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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, January 29, 2016

So....

That declaration I made a few posts back... It kinda scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid to get into too much detail about it (especially publicly) because experience and PTSD has programmed me to believe that these kinds of good things don't last and the rug will soon get ripped out from underneath me. But I'm really working to stay positive about it and not let that overshadow the amazingness that's been happening.


Hard to imagine...

It was thirty years ago yesterday that the Challenger's launch was televised around the world. Thousands of children watched in awe from their old clunky classroom television sets as the Challenger launched - knowing that it was also the first time that a teacher was part of the crew. A teacher, just like the one they were with while watching this historical event take place.

My 7th grade class and I watched in horror as the Challenger exploded into smoky pieces right before our eyes. It was so hard to believe that it actually happened. I don't think anyone who watched this on live TV could ever forget that moment.

I was twelve at the time, and had no idea what life had in store for me. Jacob is almost the same age I was when I watched those events unfold. With that in mind, I think about things from his perspective; he's already experienced the unthinkable in his own real life which has now become his normal. I know he has many hopes and dreams for his future, which I would imagine that to him right now are probably pretty hard to imagine.



Monday, January 25, 2016

Friday, January 22, 2016

Seven...

There seems to be something magical about the number seven... I wrote a little bit about it here, but seven years does seem to be the length of time required for a complete regeneration. Not only do I feel like I found my way out of that rut, but I came out of it a little more evolved.

Since I'm still trying to build my energy level back up, I've had to learn to conserve and use my energy for the most necessary things and let go of the rest. I truly believe this is one of the reasons we go through trials in our lives - it's all for the lessons they give. I have to believe that because I wouldn't even want to consider that it's all for nothing... Fortunately, I've been able to learn a lot - much more than I ever wanted to learn, but grateful that I can always take away something positive from a negative experience, make sense of it, and apply it going forward. It's interesting to note, too, that sometimes it takes years to understand why certain things happened they way they did.

I've learned to say no and remove myself from unhealthy situations that have sucked the life out of me. I've learned to let go of people I've tried too hard to hang on to (if it's that much work to keep someone in your life, then it's time to let go). I'm learning to trust my gut. I'm learning to simplify (this is a tough one -believe it or not- since keeping things simple is not how I was raised). I'm learning to recognize and acknowledge the people in our lives who really want to be there and give them more of our time and love. I'm learning to say yes to the people and situations in our lives that are good for us and will lift us up. And, I'm remembering that God is an integral part of that equation.

Thank you, God, for all of our blessings, and even our lessons. But if you wouldn't mind, God, I'd really like some time off from the lessons for a little while to just enjoy things the way they are before the next shoe drops. Pretty please? 

I'm still working on learning how to trust the good things that are happening in our lives, and that it's okay to be happy. Trust without fear... This is my next big lesson (hopefully it won't be too painful).