Last night was the first night Jacob cried about Matt's death. It's been over a year and a half. I know it's healthy - it's part of growing and grieving. It made me sad that my poor sweet little love has to go through this, and angry that the one person who can back me up is the very person that we're missing. I am a little relieved that he's able to express his grief in another way. And, in a way that *I* can understand.
His nightmares must have taken a turn for the worse since he didn't want to go to sleep last night without me. As I laid with him until he fell asleep, I prayed that he would have sweet dreams, and asked Matt to please come into his dream and give him a good one.
Tonight, Jacob told me a little bit about a dream he had last night. He was racing on a dirt bike, on a dirt trail, and he said "we" had to pass a bunch of train engines on the way to the finish. I asked him "who's we," and he said, "me and Daddy." He was on a dirt bike, too. Jacob won the race, and he won a trophy *THIS* big! I asked him if they were on separate bikes or if he was on the bike with him. He said they were on separate bikes.
Fast forward to tucking Jacob in tonight...Jacob said, "Guess what I'm dreaming about now?" I tried to make light of it (since he had the same look on his face that he did last night before he burst into tears) by saying, "You can't dream if you're not asleep!" and after an exasperated "Mawwmmm," I continued: "Are you dreaming of being a zoo keeper? A monkey? A dirt bike racer?" He wanted me to guess again.
"Daddy died" he said with his chin quivering. Two words that a child should never have to utter in the same sentence. I gave him a hug, and started right in with, "Was daddy ahead of you, behind you or next to you in your race?" He was next to him, until he jumped OVER Jacob!! I was SO thrilled to hear this part, because that is TOTALLY something Matt would do. Then, Jacob proceeded to describe how Matt pressed the lever with his foot, and then pressed the other lever with his other foot and the engine went VROOM VROOM so that he could make more dust. Another thing Matt would totally do! I got so excited to hear these descriptions that are SO Matt all the way, because it made me believe that Matt did actually listen and come into Jacob's dream and gave him not just a good dream, but a GREAT one!! Any fear and sadness Jacob had was completely dismissed and replaced with sharing in my excitement with a big broad smile.
Thank you, My Love!! Even in death you're coming through for me...