Today SUCKED. For so many reasons.
Not only have I been bombarded lately with the reality (more than ever before) that Matt's gone and not coming back, but my inability to be lighthearted and present with my kids lately is seriously adversely affecting my behavior, and as a result, theirs.
We just "celebrated" Matt's 41st birthday without him. Our wedding anniversary is coming up in six days. In less than a month, it'll be twelve years that we would have been together. I'm going back to Buffalo soon to face for the first time what I ran away from - my former life without Matt. I've been up and down like a yo yo (more than usual), and it's freaking exhausting and making me wonder if I really am losing my mind after all. Plus, Jacob is hitting another developmental milestone of processing Matt's death, which has resulted in twenty questions for me today. Between my absence of patience lately, processing my own crap and dealing with the aftermath of the above with my kids, I'm just not mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with the questions.
Let's see if I can remember them all from just today... (from Jacob):
1 - "Mommy, tell us the story of how our daddy died again." I asked him if I could at least finish eating before getting into it since it's an instant appetite suppressant for me. No such luck. How do I explain to him with his advancing understanding, but in front of his barely three year old sister?? Kept it basic.
2 - "They should have had some kind of vent on the pipe." (this, coming from my six year old, who hasn't been to college, is not an engineer, etc. - even he knows better.
3 - "My dream has 835 thousand words - I can't tell you them all." (Jacob, telling me he had a dream of how Daddy died, but it's too long and "was too many days long" to be able to tell me during dinner, even though I told him I've got plenty of time and he can talk to me all day long).
4 - "The grave should be as big as Daddy." Did I mention Jacob wants to dig a grave for Matt? I explained to him the difference between a grave and a memorial garden. He still wants a grave in the back yard, even though yesterday we planted a Sycamore and flowers in our front yard in honor of Daddy. Um, I had a hell of a time digging the hole for the Sycamore tree in the front yard - 18 inches deep and about two feet wide in hard soil to fit the thick plastic sheath (root guard) in there so the roots don't grow into the pipes- it forces them downward instead. I need to dig a hole over 6'4" to fit Daddy who doesn't even have a body anymore?? Our back yard is not that big to fit that, plus everything else that's already in there.Which brings me to Jacob's next question,
5 - " How does Daddy's spirit float up into outer space?" This was tricky - he's got an image in his mind of this, and no explanation I gave him was sufficient.
There were one or two more questions/comments, but I don't remember now (the red wine might be fogging my brain a bit, fortunately). Now that all three of us have been accepted by Kaiser Permanente for heath insurance which beats Anthem Blue by a mile, I'm also going to start looking for a (male) therapist for Jacob that maybe he'll feel comfortable opening up to. I might consider finding one for myself (a therapist, that is), although I am seriously doubtful that there is anything they could say to help. It's just all stuff I have to work through, and it's just gonna take time. For me, writing is my therapy, and reaching out to a vast network of peers through Facebook. Thank goodness for technology.
THIS is (mostly) why my Facebook status said "FML" today... I'm so glad today is over with. Hoping for a better tomorrow.