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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Next...

I just about had time enough to unpack from the last trip and pack for this one (still packing, actually) and we leave the house at 5am tomorrow morning for our flight to Buffalo. First time back since we moved a year ago this month. It seems like an entire lifetime ago.

This is a loaded trip in so many ways. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and think about the many wonderful reasons why it's gonna be great and focus on that. I'm wearing Matt's wedding band on a necklace around my neck again because I need him with me more than ever right now. I never took it off from the time he died until somewhat recently when I've finally been able to bring myself to accessorize with other necklaces that have been gathering dust. Then putting it back on after taking a brief hiatus from it made me feel like I'm wearing my grief on display. Now I wear it just when I really need to, and I really need to right now.

I know the hardest thing about going back is feeling like he should be with us in our hometown, in the places we used to go, hanging out with our friends and family, in the home that's no longer ours. I have a lot to look forward to, though. Seeing our family and friends after a whole year, pizza, wings, Sahlen's hot dogs, fresh picked sweet corn from Matt's aunt and uncle's farm, blueberry picking (the kind where you end up with literally BUCKETS of sweet, plump blueberries), and the awesome home-cooking from family I've missed so much.

Jacob is so excited to be going back, and his enthusiasm is rubbing off on his little sister. He's also looking forward to not just seeing everyone, but running in the 5K for his daddy, and going to the places we used to go with Matt.

There's another little side trip within this trip that I can't even believe is happening - check it out here... I'm so excited and honored to be able to help spread the word (on national TV in front of a live studio audience- holy crap!!) about something that has made such a huge, positive impact on my life after Matt died. And as an added bonus, I get to check out Manhattan for the first time with some widda buds! It's embarrassing to admit that although I've lived my entire life in Upstate New York (except for the past year), I've never been to New York City. Except my brother just informed me this afternoon that I was there once before, but I was only two at the time. I don't think that counts, though...

I'm going to have a LOT to update by the time I get a chance to write my next post! I just have to remind myself that if I could get to this point a year and nine months after Matt's death, I can get through this next challenge, and survive; especially with the oodles of love from my family and friends - old and new.

6 comments:

Jan said...

Andrea - I wish you the greatest trip ever -- you deserve it!

Boo said...

Andrea, this is going to be a rollercoaster of a trip for you emotionally. I am going to hold you safe in my heart <3 I know that you are going to have some great times and am so proud of you for doing the 5k run and going on TV too (look at YOU!). I could almost taste the fruit that you describe, and visualize it! Have fun in Manhattan - I went there pre- 9/11 and loved it so much. Glad that you have good company to enjoy it with honey.

You know, it's weird because whenever I go on a trip, I have to take Cliff with me in my locket. We carry them in our hearts all the time, but when we travel or need that extra support, it's funny how we have to wear rings or lockets again ...

Love you lots

Suddenwidow said...

Have a great trip, Andrea. I'm sure there will be tough moments (I call them my "gulping moments" these days), but I'm sure there will be plenty of wonderful times too. You're bound to be surrounded by lots of loving memories. And I'm so looking forward to seeing you guys on Mike Huckabee!! What an awesome opportunity! Have fun in the Big Apple. I'll see you on my T.V!

Safe journeys,

Debbie

Glenda said...

Have a great trip. I'm sure it will be bittersweet, but enjoy it! I'm originally from NY born and raised in the BX and go back to Manhattan at least once a year. I love to visit! It's so alive and so much to do! Have fun and can't wait to hear all about it! So amazing that Jacob will be running the 5K in his daddy's honor :( XX

Andrea said...

Andrea,

I stumbled onto your blog awhile back & have felt compelled to read it ever since. Your story has touched me in so many ways. My heart breaks for you and your precious little ones. I am so sorry for the tremendous loss you have experienced. Your pain is so real that I can't help but feel some of it too. I truly admire your strength and your ability to carry on in spite of all that has happened. Even though I don't know you, I can tell you are a wonderful mother - one that your babies are lucky to have. And speaking of your babies, they sound like they're absolute angels. I'm so glad that you have them as well as a wonderful support group to help you during these difficult times. Hold on tightly to them, but particularly your little ones - they will give you continued strength in the years ahead. And so will Matt. He may no longer be with you in person, but he will forever be a part of you and your children's lives. Nothing will ever change that. I hope your current trip will be a source of healing for you. It will no doubt be a tough one but you are a tough cookie who has many people pulling for her. I am one of them. Although no words of mine could possibly ease any of your pain, please know that you are in my thoughts & prayers.

Many blessings to you and your children, now & always. May God be with you <3

Elizabeth said...

Its look like you're bound to be surrounded by lots of loving memories. Thats beautiful!