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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Reclaiming some sanity...

My wonderful brother took the kids one day for me while I got caught up on some stuff... I got SO much accomplished! I've been feeling frazzled, stressed out, sad, you name it. On the edge. I made it through Matt's birthday, our wedding anniversary on the 27th and everything in between by the skin of my teeth and just needed a breather. 

I debated on getting a pedicure or some other pampering treat for myself for the day my brother had the kids, but decided for my sanity, and for my kids' sakes, it would be best for me to attend to things that have been looming over my head. For example, registering for the 5K in my husband's honor. Booking the hotel room for that weekend. Confirming that the car rental really is going to include a car seat. Paying bills. Doing a little Soaring Spirits work. Laundry. Cleaning. Accomplishing all that felt as good (or better) than pampering, and saved myself a few bucks, too! While I did all that, Jacob and Sydney were having a great time with Uncle Bryan, as they usually do. Thank you, Bryan!
Also, thank you to the oodles of thoughtful friends and family who gave me so much love and support on what would have been our eighth wedding anniversary. I did my best to focus on being thankful for having Matt in my life in the first place, and even getting to marry the love of my life and have his children, but it's a real challenge to not have the feelings of being completely ripped off trump any positive thoughts. 

For as unlucky as I am to have lost my favorite man in the whole world, I'm very fortunate in nearly every other aspect of my life - including having so many wonderful people who care about us so much.

Right now,  I'm focused on getting ready for the kids and I to travel to Arizona to visit with more of Matt's family. Then I'll be leaving them with his parents while I drive down to San Diego for Camp Widow. I'm SO looking forward to a fun weekend with my widowed peeps, and of lessened responsibilities - although I'm somehow already missing my kids just anticipating being away from them for so long!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Good dream for Jacob!

Last night was the first night Jacob cried about Matt's death. It's been over a year and a half. I know it's healthy - it's part of growing and grieving. It made me sad that my poor sweet little love has to go through this, and angry that the one person who can back me up is the very person that we're missing. I am a little relieved that he's able to express his grief in another way. And, in a way that *I* can understand.

Friday, July 23, 2010


Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - I was happily distracted most of the day with great friends I've made through Jacob's school, all of our kids, and a gorgeous beach in Santa Monica. Fun, down-to-earth ladies, the kids all played so well together, and just the sound of the waves is relaxing. Jacob was in his glory playing at the edge of the water, running to and from the waves hitting the shore, and Sydney in hers playing in the sand (she can do this for hours and be totally content)... We even got to see a little family of dolphins enjoying the beautiful day, too! God I love living in California.

However, upon returning home, I slipped right back into my uberfunk (I've never even heard that word - is it a word? I just made that up).

Among all the other crap I listed in my last post, THIS post from Widow's Voice, written by my good friend Jackie, describes the other thing that's been weighing crushingly heavy on my heart, and she does it with amazing detail like she crawled inside my heart and my brain. Her timing is amazing, too...

I met a guy recently that I was truly physically attracted to for the first time since Matt, and felt something I haven't felt in a looong time. Something I've been trying to bury, something I'd actually rather not feel because it invites complication and confusion into my life. In allowing myself feel something (which I suppose I'm thankful that I can after all), it also opened me up to not just good feelings, but to not so good ones, like disappointment. Other things I'd rather not feel. Again, I am decidedly not ready. And it makes me sad. And I probably burned a bridge because of it, or maybe I was being smart about it after all - hard to tell when I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from sanity. Either way, my life will continue to be a bit simpler for the time being.

I hate being in this position that I never thought I'd have to deal with ever again. It took me 25 years for me to find Matt, and 29 years for him to find me. God only knows how much longer it'll take (IF it happens) to find someone equally as wonderful, and who can appreciate me for me, who I can trust with me AND my kids (another whole added element to an already challenging feat). I really, really resent being put in this position. Wasn't I thankful and appreciative enough that I was so blessed to have married a man like Matt who fit the bill in every way? I hate this, and I hate this for my friends who are going through the same shit.

Jackie, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at Camp in a couple of weeks sharing our experiences! (I know by then we'll be able to laugh about it - especially over a few drinks!)


Today SUCKED. For so many reasons.

Not only have I been bombarded lately with the reality (more than ever before) that Matt's gone and not coming back, but my inability to be lighthearted and present with my kids lately is seriously adversely affecting my behavior, and as a result, theirs.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Finding a balance...

I can tell I must be moving in some direction, hitting another sort of stage... in transition again. But heck - that's what life is all about, right? Just a bunch of transitions.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Matt's birthday...

Last weekend was a birthday filled weekend for the Rows... it was Matt's oldest brother Greg's birthday, then Greg's son Josh who turned 21 (already - hard to believe!!!) and then Matt's on the 11th. They were originally going to have a big celebration in Vegas for Josh, but the plans changed and the celebration was to happen in San Diego. I'm SO relieved they did that because it then made it possible for the kids and I to participate. Living on this coast now, I absolutely LOVE being able to get in a vehicle and drive to see them!!

Friday night was our traditional dinner at La Palapas (awesome Mexican food), and then Saturday was Josh's big bash. The kids were being brutally ornery, so Matt's parents decided to take them back to Greg's house and leave me at the party so I could relax and have a good time. God bless them. I almost didn't stay and was going to bring the kids home myself, but my mother-in-law told me (very sternly) that if I was to leave, she'd be very upset with me, and that I was to stay and have a good time, dammit! I'm really glad I decided to listen to her, for lots of reasons...

The next day, we launched a bunch of helium balloons up to Matt. We all wrote notes on the balloons, and the kids and I filled out a card for daddy.

A little backstory on this... For Jacob's birthday this year, I brought cupcakes to school for him and his kindergarten class. I also brought the bunch of balloons I got for him since they really give the birthday feel, and Jacob really wanted them there. There were a bunch of latex helium balloons, and one mylar balloon. The kids ate the cupcakes outside during recess, and then played on the playground. Some of the kids had taken the balloons and were tossing them around. Eventually, the mylar balloon got loose and took off into the sky.

Jacob was swinging on the swing set in the playground, smiling away and having a blast, watching his classmates joyfully celebrate his birthday.  When I saw the mylar balloon take off, I thought "oh boy- here we go." I looked over at Jacob who didn't notice it right away, but as soon as he did, the smile fell away from his face. I ran over to him to do some damage control...

ME: "Hey, Jacob!! Check it out! Your balloon is going up to to Heaven to let Daddy know we're celebrating your birthday with your class down here!"

JACOB: His face instantly lit up again: "COOL!!! Awww, too bad we didn't attach a note to it for him!"

ME: "That's an awesome idea, my little love!!! What we'll do for Daddy's birthday is send a balloon up to him, but we'll make sure it has a note attached to it then."

He was thrilled, I was happy and relieved, and all was well. Phew!

We followed through with our plan. In combination with Matt's family, we all sent up balloons to honor Matt for his birthday, and let him know we were celebrating the day he was born, 41 years ago that day.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Conversation between Jacob and Sydney just now:

SYDNEY: "Jacob, I hear my daddy."

JACOB: "In your heart?"

SYDNEY: "Yeah!"

(me from the next room - "What did he say??")

SYDNEY: "He said, I love you, Sydney- and he said he loves you, too, Jacob."

WOW..... =)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Returning to the scene of the crime...

Everyone keeps asking me, "when are you going back to Buffalo?" I keep saying, "August" since August 22nd is when the 5K is taking place in Matt's honor, but I still haven't made reservations for the kids and I. Normally when anticipating a trip, I can't wait to book the flight and make arrangements, but for some reason, I've been procrastinating this one something awful. Next month. It's just around the corner, and I have yet to make any concrete plans.

Again, acting as my own shrink, I've taken it upon myself to analyze the situation, and I haven't had to delve too deeply to come up with the answer...