My Photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Dear Matt...

Five years. Your brother Jeff counted 1825 days... It seems like an eternity, and to think of how much more time we have to be here without you is really depressing, but I count my blessings to be alive and able to raise our children - especially since you would probably give anything to be here with us to do the same.

In some ways, I've come a long way in these five years, and in others, I'm still kind of stuck. Thankfully, I've talked to some of my fellow widowed friends, and it's a normal kind of stuck - at least for some of us...

I'm finally done running away, and numbing the pain with the excitement of new relationships that don't last, trying to find someone to fill the void in vain.  Now I need to face some things head on that I'm sure I've been avoiding for the last five years. I'm not quite sure exactly what they are, but I think it's just a matter of staying put in one place and finally getting settled that will allow for more healing. At least I'm doing it with my head on a little straighter, and with my best friends by my side.

I still can't grasp the concept that I'm now older than you...

You would be so proud of your kids - they got all of your best traits! Your good looks, your intelligence (particularly for math!), and your spunky personality and sense of humor. Don't get me wrong - I take some credit... We were similar in some of those ways, too, which is probably why we got along so well!

Jacob dances to the beat of his own drum just like you, too. He thinks many rules don't apply to him, like you. ;) He is kicking ass in all his classes. Even though he's only in fourth grade, if I had to help him do as well as he is doing in math, I'd be lost. He thinks outside the box and comes up with unique solutions to problems. He has the kindest heart of anyone I know. He loves planting seeds and nurturing them and watching them grow. He harvested seeds from our bean plants so he can plant them again in the spring. Same thing with the marigolds. We've been having a lot of fun with gardening!

Sydney is a spunky little spitfire and gets more beautiful by the day. She's doing so well in first grade, and loves to read. She especially loves math! She takes ballet and enjoys every moment of it. She still looooves to talk. A lot. She adores babies - oohs and aaahs over them where ever we go. She has such a nurturing personality. She's talked about wanting to be a doctor when she grows up - I told her she might like to be the kind of doctor that delivers babies or takes care of babies. She might do a little fashion design on the side. We have lots of time to figure that stuff out...

Jacob and Sydney still play together well for the most part, but that sibling rivalry is kicking in a bit now with their ages. Fortunately, we're now living close to Karin and Connie and all the kids love playing together - plus, there's lots of kids in the neighborhood and that that we've met through school. The school is awesome and their teachers this year are really wonderful.

You know all this, though.... I know you're with us every day, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm especially grateful when I can feel your presence. I'm sorry for all the times I've cursed you out for leaving, even though I know it wasn't your choice.

We all appreciate you lending a hand with keeping your dad here a bit longer. Please give some extra love to your little cousin Jake who really needs your help. He is literally going through hell right now.

I love you and miss you every moment of every day. Every day until you're there to greet me at those pearly gates. I can finally say that I hope that's not for a very long time, though (for that, I've come a long way). I want to be fully present for our kids and help care for our grandchildren someday.

All my love forever...


8 comments:

glenda said...

Beautiful post. Love that you're looking forward to "grandchildren" Best to you and the kiddos

Anonymous said...

LOVE

Anonymous said...

For some reason, I missed this 11-15 post when I checked into your blog last week. I just thought the latest post was the 16th - but then checking in today I noticed the 5 year anniversary post - and wow! What a beautiful letter - and warm wishes of comfort to you.

Crash Course Widow said...

I don't think it's stuck so much as realizing that, finally, this loss really is for our whole lives, just like our love. Or I hope that's a good cover for "stuck." :)

Love you, sunshine!

The Hairless Hairstylist said...

I was blog browsing and stumbled across yours. Beautiful. I rarely stop and read, but you drew me in. Thanks for sharing! I share my story of being 29 with advanced stage cancer. Its called The Hairless Hairstylist. If your interested, check it out. www.thehairlesshairstylist.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I'm sure I do not "get" how tough it is to lose your husband/wife but how can you expect anyone to go forward with you (a new mate) when you post things like waiting at the gates for Matt? If I were a guy dating someone that said that I would be heart broken.

Who knows maybe your real soul mate you have yet to meet? Maybe he's still out there searching for you and Matt was not your true soul mate.

Andrea Renee said...

This is my place to express what's in my heart with full honesty. You may choose not to read if its too much for you.

That being said, it could be possible that people could have more than one soulmate.

Andrea Renee said...

You are totally entitled to your opinion, but no one could convince me that he was not my soulmate. Most people I know have never had love like that in their whole life. I consider myself blessed for having experienced it, even if it never happens again for me in this lifetime.