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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Losing ground...

WARNING: Lots of whining and complaining contained in this post.

A decent portion of the time, I feel like I'm handling my responsibilities relatively well. It was only maybe a week and a half ago I was feeling like I was caught up with everything and maybe staying a little ahead of the game. About three days after that rare and wonderful feeling, it unravelled. Rapidly. I'm failing at everything.

My house is filthy, the dirty laundry is out of hand, dishes are piled up, I'm behind on my project for Soaring Spirits, my mail for the past month is in three messy piles on my dining room table (I can't remember the last time I saw the entire surface of that table), and I still haven't taken any steps to get my taxes done. Yet, I have managed to make an appointment to get new internet service, and I'm writing this post from my new Mac. At least I don't have the frustration of working with a computer that, even after getting the viruses cleared out, still would freeze up and worked at a snail's pace when it did decide to work.

I'm behind with everything, and I keep saying that when I'm caught up, that's when I'll sit down and update my blog. However, I have a strong feeling that if I waited for that to happen, I'd never write another post, so here I am.

It's pretty bad when your six year old son even asks when you're gonna clean the tub, or when I'm gonna do the laundry so he has some clean pajamas, or when I'm gonna do this or do that... What was my response to my sweet little boy? I told him I didn't need another husband, thankyouverymuch. Especially when my husband didn't even grill me like that (not that he had to - I kept up well with all that stuff when he was around, and what I didn't do, he did without batting an eye. I was lucky).

I actually don't mind doing everything myself. I'm kind of a control freak anyway, so it fits well with my personality I suppose. It's just that there's not enough time in a day, and not enough energy in my body. On top of that, I suspect I've started peri-menopause, which given all the symptoms I've been having, is a logical answer. Fatigue, crazy emotions, foggy-brained, hot flashes, and migraine headaches that I've been getting recently. When I looked into the headaches, the description I found for the particular migraine I've been getting fit me to a T, and the description also happened to mention that they are somewhat rare, but are more common in women going through peri-menopause. Of course, I would get even the obscure symptoms of this lovely stage of life. And, this stage can last anywhere from two to ten years before hitting full-blown menopause. My sister is on year eight - she was about my age when hers started.

It seems like I'm not the only one feeling unravelled lately... Everyone who I've talked to who I'm close to has been feeling the same way. Is it the moon? Apparently it's the first time in about 18-20 years that the combination of a full moon plus it's close proximity to the Earth has occurred. The earthquakes, tsunamis... something big is happening. Is that responsible for all the uneasy, disconnected, stressed-out, manic feelings? And WHY can't the U.S. just keep their noses out of everyone else's business and focus on taking care of the people in their OWN country?? Our system needs some major overhauling, but we're so focused on everyone else's problems that we're not taking care of our own right here.

All I know is I have to get my ass in gear and get through this pile of mail, laundry, dishes, clean out the bunny cage, call AT&T and see if they're going to install a wireless router when they come here Wednesday, call Charter to let them know I'm dumping them, call my allergist to let him know I'm not going forward with the allergy shots (after going through years and years of this in Buffalo, I just can't bring myself to start this again), make emergency earthquake kits for the kids and I, get a Microsoft Office program installed on my computer, and answer emails... This doesn't even count all the emotional shit I deal with on a daily basis (which I'd like to think I usually have a good handle on, too). Everything feels overwhelming and I can't keep up. I just want to sleep.

Oh - does anyone want a computer armoire? It's still sitting in the back of my van. It was nearly impossible to get it in there in the first place for the (cancelled) yard sale for the school, and I can't bring myself to get it back out, only to have to put it back in there again. Maybe I'll just try selling it on Craigslist again. Another thing to add to my To Do list.

I'm just overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...................................................


Jay Cosnett said...

Gawd, Andrea, I am SO there with you. It seems too that if I'm more caught up in some areas (dishes, laundry) that I'm even more broken-down than usual in others (yard, blog, clutter).

You made me laugh when you said you don't really mind doing it all yourself (control freak). Sounds like you and Julie had a lot in common. ;-)

Take care,


Boo said...

I feel guilty but will admit I felt such relief on reading that I'm not the only one with a filthy house and a huge to do list.

The f'ing list just makes me listless xx

Cordially Invited said...

WOW!!! i could not have written this post any differently!! I have the same chores and almost the same to do list staring at me everyday - top that with managing a store....
(this post really hit - as i am a regular reader of your blog - but have never commented - just really wanted to let you know that You are Not Alone ( sung in my best MJ voice) Keeo your head up!!

OnMyOwn2Feet said...

Andrea, hang in there! I've been reading your blog for some time now. You're doing an excellent job. You just have to take it one day at a time. At least your mac is working. Just had my shipped off for repairs. If you do get Microsoft Office installed on your computer, would you mind emailing me and letting me know how you did it? I would appreciate it tremendously. -Abby

Cheryl said...

Amen on the list of things that never goes away. Just when I think I'm making progress, I look in another place and then I'm back at square one. Also with regards to the perimenopause thing, I had a lot of those symptoms as well, and I have one of the rare symptoms of basically morning sickness every month or so when the hormones shift. I'm glad I'm not the only one with one of the weird effects.