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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thankful...

Constantly reaping the rewards of parenting these incredible kids, and so thankful that I have the ability to appreciate and recognize it.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Things my kids say...

Sydney: "It was an accidink" instead of "accident."

Jacob: Instead of "tomorrow night" he says, "Tomorrow's night" ; instead of "last night," it's "yesterday's night, and instead of "tonight," it's "today's night." It's so 18th Century romantic.

Jacob woke up this morning and told me he dreamed about Daddy and all the things they did together in town. I always get excited when Jacob tells me he dreams about Matt, but it was especially exciting this morning because I felt him around us yesterday. It kind of confirmed for me that when I feel him near us, he really IS near us. I LOVE that.

Yesterday during dinner, the kids were talking about whether or not Matt would have liked the lamb chops... I said he might have, and then Sydney said, "If my daddy was alive and ate one, he might like it, but he's dead." She's said something else recently along the same lines, and that indicates to me that she's starting to grasp the concept of why he's absent from our lives. Before, she was always asking me where he is, and where everyone else's daddies are. It could be a temporary understanding, but from what I've read, that's pretty advanced for a three year old.

Yesterday, I had to explain to their teachers that their father passed away. Sydney's preschool has a "family unit" coming up, and Miss Jessica needed to be aware of her situation. I have to bring in a family picture for her class. Do I bring one in where she's less than 18 months old, which is when the last family picture was taken of all four of us? Or a picture of just her, Jacob and I?

I told Jacob's teacher for similar reasons, and also so she doesn't think he's lying when he blurts out that his daddy is dead.

In one month from today, it's gonna be two years already. This sucks.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Lessons from a donkey...

I just read this from my friend Cliff's blog... I found it inspiring.

Lesson from a Donkey


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an old, dry well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, totally frustrated, he decided the animal was old, the well to deep and as it needed to be covered up anyway it just wasn't worth it to continue to try to retrieve the donkey.

So after explaining his plight to his neighbors the farmer asked them to come over and help him take care of the unique situation.

Sympathetic to his dilemma they all grabbed their shovel and began to pitch dirt into the deep well.

At first the donkey, when he realized what was happening, brayed horribly. It was quite upsetting to listen to...then to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few hours later, for this was a very deep well, the farmer finally looked into its depths. What he saw astonished him!

Wth each shovel of dirt that was pitched over the well's wall it fell on the donkey's back.

The donkey realized that this was his way out and instead of braying he concentrated on shaking the dirt off of his back and stepping onto the raised surface underneath his hooves.

When the farmer told his neighbors what the donkey was doing their spirits lifted and they shoveled dirt into the well as fast as they could. Each time this was done the donkey would shake the dirt off and step up.

Within a few hours the happy donkey was high enough within the well that he stepped out of the well onto level ground, walking away from what had seemed an impossible challenge without any practical resolution.

~~Author Unknown

Monday, October 4, 2010

Unwritten.

There's so much to say, yet I can't (or maybe just choose not to) put it into words. Normally they flow out of my fingertips so easily, and I usually find I NEED to write in order to be able to sleep at night since it's getting the words, phrases, ideas and images out of my head and into type that seems to clear my mind.

Lately, I've been in limbo - somewhere between heaven and hell - and I keep flipping back and forth between the two, moment to moment. It's the best way to describe "where" I am right now, even though I'm pretty sure I don't believe in heaven and hell as a physical location anymore. I tend to believe it's more like a "state of being." Hmmm... that could be something to write about, huh?

Right now, I just don't have the urge or desire to write about what's going on. Some things are best left unsaid. I'm learning and living.