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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Ugh.

Sydney has "magic powers" that allow her to see Daddy.

She role plays with Jacob and tells him, "Let's play mommy, daddy and baby! You be the daddy..."

Just yesterday, she called me "Mutha." Matt used to call his mom "Mutha." Could not believe my ears - she said it just the way he used to. Reminded me of when she called her pigtails "happy head." Matt used to call our friend Cy's hair "happy hair" when he'd let it grow longer because it seems to grow up and out rather than down and long. One of the first times I put Sydney's hair in pigtails, she looked in the mirror and called it "happy head."

It's really amazing the ways Matt comes out in his kids. If someone would have told me these things, I don't think I would have believed them unless I experienced them for myself.

Jacob lovingly prunes the Sycamore tree we planted in the front yard in Matt's honor by picking the dead leaves off of it, and putting flowers on it from the bush that conceals our front window. He and Sydney call it "flowers for daddy."

Yesterday, Jacob was holding a jelly bean between his fingers and squeezed it. He showed me and said, "Is this how daddy's heart broke? Like this?" I explained to him that the heart is a muscle and there are tubes called arteries that are connected to it that help the blood pump from the heart into the rest of the body. The accident made one of his arteries break off of his heart, but that's only one of the boo boos he got. Technically, Matt's entire torso was compressed, so he actually could be right.

Sydney was talking over the fence to our neighbor and proceeded to explain something about her daddy. Normally I would intervene and help cushion the awkwardness for the recipient of this uncomfortable information, but I didn't. Instead, I turned and walked into the house. I was cooking dinner and just didn't want to deal with it.

I was making pancakes for the kids this morning, and as I stood by the stove, I could vividly picture Matt holding the frying pan with one hand and flipping his eggs in one smooth motion. I thought to myself, "I need a distraction" and then the song "Arms of the Angel" pops into my head because of that one line, "I need some distraction..." which causes me to further spiral into grief. UGH!

As I type, Sydney is drawing a picture for daddy.

This is the kind of thing that goes on daily. It's comforting on some level, but at the same time, hurts. Right now, I'm not in a place emotionally where I can handle it. I'm just raw.

I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me that I'm such a wreck lately. One factor could be the approach of Easter. Matt never got to spend an Easter with his daughter. He had to work (at his new job) on Easter Sunday - Sydney's first Easter, and couldn't be there when they woke up to find their baskets. The feelings I had that morning are similar to the ones I have now.

I'm finding myself wallowing in all of it, and I'm wondering at what point is it healthy to let myself feel it versus making myself crazy? I can see that I'm pushing everyone and everything away right now, and I'm trying to correct that. I'm tired of analyzing this shit, too. I'm just tired, and on top of it, I have bronchitis that my doctors don't think requires antibiotics. How sick do I need to be before they think it's appropriate to start meds? Don't they realize I need to function well enough to care for two little kids and a house?

There's a part of me that also thinks that on some level, I have a sense of entitlement just because I'm widowed and a single parent. Like, no one should be hurtful to me or challenge me to cause me pain or stress, or do the same to my kids. Like, life should make some sort of exception for us considering all we're already enduring. HA! I know life doesn't work that way. Especially since there are people out there who still have living spouses and parents, and have it worse. Also, being the control freak I am, I'm feeling particularly insane right now because there is nothing that seems to be within my control - including my own emotions.

I'll write about something positive soon, I promise (like the wonderful break I had a couple of weeks ago that I should be reveling in!).

3 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

Sending you one giant hug, Andrea. When it all feels overwhelming in my life and I get caught in the negative spiral I just let myself hit the bottom so I can get my feet on the ground and start crawling out, one step at a time. It's hard, it sucks, it's not fair and it's not what we signed up for. It's ok to be pissed off and sad and overwhelmed, in cycles. That being said, if it feels overwhelming for a long time and your feet never seem to get to touch the ground, talk to a professional. Depression can sneak up on us without warning and overpower us. I hope that once Easter is over, you're able to get your footing.

Hugs and love to you,
Debbie

Cliff Fazzolari said...

Andrea...the pain, the love, the memories are all part of keeping Matt alive until you see him again. There is no separation...won't ever be. Matt will stay alive in your hearts and although that is horribly painful on most days...it can be comforting on some days. I am with you on this! Stay strong. Whistle through the pain. We are all right here!

Anonymous said...

I know this is going to sound weird but, use garlic for your bronchitis. Smash a clove, and swallow the pieces with tea (don't chew them). Do this at least three times a day for at least three days (more and longer if you think you need to). It Works!!!
God bless all three of you!