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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Realizations.

After four years, I think I've finally realized something pretty important.

I will never get over Matt's death. Never. And it pisses me off - I mean, really, truly angers me deeply, when someone implies that I should be over it. I wouldn't have expected that reaction from myself at this point; especially since I thought that's where I should be at by now, too. But having gotten to this point, I now have an understanding that only those have who have been through a similar experience:

You don't get over it. You get through. 

I'm not saying I will never love another - I'm still open to that possibility someday, but if/when I do, he will not "get me over" losing Matt. He will have to accept that Matt will always be a part of me. A part of our children. A part of our lives. And hold a big part of our hearts. He will have to be patient, understanding, empathetic and kind. And patient. Did I mention patient?

But I am so not in a place in my life right now where I'm willing to invite that "someone" into my heart. I was, but not now. Not for a long time, and I'm completely OK with that. I've finally gotten it through my head that what I need and want in my life are my children, my friends and my family. That's all. And some peace.


5 comments:

linda said...

i have been thinking of you. glad to see you posting again. i don't know what to say except that i am sorry you have to deal with these cards you have been dealt. sucks!!!!! i will continue to pray for you and your kiddos. please go easy on yourself. you have had to endure a tremondous nightmare...and figure out how to put one foot in front of another again. mistakes will happen, but good Lord, forgive yourself, bc most people make worse mistakes with less trauma in their life!! and for those who think you should be over it by now...total bs for them to even think it, let alone speak it!! ridiculous!! that pissed me off when i read it and i don't even know them/you...but seemed cruel and heartless. i unfortunately agree that it will be a lifetime of getting through it, not over it. i will pray for peace and blessings during your endless trial. you seem like an incredible person and mother...and i know matt is so proud!

Dora said...

Everyone grieves differently and if anyone tells you where you SHOULD be in the process of living your life you should feel free to ignore them. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to have them no matter how long it has been.

My dad died in a house fire 7 1/2 years ago, about a month after my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. I will forever be grateful to one of the women (a widow herself) in my mom's church, who pulled my mom aside and told her that it was okay to feel however she felt for however long she felt it. No one going through such a loss needs the additional pressure of dealing with how others expect them to "recover". The only people you are responsible to/for are yourself and your kids.

I pray that as you continue your journey that you are blessed with more laughter than tears, more happiness than sadness, and more love & compassion than judgment.

Michelle said...

My dad died when I was in high school. I realized later that grief is a lot like running...not running a marathon but just running. Just you. You can't outrun grief but you can adjust your pace (everyone sets their own). Most importantly, you do get through it.

Andrea Renee said...

Thank you so much for your sweet comments. They really do help! XOXO

Debbie said...

Andrea,
I have read your blog going on 5 yrs. My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident on 12/19/2008. I will never ever get over his death. Every single day I think of him, miss him with all my heart, soul, and strength.
Getting through...
Debbie