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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Rewind...

Yesterday I found out one of my high school girlfriends lost her husband a couple of weeks ago. I saw it on Facebook, and when I found her status update, I identified instantly with what she's feeling right now. My heart sank to my feet, I felt sick, and all the feelings I felt initially when Matt died came flooding back in an instant. The feeling of wanting to somehow rush back in time to change something that could alter the course of events, the helplessness, despair, agony, shock, anger... If only we didn't live on the opposite ends of the country, I'd rush to her.

Even though I've "been there," I still can't help like I would really like to. I can't bring him back. I can't make it better for her because there is nothing in this world that can. I just hope she's getting a lot of love and support, and that someone is making sure she gets out of bed in the morning and eats. Fortunately, I pretty much had shifts of people taking turns shoving food down my throat when I honestly had no will to eat. Or live, for that matter. If it hadn't been for my kids, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.

I've had some moments the past few months that made me feel like I haven't gotten too far in the two and a half years since Matt died, but when the thoughts and emotions that consumed me in the beginning of my journey flashed back to me after learning of Becky's news, it was then that I realized just how far I've come. That gives me (and hopefully anyone else who is just starting out) some comfort that although the healing is slow, it is actually happening.

I'm having a hard time thinking about much else right now. Becky's heart, her life, her expectations for her future have all been shattered.

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