My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Sentenced to Life.

Matt is so present with the kids lately. A day hasn't gone by recently that Sydney hasn't mentioned Daddy's name - either to ask if he liked that song on the radio, or if that song was out when Daddy was alive, or that she wants to show Daddy something or give him something, and then imagines his reaction to it. 

I'm a bit concerned that Sydney clings to men as much as she does... My boyfriend is awesome, but I don't necessarily want her to be all over him, or the uncle I rarely see, or my nephew who visits every so often, or my friends' husbands... Is this normal for little girls, or just little girls who are craving/deprived of daddy's attention and presence? What do I do about this??

Jacob and I have been talking about him more often, too. 

It warms my heart to think that even though Matt's not physically here, his spirit and memory will be with the kids and me always, and in the same way, it still fucking hurts. 


~Chelsea~ said...

Caia is a LOT like that too. Talking about Daddy all the time. Asking every night to share stories about him, or to look at photos. All through the school year last year, it seemed to trigger more for her, and her grief over it as well.

Both the girls also cling to men - climb all over them like crazy when they get the chance. It's not that often for us, and the men never seem to mind too much, so I don't worry about it. But, it sucks to know what they're missing. And it does hurt. I feel you <3

Bill Kelly said...

Andrea, I figured I could give you a different perspective and maybe it could ease your mind a bit. I am a single father with two daughters, 13 and 9 years of age. I am present in their lives always and they spend most of their days at my house. My kids have always been clingy to me and some people have said its unhealthy for them, but I feel differently. I think we are just very close as a family and my girls are still strong, smart individuals. I see my girls just showing their love. I really think that when a family is separated (however it happens) the bond is stronger because that lose of a typical family is pronounced now and where other kids are use to just having all family members present, kids with separated families see the importance in being close more then most others.

Anonymous said...

Millie is always attacking men! Even fathers we just met, or even strangers in the pool, it's tricky because it's not an easy thing to explain to strangers. But to be honest, all the men that know Millie lost her daddy, don't seem to mind, in fact I think some of them are happy to let her do it, and the others, well I just try to apologize to feel them out and I haven't met a guy who really is annoyed by it. Or at least they don't let me know they are. I understand why you worry about it, but I think it's natural. Liz Lisk

Anonymous said...

Nice to know you have moved on and have a boyfriend now, as life is for living to the fullest...hope it all works out for the 2 of u.

Anonymous said...

I think that each child has different affection needs - which change at different stages and ages- but sometimes will have certain areas with more need. And so even if Matt was physically around, Sydney may still be clingy - it may just be a personality thing. She may have a primary love language of touch (check out Chapman's 5 love languages) - and it may be more for males just because she is female.
When my niece was younger - she was clingy similar to what you describe w/ Sydney - and she had biological dad and a step-dad in her life - it was just the way she was.
Oh, and I think you are very wise to monitor not only how your kids are doing (i.e. too clingy or not), and that you are also checking your own filter to see if you are projecting anything.
Lastly, I think it is super cool that Matt is still a part of the children's lives - even though I am sorry for your grief and pain with it - because this kind of loss is not something you "get over" - instead, it is something you work through - as we learn how to adapt and adjust to the change - and learn how to cope and manage the loss.
My prayers are with you - and may God continue to heal and comfort your loss - and may the Word of God be ointment to your soul when you need it most - because I believe that one day you will see Matt again - in heaven - and he will be on your welcome team there.

Anonymous said...

I have two quotes to share (from ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed - as he wrote about the loss of his wife, Joy)
“The death of a beloved is an amputation.”


“I once read the sentence 'I lay awake all night with a toothache, thinking about the toothache and about lying awake.'
That's true to life.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer.
I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”