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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Year of Learning.

Or, the Year of Mistakes (same thing, right?). Or, Four Years of Insanity.

Whatever you want to call it, this year trumps any bad decisions or lapses in judgement I may have had over the last four years. I guess you have to hit rock bottom before you can start going up.

2013, I believe - I pray, will be a better year. 2012 was the year of major follies. I'm trying to forgive myself for them. I hope everyone else can, too.

All I can do is be thankful that my children remain well adjusted and happy, and that I can mostly afford to repair some of the damage that's been done. And, that my friends and family will forgive me. I need to work on doing that myself, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I would forgive - especially if it was one of my kids. Everyone makes mistakes, and if God can forgive, I should be able to, too. Easier said than done, though.

One of the other things I've learned is that although I've felt sane mostly throughout these four fucking insane years, this is the most insane I've felt - at least in a long time. I don't look back on my posts, so I'm sure I've posted something about insanity at some point.

Anyway, I have a theory... I'm kind of thinking that when you feel the most insane is when you're actually gaining clarity (and sanity). I'm probably seeing things more clear now than I have in four years, and it's a really bitter pill. Bitter, painful, etc. I kind of like the clarity, though. But it makes me realize just how "bat shit crazy" I really have been over this time period (thanks for the quote, Paul).

As I'm sure I've said before, I'm infinitely grateful for my awesome kids, and the endless support and love from most of my friends and family. I really don't think I could have made it without them. I'm grateful I'm still alive and breathing at four years out, when I thought for sure I'd be dead at four days out. And aside from losing Matt, I'm pretty damn blessed. (Does that cancel each other out? Well, you get the point...)

I have a lot to live for. My kids are the number one reason. My friends and family. Aside from losing Matt, and from all the stupid mistakes I've made since, my life really isn't bad at all.

I just need to get over this latest hurdle. Please pray for us.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

So sorry you're going through another tough time. You'll be in my thoughts - hang in there!

Anne said...

I hope all is ok....Forgive yourself. We are all doing the best we can with this insane hand that we have been dealt.

The Jagow Family said...

Thinking of you and praying for you and your kiddo's. Take care!

Andrea Renee said...

Thanks, everyone.

"Another tough time" - I'm almost embarrassed to complain or vent anymore, because it always seems like I'm having a crisis. All I've been trying to do for the last four years is be happy and at peace. With no drama. And it seems like the more I try, the more drama I attract.

If I've learned anything over these four years, it's that all I truly need are my kids, friends and family. And to be as close to all of them as possible. Anything else can wait, because it seems anything else is drama and complication. I don't want anything else. I just want some normal. And peace.