I probably have mentioned this before, but Sydney talks about her daddy every single day. She incorporates him into her daily life and talks about the daddy she hasn't seen since she was 18 months old as if she hasn't missed a day. Jacob thinks about him all the time, too, but he is less likely to say it out loud. Sydney rarely has an unexpressed thought, while Jacob has so many...
She says random things like, "You know what's really sad? Daddy won't be able to go to my wedding." She is seven years old and thinks of these things. I know in my heart he will be there, but my heartbreak for her is that he won't be the one to walk her down the isle.
"Mommy, what does Daddy's voice sound like?"
"Did Daddy like this song?"
"Was this song on the radio when Daddy was alive?"
"I miss Daddy."
"Daddy would have LOVED that!!"
"Daddy would have loved to do paper crafts with me."
She kisses Matt's picture, kisses the tattoo on my wrist because it was his handwriting, and puts her hands over her heart because he's in there.
These are daily occurrences, and while they break my heart over and over, it also makes my heart full to think of the love she has for her wonderful daddy who isn't physically with us, but with us in every other possible way.
I'm grateful that she expresses these thoughts and feelings, and kind of wish Jacob did more.
Jacob gets angry at the boy next door who is mean to him, and I try to make him see that he acts that way because this poor kid is lacking in so many important ways in his life. When I say that, Jacob's response is, "So am I!!"
Sometimes Matt's absence is such a screaming loss in his life that it makes it hard for Jacob to see all the blessings he still has. I know the feeling... Everyone is entitled to their moment, but I remind him that we have so much in every other way that many people don't, including a home full of love and peace.
Jacob also knows that he is a lot like his dad in so many wonderful ways. I just have to remember that he needs to realize he is also his own person and doesn't need to be like his daddy to be awesome.
Last school year, Jacob was in fourth grade, and Sydney in first... First year for the Father/Daughter dance. I was dreading it since she was in Kindergarden, wondering what would be the best way to deal with that day. After agonizing about it for months up until the last possible moment, I decided that we would just blow it off and Sydney and I will do a special Mother/Daughter dinner.
Jacob and I went to the Mother/Son bowling event through school (the day after I broke my wrist rollerblading with the kids - I'll write a separate post about that one!), and in lieu of the Father/Daughter dance, Sydney and I got dressed up and had reservations for a very fancy restaurant. We dined on some delicious cuisine and it was a wonderful treat for both of us. She did still miss going to the dance; perhaps next year I'll just take her there myself...