"...If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to..."
I've had insomnia going on a few months now, and I finally realized what I need to do to help me sleep. WRITE!! Gotta get these swirling words out of my head and write them down!
"...And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to..."
When listening to this particular set of lyrics, I was surprised at just how starkly accurate this describes how I feel about this blog. This is essentially my diary, but because it's "out there," people will use my words however they want to - good or bad. The good, however, far outweighs the bad, so I continue.
As I told Jacob yesterday (trying to get him to open up about stuff), something I've learned over the years about myself is that if I didn't talk about what I'm feeling, I was inclined to think I'm weird and the only one thinking or feeling a certain way. But, when I've talked about it to others, I found I'm not alone with those crazy thoughts and feelings, and there's actually nothing weird or strange about them at all - they're completely normal. That's something we can all do for each other.
There is something I would like to clarify, though... I've recently noticed there seem to be a few people who believe that some of the things I've written here indicate that I have not, nor cannot, move forward with another man because of how I still feel about Matt.
This had been pointed out to me a few months ago by one potential date who came across my blog while doing the obligatory google search you perform on someone when you first begin dating. He actually told me that I wasn't ready to date. First of all, no one can determine that but ME. It could be six months or six years, and it's STILL only up to me as to whether or not I'm ready to date. Secondly, the person that feels that way seems threatened by the love I have for my late husband. It has never, and never will make sense to me how anyone could be threatened by a dead man, or by love, but you would be surprised by the number of people who are. In this one particular case, though, I think he simply didn't want to accept the fact that I was just not into him, so he created these other reasons to soften the blow to his ego. Can't blame him, I guess.
I realize that by keeping my blog public, I run the risk of this happening more often, but I'm willing to take my chances.
I will never apologize for that love or attempt to diminish it. It is part of me and my children, as is Matt, and it's truly a beautiful thing. Everyone should be so fortunate. I have plenty of room in my heart and a desire for more. I have come to believe (or at least CHOOSE to believe) that there is more than one person out there who we can have such compatibility with - the yin to our yang, the peanut butter to our jelly... soul mates, if you wish. Seeing as how much I detest the whole process of dating, though, I hope it happens sometime sooner rather than later.
Another thing I noticed that's kind of funny is how most people feel that talking about an ex is "against the rules." Maybe I felt that way in the past, but the rules somehow get changed with life circumstances. And with age. Who makes up these stupid rules, anyway?? In my opinion, the relationships we've had in the past have a lot to do with what shapes us and who we become. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes; even from other's mistakes. It's not all negative, either - we're also shaped by the positive experiences. Maybe I'm also more accepting of this because I don't want to be told not to talk about Matt. Sharing our past experiences isn't necessarily a bad thing - it can help us understand the person we're trying to get to know. In the alternative, going on and on about the SAME THING isn't helpful to anyone... (Um, am I doing this? Tell me if I do this....) =/
Occasionally, I get emails from people who contact me through this blog because they found me due to their own unfortunate circumstances. My heart aches for these people, but it makes me feel good that I can positively impact even just a few with what I've written here. Because I'm associated with such an extensive and beautiful network of other widowed people, I'm able to put the people who contact me in touch with others with whom they can possibly get the most help from - or at least I try to.
My point of this post? Not exactly sure - I don't like "explaining" myself per se, but sometimes it's good to give some details to help others understand things a bit more clearly from another perspective; especially when I've encountered some prime examples over the last few years of men who almost had me convinced that I should stifle or somehow even feel bad about the love I continue to have for Matt. I know better now. "Be true to yourself." It's a good reminder to me, too, to not forget a very important lesson.
"No one can find the rewind button, girl..."
More to come... =)