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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lump in my throat.

As good as I feel about what direction I'm taking now, I still have so many tough moments that come out of nowhere. Today, for instance, I've been fighting back tears all day.

Every little thing is setting me off - looking at my kids and seeing how much they've grown the past year. It's insane how much they've changed - how much they're growing and maturing. How much Matt has missed out on. How much we're missing out without him here. His birthday and our wedding anniversary are coming up. I've woken two nights in a row from nightmares. Last night's had me sobbing in my sleep. I'm mourning his death even in my sleep. WHY can't I dream about him being ALIVE???  I'm sure all this in combination isn't helping.

I have my computer's screensaver set to have pictures come up from my hard drive. You'd think by now I'd be somewhat desensitized from seeing Matt's pictures on there every day, but for some reason, it was hitting me hard today. How handsome he was. How involved he was with our children, and with me. All the things we did as a family. Most of it before Sydney was born. And the fact that I'm thinking of him and talking about him in the past tense still has me floored. To think he's not part of my present and future chokes me. It actually makes it hard to breathe, and I have to remind myself. Breathe. 

I was giving the kids their baths tonight, and when it was Jacob's turn, I told him (as I have many times) how much I miss his daddy. I had my head down in my arms on the side of the tub, and he said, "Are you crying about my daddy?"

I said, "No. I've been trying hard not to all day."

Would you believe his reply? My barely six year old little boy:

"You can cry anytime you want to."

Oh my God. Well, I couldn't have held it back then if I tried.


Kim said...

this was painfully beautiful to read. God, I am so sorry. Matt sounds so so wonderful. I am so sorry, Andrea. XOXO

Anonymous said...

you have such special little kids there, Andrea. I am so glad you have them. Who knew having kids could save us from so many different demons, huh? Nobody talks about that when one talks of having kids, it seems. I am so sorry your pain is so intense today. Thinking of you, as I often do, even though we talk so infrequently. xoxo


Mel said...

Oh, I love Jacob! This brought tears to my eyes. You are so real with your kids, and they will respect you for it. They are learning good values from you, as evidenced by Jacob's sweet comment.

Wendy said...

I can relate so much to this post. i just woke up and literally thought the same thing about my dreams. I dreamt about Chris last night but he was still dying. I so desperately want to dream about him being healthy and being a dad to our kids. It is so frustrating that we can't escape reality even while asleep!

Kristin said...

Ditto Mel. You are doing a fantastic job! I know the pain you are feeling and I think you're handling it so well with the kids. You are just the right amount of honest with them. Chin up, Andrea! Thinking of you!

megan said...

Was watching ram dass in fierce grace the other day, and he said, "both these things are true: I have the love and wonder of my guru, and I have this stroke. My main spiritual exercise is going back and forth between these things." Yeah. The love and beauty of our life - all the goodness I have known, and then there is this sudden death. back and forth between the two, the main spiritual exercise, at least so far today.

All that love, was and is still true. And so is this part.

Glenda said...

Feeling your pain. Jacob is so mature for his age. My mom passed in 2004 and the other day out of nowhere it hit me in Dunkin Donuts no less. I was having a coffee and donut and just thought of how much she LOVED the jelly donuts. And it hit me. Grieving hits us at all times. I'm sobbing and my husband ask me what is wrong? and I said nothing. Then I explained to him. he was very understanding. XX

Lessons in Life and Light said...

I've said it before, but you have some wonderful children. They are so, so special...your whole family is.

Jay Cosnett said...

Andrea, that was so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. And I hope you can look with pride at what an amazing job you are doing parenting and modeling healthy emotions for Jacob. So much so that at age 6, he can teach you the lesson you needed right then, that you surely taught him yourself many times over. Lots of love to you and those amazing kiddos.


Jessa said...

I am so sorry you are being hit hard on this particular day. Kids can say things that just make you feel better. I lost a good friend in an accident a couple weeks ago and when my 5 year old niece saw me crying (in the church bathroom) she asked my mom why. When she told her, my niece grabbed my hand and told me "Aunt Jessa, just try and pull it together for now, and when you get home, you can sit on your bed and cry your little eyes out!" It brought a little smile to my face! Here's to hoping your days are better. Much love!

kathy said...

Well, You are so real with your kids, and they will respect you for it.