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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Unwritten.

There's so much to say, yet I can't (or maybe just choose not to) put it into words. Normally they flow out of my fingertips so easily, and I usually find I NEED to write in order to be able to sleep at night since it's getting the words, phrases, ideas and images out of my head and into type that seems to clear my mind.

Lately, I've been in limbo - somewhere between heaven and hell - and I keep flipping back and forth between the two, moment to moment. It's the best way to describe "where" I am right now, even though I'm pretty sure I don't believe in heaven and hell as a physical location anymore. I tend to believe it's more like a "state of being." Hmmm... that could be something to write about, huh?

Right now, I just don't have the urge or desire to write about what's going on. Some things are best left unsaid. I'm learning and living.

4 comments:

Boo said...

live and learn.

live and learn.

Amazing how they are still teaching us, even though they are dead ...

Anonymous said...

Andrea,
You are a gifted writer. Not only do your words comfort yourself but many others in the same situation.

I’m sorry for you- for what happened in your life that caused such pain and confusion. I’m sorry for all of us who were chosen to be burdened with that pain in our lives. I am, however, an unlikely survivor of “widowhood”. Only because, quite by accident several years ago, I woke up crying uncontrollably one day and discovered—This is my life. Good or bad, it was given to me by God and my parents. It was mine to live rolled up in a ball crying or, mine to live happy in. Ditto on my body…It was mine to neglect or mine to use experiencing all that life had to offer.

Like you, step one--I packed my bags and left town…then started being the best Dad I could be. Became a friend and teacher to my daughter…guided her into adulthood and eventually set her free to live her own life. I fumbled back into the inevitable end to loneliness and tried out my rusty personal social skills…then found myself sharing my body again. (I now have a mental library of personally embarrassing and stupidly funny back-to-dating and sex-stories!) Then, after 18 years of respecting the one true love in life commitment to my late wife, fell in love again and remarried—and found out just how difficult it is to live life twice-in-love at the same time.

Andrea, this is your life, given to you by God and your parents. It is yours to live in whatever way you choose. Your body, the same—given to you by God and your parents. They trusted you to use it, care for it, and, if you choose, share it as well. Like everyone else on this planet, you have a right to be happy. You are entitled to be happy. Entitled to live a full and complete life.

Thank you for letting us watch you set the example for learning to live with the pain and confusion after losing life’s partner. Thank you for being the inspiration for many of us who, just like you, keep asking the question-“Why?”-but never get the answer. Thank you also for setting the standard for parenting. And, thank you for continuing to write and share here because it helps fulfill my increasingly happy life.

Maria Delgado said...

Just stumbled accross your blog. Your words are beautiful.

Maria

http://mariasculinaryadventures.blogspot.com/

Jan said...

I read your blog, and am one of the many people you don't know who care about you and your family. I hope you feel like writing soon.