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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

This weekend...

It feels SO fresh lately. The pain is indescribable. I feel like a worm on a hook again - writhing in agony, the hook piercing through my entire body, hitting every nerve. I miss you more than words can describe. I do a great job suppressing these emotions for a while, then they resurface and become beyond my control. Maybe it was seeing the family, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's our growing kids and their ability to better articulate their grief. Maybe it's just all of the above, combined with a serious case of PMS. Whatever it is, it HURTS. Bad.

The kids and I had a great time with the family for Thanksgiving weekend. Got to Greg's Wednesday night, had Thanksgiving Thursday, Friday we celebrated Christmas, Saturday was New Years' Eve and Heather's Sweet 16, and came home this morning. Your mom is unbelievable. She put all of it together - made all the plans and prepared all the food. Wendell was pretty instrumental in it all, too.... Your mom made Jacob the most gorgeous American flag fleece blanket for Christmas that he totally flipped out over. You should have seen his face when he opened the box - as soon as he got the box open and saw enough of the blanket to recognize it, his face beamed, dropped it and ran to your mom to hug her. He's the most grateful and appreciative kid on the face of the Earth. Well, maybe not the ONLY one... Heather was pretty floored by her surprise party Saturday night, and appreciated every little part of it.

It was SO hard not having you there. For everyone. Each one of us felt your absence painfully. Your brothers lit one of Heather's candles on your behalf. Brandi and I really bonded for the first time I think ever. We all launched more balloons with notes written on them for you. This time, we attached a glow necklace to it (like one of those fluorescent plastic ones that are popular during New Years or the 4th of July...). We were imagining drivers on the freeway catching a glimpse of it (since that was the only part of it that was visible in the night sky) and thinking it was a UFO or something and causing an accident which triggered all of our sick senses of humor and resulted in fits of laughter. I envisioned that one episode of Six Feet Under we watched together where the lady got into an accident from seeing a blow up doll floating up into the sky (I think that's what it was -it's been several years since that episode, but I bought the whole series, so I'll eventually get my memory refreshed).

Lots more to tell from this weekend, but I'm willing to bet you were there with us watching it all, putting in your two cents unbeknown to us... At least I'd like to believe so.


Mama_Bear_Sarah said...


Boo said...

It's so hard ... the darker nights, the holidays coming, yep it's fresher, raw again.

And we are reminded once more, that the beast that calls itself grief is not linear.

Hugs Andrea xx

Kate @ BigGirl + LittleGirl said...

Andrea, I found your blog through Matt Logelin's... and I'm glad I am. It helps to find people who can understand.