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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Uberfunk.

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - I was happily distracted most of the day with great friends I've made through Jacob's school, all of our kids, and a gorgeous beach in Santa Monica. Fun, down-to-earth ladies, the kids all played so well together, and just the sound of the waves is relaxing. Jacob was in his glory playing at the edge of the water, running to and from the waves hitting the shore, and Sydney in hers playing in the sand (she can do this for hours and be totally content)... We even got to see a little family of dolphins enjoying the beautiful day, too! God I love living in California.

However, upon returning home, I slipped right back into my uberfunk (I've never even heard that word - is it a word? I just made that up).

Among all the other crap I listed in my last post, THIS post from Widow's Voice, written by my good friend Jackie, describes the other thing that's been weighing crushingly heavy on my heart, and she does it with amazing detail like she crawled inside my heart and my brain. Her timing is amazing, too...

I met a guy recently that I was truly physically attracted to for the first time since Matt, and felt something I haven't felt in a looong time. Something I've been trying to bury, something I'd actually rather not feel because it invites complication and confusion into my life. In allowing myself feel something (which I suppose I'm thankful that I can after all), it also opened me up to not just good feelings, but to not so good ones, like disappointment. Other things I'd rather not feel. Again, I am decidedly not ready. And it makes me sad. And I probably burned a bridge because of it, or maybe I was being smart about it after all - hard to tell when I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from sanity. Either way, my life will continue to be a bit simpler for the time being.

I hate being in this position that I never thought I'd have to deal with ever again. It took me 25 years for me to find Matt, and 29 years for him to find me. God only knows how much longer it'll take (IF it happens) to find someone equally as wonderful, and who can appreciate me for me, who I can trust with me AND my kids (another whole added element to an already challenging feat). I really, really resent being put in this position. Wasn't I thankful and appreciative enough that I was so blessed to have married a man like Matt who fit the bill in every way? I hate this, and I hate this for my friends who are going through the same shit.

Jackie, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at Camp in a couple of weeks sharing our experiences! (I know by then we'll be able to laugh about it - especially over a few drinks!)

4 comments:

Cadi said...

Sending you good vibes.

I know those "Uberfunk" (I love that word.) times. Going through one of those myself... with the birth coming closer.

For me they come in waves...

Can't get it out of it, just gotta ride it...

Kristin said...

Andrea -
I know these times, too. Just know you aren't alone. I think all of us going through this feels like we're all climbing through each others heads and hearts. Almost everything I read from other widows feels like it could be coming out of my mouth.
Sending extra good vibes your way these days and hope things turn around soon. These waves can be horrible. I hope the tides calm for you and that it passes quickly.

In my thoughts always -
Kristin

Jay Cosnett said...

Oh, Andrea, I *so* know how you feel! But, you know, the thing is, when you think about time, and odds, and how hard it might be to find someone worth risking disappointment for, several people have pointed something out to me:

You are not the same person you were, then. And your ability to be a better partner (after having *been* such a good partner, after having made your marriage work, *and* after weathering loss and grief and being there for your kids through it all), AND to find and choose a better partner for yourself (you know so much more clearly what you want and don't want, what you can put up with and what you *won't*)... all of that not only makes you an insanely great catch (*don't* get me started!), but it also gives you skills and abilities and insights and emotional strengths to completely power through this whole dating thing.

Just remember, YOU are the CHOOSER. They are (or will soon be--trust me) lining up around the block. And you'll be beating them off with sticks. Keep in mind what you must have and what you'd like to have. Don't settle and have fun! All at your own pace.

Like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, so will you, stronger and deeper and so much more because of all that you have done and experienced and survived.

XXX

Heather said...

Like you, I was 25 when I met James; he was 33. I never would have guessed that a short 10 years later I would be looking to date again.

It's not easy. It's confusing. It's hard to go back to the beginning of a new relationship when what you remember is the comfort stage that comes from being with someone for a long time. I hate dating but love being in a relationship. At 36, I can't stand the thought of being alone for the next 50 years. And getting out there and dating is the only way that isn't going to happen. :(