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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

February 15

Tuesday morning, Jacob and Sydney were both very emotional and clingy, and I had a hard time getting them to let go of me to go to school. Several reasons for this I'm sure - first, they were totally loaded with sugar the day before from all the candy they got at school and brought home. Second, I was in a rotten mood because my computer had a virus and all my pictures on my hard drive were threatened. Of course, I hadn't backed them up yet - that was something I had intended to get to but didn't make the time to figure it out. Plus, just being without internet access (other than through my phone) was making me twitchy, and I couldn't get the work done that I needed to for SSLF. Oh, and it was the aftermath of Valentine's Day.

That afternoon, I went to pick up Jacob from his after school program and a few of his friends were hanging out with him. He got more goodies for Valentines day, and I don't remember what brought up the topic, but one of his friends asked something like, "Is your dad coming? Why can't your dad come?" Jacob ignored the question and threw himself more into his goody bag, so I answered for him and told his friend that his dad can't come because he's not alive anymore. His friend said, "Oh, that's so sad."

That evening, it was bed time and I had tucked the kids in. I went to bed early, too, to put as fast of an end to that miserable day as I could, and a little while later I heard Jacob whimpering in his room. I went in there, and he was crying hard, but trying to be quiet about it. My poor little love. I asked him what's wrong, and he said, "I miss Daddy so much!" This is only the second or third time (that I know of) that he full-out cried about missing Matt.

There's nothing I can do to fix this for him. There's nothing anyone can do to fix this. So I held him tight and we cried ourselves to sleep.


Michele Neff Hernandez said...

The best and only thing you can do is hold him and allow him his tears. Jacob and Sydney are very lucky to have you as a mommy. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

This breaks my heart! I've been a reader for a long time and I just can't imagine what you go thru on a daily basis. Just know there are many, many strangers that think of you and the kids so often. Prayers for you all!

andrea from raisin peanut said...

Hi there Andrea.... I just found your blog. I have a Matt too... and my name is Andrea. :) Come visit my blog if you like as well. I'm going thru a loss too. Mine is a separation. My Matt left too, only we have a chance to be back together some day. I hope for that. But I feel completely rejected right now. He left us.

Anyway, I really just wanted to leave you words of encouragement. I am so so soooo sorry for your loss. It hurts to hear how your son hurts. I'm so sorry. You're an amzing mother, from what I've read. I support what you're doing... It is not always easy!

I will check in often. As the Anonymous commenter said, there are many many strangers pulling for you. I am one of them.

Hugs to you and your cute family.