Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - I was happily distracted most of the day with great friends I've made through Jacob's school, all of our kids, and a gorgeous beach in Santa Monica. Fun, down-to-earth ladies, the kids all played so well together, and just the sound of the waves is relaxing. Jacob was in his glory playing at the edge of the water, running to and from the waves hitting the shore, and Sydney in hers playing in the sand (she can do this for hours and be totally content)... We even got to see a little family of dolphins enjoying the beautiful day, too! God I love living in California.
However, upon returning home, I slipped right back into my uberfunk (I've never even heard that word - is it a word? I just made that up).
Among all the other crap I listed in my last post, THIS post from Widow's Voice, written by my good friend Jackie, describes the other thing that's been weighing crushingly heavy on my heart, and she does it with amazing detail like she crawled inside my heart and my brain. Her timing is amazing, too...
I met a guy recently that I was truly physically attracted to for the first time since Matt, and felt something I haven't felt in a looong time. Something I've been trying to bury, something I'd actually rather not feel because it invites complication and confusion into my life. In allowing myself feel something (which I suppose I'm thankful that I can after all), it also opened me up to not just good feelings, but to not so good ones, like disappointment. Other things I'd rather not feel. Again, I am decidedly not ready. And it makes me sad. And I probably burned a bridge because of it, or maybe I was being smart about it after all - hard to tell when I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from sanity. Either way, my life will continue to be a bit simpler for the time being.
I hate being in this position that I never thought I'd have to deal with ever again. It took me 25 years for me to find Matt, and 29 years for him to find me. God only knows how much longer it'll take (IF it happens) to find someone equally as wonderful, and who can appreciate me for me, who I can trust with me AND my kids (another whole added element to an already challenging feat). I really, really resent being put in this position. Wasn't I thankful and appreciative enough that I was so blessed to have married a man like Matt who fit the bill in every way? I hate this, and I hate this for my friends who are going through the same shit.
Jackie, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at Camp in a couple of weeks sharing our experiences! (I know by then we'll be able to laugh about it - especially over a few drinks!)