Lately my energy level has been so low, and has seemed to get even worse. It's a struggle to pry myself out of bed and function with the basic day to day things. All I want to do is sleep. I'll get a burst of energy here and there and can get a ton of things accomplished in that little window, and muster up the energy I need for my Tae Kwon Do class, but the fatigue I've been experiencing has been very unusual and has started to worry me.
I've been trying to come up with common sense reasons for why I could be experiencing this. No, I don't feel depressed (for once), and I have a physical coming up with some blood work planned that could shed some light, too. But I had an epiphany while in the shower this morning that makes sense to me. Whether or not it makes sense to anyone else is questionable, but I don't need validation for that anymore, either (which brings me to my epiphany).
Since Matt died, I've been angry. Anger has been the default emotion for me for pretty much everything. If I get hurt physically or emotionally, I get angry. If I am sad, I get angry and don't actually feel sad. Anger has given me the energy to move four times in five years (including two cross-country moves), start and dissolve two different businesses, and all the other stuff I've had to do over the last eight plus years. I've done a lot of things over the course of the years to distract myself from dealing with a lot of what's been going on inside me which has been good and not so good... But one of the things I was doing, I hadn't even realized I was doing until very recently.
I always thought I was an honest person. Honest with myself, honest with others. What I realized recently was that I haven't been. I was ignoring my own truth many times. Saying yes when I should have said no. In most cases, I didn't even know that "no" was an option. I was always so concerned with what others thought about me and doing what I thought was expected that I denied myself. When I say it "out loud" like this, it almost doesn't make sense.... Helping my mom so much over the years that I enabled her and burned myself out and now can barely get myself to go see her. Trying in vain to keep a relationship with Matt's family because I felt it was my obligation to do so on his behalf. Holding on to friendships that because of the longevity of the relationship, I felt I had to, when there was no genuine depth because it was primarily based on getting drunk together.
Feeling so hurt by others close to me so much recently and wondering what I've been doing wrong that caused it, when it was really because of expectations I have put on myself AND them that weren't exactly fair to any of us. And it could also be God's way of showing me who belongs in our lives and who doesn't.
Just because people are related to us, whether by blood or by marriage or by years of friendship, doesn't make it mandatory to hold onto them at any cost to keep them in our lives. Sometimes the most fair and healthy thing to do is to let them go, also letting go of any expectations from them or yourself for them.
We've been very low-key recently with all these transitions taking place - especially since my energy has been in the pooper. Distancing myself from the world in the process, but I realize that THAT is exactly what I've needed to do. Stop distracting myself with busy-ness, people, dating, everyone else's needs, get-togethers, etc. I've learned to say no.
I've stopped going out for the most part (but I realize I do need to keep some balance so I'm kind of forcing myself to go out maybe once a month). I've learned to accept and love my life, just the way it is. Being more present for my kids instead of spreading myself so thin among everyone else has been what they've needed, too. No one else can give that to them and they need me more than anyone else in this world does. Being home with my children is more valuable to me than doing anything else. Even if we're not actually doing anything, just being under the same roof with them, knowing they're safe and happy is what fuels my soul. Everything I need in my life is right here under my own roof and has been all along. It's a relief to not feel like I need to seek it elsewhere, trying in vain to find a missing piece that's wasn't actually missing.
It's been in this quiet transition that I've learned the most. I've spoken my truth to those who've needed to hear it, including myself. I simply haven't had the energy to filter and weigh words. There were resentments I had been stifling for so long that I didn't even know were in there, but it's eventually all come spilling out to those who needed to hear it. It may have hurt some people, but sometimes the truth is painful. I know it's been painful for me for a long time, and I've finally stopped trying to protect everyone else from it, too. That's required more energy than I have to spare. I've learned that there have been people in my life right along that I overlooked for a long time that have genuine love for us. We've made new friends during this time, too. I'm learning to connect more with the people that I have a genuine connection with.
And it just hit me that that I've let go of a lot of anger and resentment as a result of this process. Some of that anger is what has fueled me for years. Now that it's not there anymore, I'm tired. Tired from relief, and from the work I've been doing on myself that I didn't even realize I was doing. Thankful that some of these situations I'd been so bitter about have finally come to a head and popped like a festering boil. The relief is intense and exhausting. I'm now in the process of building myself and my energy back up and will try to remember to be patient with that process, too. (Or, could just be that my iron is low...) ;)