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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Rewind...

Yesterday I found out one of my high school girlfriends lost her husband a couple of weeks ago. I saw it on Facebook, and when I found her status update, I identified instantly with what she's feeling right now. My heart sank to my feet, I felt sick, and all the feelings I felt initially when Matt died came flooding back in an instant. The feeling of wanting to somehow rush back in time to change something that could alter the course of events, the helplessness, despair, agony, shock, anger... If only we didn't live on the opposite ends of the country, I'd rush to her.

Even though I've "been there," I still can't help like I would really like to. I can't bring him back. I can't make it better for her because there is nothing in this world that can. I just hope she's getting a lot of love and support, and that someone is making sure she gets out of bed in the morning and eats. Fortunately, I pretty much had shifts of people taking turns shoving food down my throat when I honestly had no will to eat. Or live, for that matter. If it hadn't been for my kids, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.

I've had some moments the past few months that made me feel like I haven't gotten too far in the two and a half years since Matt died, but when the thoughts and emotions that consumed me in the beginning of my journey flashed back to me after learning of Becky's news, it was then that I realized just how far I've come. That gives me (and hopefully anyone else who is just starting out) some comfort that although the healing is slow, it is actually happening.

I'm having a hard time thinking about much else right now. Becky's heart, her life, her expectations for her future have all been shattered.

Jacob's Father's Day gift...

As I was cleaning the kitchen table from the kids' craft projects, I found a pink paper heart with Jacob's handwriting that said (with exact spelling),

"From: Jacob, Sydney and Andrea
To: dad.
We miss you and love you so so so much and wean we die we hope we will see you. The hole family misses you. So do I, Sydney and Andrea. happy fathers day.
Love: Jacob"

(with three frowning stick figures holding hands at the bottom)

He told me he wants to send it up to heaven with a balloon on Father's Day.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Jacob's Birthday and Mother's Day...

So, this marathon of a funk is finally coming to an end and I'm feeling like I'm seeing the light of day again. Phew! This one has lasted quite a bit longer than normal. I'm not sure why... I'm not gonna analyze right now. I'm just going to revel in the relief.

Jacob's birthday (May 3) was harder than I expected for some reason. I got through most of the day pretty well. Uncle Bryan and Carlos came over and had some ice cream cake with us, and Jacob was SO excited that he turned seven years old. So excited, that he had a hard time falling asleep the night before in anticipation, and was bouncing off the walls all day long on his big day.

Towards the end of the day, a wave hit me hard. I tried my best to keep my composure in front of the kids, but I just couldn't control the sobbing. I'd leave the room, sob, come back and continue our game of checkers (or whatever we were doing at the moment). Lather, rinse, repeat.

My next door neighbor Michele came to my rescue and let me blubber all over her - poor thing. She gave Jacob a dream catcher that her uncle made to help him with his bad dreams. So sweet, and I'm so lucky that even though my other next door neighbors moved (who are awesome and I'm still close to), another wonderful family moved in. We've become great friends quickly like we've known each other for years.

Mother's Day was actually good! The day before, I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered to me from Jacob and Sydney (I still don't know who the mysterious helper is!). Then, my next door neighbor told me to send the kids to her for a few minutes that night (and NOT to ask any questions) and when they came back, they told me not to look while they hid my gift. The next morning, the kids could not WAIT to wake up and give me my gift! (SO sweet, but I didn't have the heart to tell them that a great gift would have been to let me sleep in...) They gave me a very sweet card with a beautiful candle in a gift bag - SO sweet! It brought them a lot of joy to have something to hand me. All those incredibly thoughtful gestures, along with all the love I got from my friends/family through Facebook and my "Gumdrop" sisters (who always come through for me when things get rough) made me feel so loved, which is exactly what I needed.

Mother's Day, the kids and I went to the SPCA again to talk about the kittens we're getting (YAY!!!) and then from there we went to Kidspace which was so much fun for the kids and it got them good and worn out. It was a good day.