As good as I feel about what direction I'm taking now, I still have so many tough moments that come out of nowhere. Today, for instance, I've been fighting back tears all day.
Every little thing is setting me off - looking at my kids and seeing how much they've grown the past year. It's insane how much they've changed - how much they're growing and maturing. How much Matt has missed out on. How much we're missing out without him here. His birthday and our wedding anniversary are coming up. I've woken two nights in a row from nightmares. Last night's had me sobbing in my sleep. I'm mourning his death even in my sleep. WHY can't I dream about him being ALIVE??? I'm sure all this in combination isn't helping.
I have my computer's screensaver set to have pictures come up from my hard drive. You'd think by now I'd be somewhat desensitized from seeing Matt's pictures on there every day, but for some reason, it was hitting me hard today. How handsome he was. How involved he was with our children, and with me. All the things we did as a family. Most of it before Sydney was born. And the fact that I'm thinking of him and talking about him in the past tense still has me floored. To think he's not part of my present and future chokes me. It actually makes it hard to breathe, and I have to remind myself. Breathe.
I was giving the kids their baths tonight, and when it was Jacob's turn, I told him (as I have many times) how much I miss his daddy. I had my head down in my arms on the side of the tub, and he said, "Are you crying about my daddy?"
I said, "No. I've been trying hard not to all day."
Would you believe his reply? My barely six year old little boy:
"You can cry anytime you want to."
Oh my God. Well, I couldn't have held it back then if I tried.