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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November.

For the first time since Matt died, I don't feel the urge to run by moving. For the first time since Matt died, I don't feel the need to put a band aid on by getting involved with a man. I've come a long way over the last six years. In fact, I've gotten further along in the nearly two years I've been living in our current home.

I've realized something for a long time - I've been a serial dater. Even being fully aware that this is what I have been doing, I wasn't deterred. There were many reasons for this - although I never in a million years would have thought I would ever want to be with another man other than my wonderful husband, I found myself going from relationship to relationship. I passed judgment on women like me in the past, so I guess this is another learning experience I may have needed to make me more understanding of others... Part of the reason for this was for the temporary thrill- the euphoric feeling you get when you start something new and different; when sparks fly, it's like a high. Avoidance of dealing with grief has been another big part of it... And part of it was also because I didn't want to be alone and let myself feel the painful pangs of loneliness. Before Matt came along, I was alone most of the time, and I didn't think I would ever have to be alone again now that he was in my life. I got spoiled.

A string of some pretty bad relationships, and then finally one of the worst ones being the last, have finally cured me. I'm actually grateful that the last one (which ended a few months ago) was SO lousy, that it makes me cringe when I think of getting involved with another man. I know I won't always feel this way. I know there are lots of good men out there and I shouldn't let a few bad apples spoil it for me. And it wasn't all bad apples; one of the things I learned was that I was seeing something in these guys that I WANTED to see - not necessarily something that was actually there... But I'm finally where I've been wanting to be for this whole time - not feeling the NEED to be involved with someone. I don't feel a sense of urgency to fill the void, or because I'm at the outer edge of my prime and feel like I need to make the best use of my youth before it slips through my fingers. Nope. I'm using all that good stuff for my kids and me - the way I should have from the very beginning.

I feel a lot of guilt that I "needed" more than my children to fill any void or create more distractions for myself, but what's done is done. Everyone deals with this stuff differently, and I guess that's how I had to deal, so I shouldn't apologize. It all got me through to this point. If I was looking at this objectively as if it was happening to someone else, I'm sure I would be a lot easier on them about it than I have been on myself. Isn't that how everyone is, though? I feel like every bad experience I have has taught me a very valuable lesson; although I'd like to take a nice, loooong hiatus from education.

If by some miracle, some really spectacular, deserving man comes into my life, and I'm open to the possibility of a relationship at that point in time, and the moon and the stars are all lined up to make it all a possibility, I will entertain the idea of letting love back into my life.

In the meantime, I am truly at peace with my life as it is at this very moment, and it's an amazing feeling. My children, my wonderful network of friends, and my family fulfill me. I have everything I need and want. At this point, anything beyond this would be considered a bonus. 

But ay, there's the rub....



November brings out the worst in me, and I have to put concerted effort into resisting the urge to fall back into a bad pattern of filling the void and looking for distractions. I want to be healthy and strong, and hold true to myself. I want to keep feeling the happy fulfillment I've been feeling for the last several months.

I try so hard to not let Novembers rule me - I honestly don't anticipate feeling like shit when this month rolls around, but somehow it just sneaks up on me.

It will be six years on November 15. SIX YEARS. And what is really getting to me is that I've now been widowed as long as I was married. The thought just crushes me.

I've lost patience with myself with all this November bullshit, however. I've been angry with myself for feeling so down when I have so much to be grateful for. I feel like I should be dealing better than I am today.  I am so immensely blessed, and am at the best point right now that I have been since Matt died - we're living in the ideal location for us (it'll be two years in March), and we are surrounded by truly wonderful friends. My kids are thriving more than ever. And like I said earlier in this post, I am truly at peace with my life as it is in this very moment.

I have friends dealing with some serious stuff right now - a couple of them are fighting for their lives, and I feel like I have a lot of nerve letting depression or any self pity bring me down at this point. And then on the other hand, I should allow myself to have moments and not feel guilty for them... Even if some last a little longer than others.

When I have these internal struggles, it makes me feel a bit like I'm losing my mind, but I'm eternally grateful to remember that IT WILL PASS. And it doesn't take rounds of chemo and surgery for that to happen.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

:)

glenda said...

Thinking of you during this difficult month. It will pass... but everything at it's time.

My mom was widowed after being married 28 yrs. She never remarried. I would always ask her if she didn't feel like she missed "companionship" and she would always says NO. She passed in 2004 28 yrs a widow :(

I hope it gets better for you. I'm glad that you're at a better place now that you were two years ago. Enjoy your kiddos, family & friends and if by chance he shows up... enjoy every minute of it!