and his boys (I shouldn't say boys - they're in their 20's now), Red and John, drove in from New Mexico. They were here until Tuesday morning, and my brother Bryan who lives nearby was here almost the whole time they were. You won't believe all that they accomplished in the short time they were here...

Read more »

Exciting morning!

2010-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

My first earthquake in Southern California!!

My in-laws were up just before 4am getting ready for their drive back to Arizona, and I briefly woke to hear them. I dozed back to sleep and woke a few minutes later to the bed shaking. My first thought was that one of the kids was bouncing on my bed, and then I realized that it wasn't just the bed that was shaking!

Read more »

Crazy dreams...

2010-03-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

I decided to start writing down my crazy, action-packed dreams since maybe someday I could use them as a plot in a movie (I'm in the right town for it now), and cure my financial worries...

Last night, my dream involved a huge, sprawling, complex building (as many of them do for some reason). This one was a mall, and had a daycare and a hotel attached to it. It was a great place to go shopping and leave your kids in a safe place while you shopped in peace. What a great dream, huh? Well, it turned ugly.

Read more »

TURN IT OFF!

2010-03-09T23:29:00.000-08:00

My mind has been racing uncontrollably. I've been insanely busy with catching up with the things I've been procrastinating dealing with. Wanna hear the list?
Read more »

Luckiest Mommy...

2010-03-09T01:30:00.000-08:00

I've been under the weather going on a good two months now, on and off. The past few days, though, mostly on.

Read more »

This morning...

2010-03-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Jacob and Sydney are watching one of their Blue Planet videos that they love as I'm putting laundry away in the kids' room.

Out of the blue, Sydney runs up to me and says, "My daddy is in my heart!" as she's patting her heart with her right hand. "MY heart! My daddy is in MY heart!"

"Yes he is, sweetie. He IS in your heart!"

And with her sweet little innocent face and wide eyes, she said excitedly as she's bouncing up and down, "Can I see him? Can I see him, Mom?"

And then my heart shatters into a thousand pieces.

Jeff Fazzolari

2010-03-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

Today marks the first anniversary of my friend Jeff's death. Jeff and I worked together at The Gow School for about six years.

His wife, three young children, brothers, sisters, parents, friends have all been on my mind and on my heavy heart more than usual the past week.

Jeff was such a good man - fun, smart, honest, talented chef, so down to earth, and freakishly awesome at beer pong and foosball (I've played this game since I was four and somehow I'm still unsure how to spell the word). For the record, he was one of the only people I've played to actually have kicked my ass at that game.

His famous opening line was, "How YOU doin'?" and his famous last words were, "Whattya gonna do."

When I was pregnant, he was willing to make chocolate pudding for dessert at the dining hall whenever I demanded it (without the stupid chocolate chips - it's a texture thing), and the chocolaty zucchini bars that I was convinced he was messing with me that there was actually zucchini in them.

He and his wife gave me a couple of bags of hand-me-downs for our kids, and he put them in my unlocked van for me one afternoon at work. It was so nice of him to do that; especially since I was running late from taking care of SAT's, and in light of his bad back. When I finally got to my van, however, I discovered not only the bags, but that he had re-adjusted my car seat, all the mirrors, windshield wipers, and anything else that he was able to adjust. It took me at least ten minutes to get everything back to where it was so I could go home.

The next time he offered me hand-me-downs, I graciously declined.

Because of him, I have a new appreciation for Bruce Springsteen and ice sculptures. Because of him, I've made a couple more really great friends.

I hope he and Matt are having a beer together, and that he didn't get his ass kicked by my sasquatch.

Miss you, Jeff. You are one of the good guys. Please tell Matt I said Hi and I love you. I hope to have a great meal when I get to where you guys are.

Carrie and Cliff, I've been thinking and praying for you guys, and for all the Fazzolaris.

Love and peace to each and every one of you.

...I've had a few glasses of wine in your honor tonight, Jeff.... (hiccup)

Tonight's conversation...

2010-03-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

We were eating ice cream tonight after dinner and I asked Jacob if he remembered what his dad's favorite kind of ice cream was. He didn't remember, so I reminded him that it was vanilla ice cream with chocolate powder (Nestle Quick). Chocolate ice cream was too chocolaty for his liking, so he preferred to mix the chocolate powder in with the vanilla ice cream.

A few moments later, he said, "I wish Daddy didn't eat ice cream." I asked him why, and he said, "because maybe he wouldn't have made mistakes."

Read more »

Jacob's dream.

2010-03-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

Jacob came into my room this morning around 6:15 with his (stuffed) puppy and snuggled up with me. He was having some dreams that bothered him. He was whispering the details to me, so I couldn't make out everything he said, but I think I got the main idea...

Read more »

Some quotes from the past few days...

2010-03-02T03:11:00.000-08:00

Me: "Jacob, I love you SO much."
Jacob: "Ahhhhh... That makes me explode into a confetti of hearts."

Sydney: "I LOVE pickles! Pickles good!!"

Yesterday... (3/1/10)
Sydney: "Mommy, where'd my daddy go?"

Sydney at dinner tonight (3/2/10): "Where'd my fork go?"
Jacob, while she was looking for her fork and she said 'no thanks' to more crab meat: "Sydney, you don't know what you're missing!"
Sydney's reply: "My fork! My fork is missing!"

Tonight after I gave Sydney her bath and was putting lotion on her, Jacob was looking at her and claimed he could see through her skin into her body. He was telling me where her heart was, that he could see the valves and veins, her bones, her bladder... When he was "looking" at her heart, he said he could also see Daddy in there.

When I was tucking Sydney into bed while Jacob finished up his bath, she asked for the umpteenth time where her daddy is. My explanation varies a little each time I explain it to her, just to avoid sounding like a broken record. Tonight, I explained to her that he is in her heart, and even though she can't see him, he is still with us.

Me to Sydney, continuing the conversation: "Maybe when you close your eyes and dream, he'll come into your dream and say hello and let you know how much he loves you."

She said, "THAT'S my daddy!!" and settled into bed, snuggling under her covers with a big smile on her face.

I've been a bad friend.

2010-03-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

It's only recently that the fog is starting to lift a little and I can see some things a bit more objectively.

One of those things is that I have not been good about keeping in touch with my friends back east. My phone calls have been few and far between, emails and Facebook messages just as scarce. I've had intentions to call and I think about them all the time, but I seem to find some excuse not to make the effort. Yes, I've been very busy here, but how much time and effort does it really take to pick up the phone and dial? The time difference is a factor for sure - three hours can really mess things up. I know my friends are busy, too, and time gets away from them just as easily as it does for me.

I still feel a little guilty about this, but after giving some more thought to it, there may be a bit more to why I'm not as quick to pick up the phone as I once was.

Read more »