My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lump in my throat.

As good as I feel about what direction I'm taking now, I still have so many tough moments that come out of nowhere. Today, for instance, I've been fighting back tears all day.


Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has a huge part to play in my progress, for many reasons. Through them, I have connected with so many others going through this same learning process.  I call it a learning process, because everyone will experience this, but no one knows exactly when or in what form. The only guarantee in life is death.With each year (heck - with each month) brings a new stage, awareness, emotion, understanding, and more questions. No matter how long ago or recent the loss happened. The pain doesn't seem to go away (from what I know so far in my year and a half into this whole thing), but in time you learn to live with it and somehow function at the same time.

When I attended the first conference last year (now called Camp Widow), I took a risk - spending the money, going by myself, not knowing what to expect, and traveling across the country to get there. I actually learned about it through my friend Matt Logelin's blog. I took his word for it that I should go, and I'm grateful to him that I did. I received way more than I anticipated and hoped for. Friends who understand. People who get it. I learned so much at the workshops, too, with the presenters sharing their wisdom and knowledge. Knowledge is power and there is power in numbers. Truly. (OK - I'll stop with the cliches now!)

I intend to go every year, because with every year, the stages evolve. Things change, new opportunities to learn arise. Plus, I need a weekend away as a grown-up once in a while, and what better way to spend it than with a bunch of people who "get" me? Because of that, it's such a relaxing, fun, let-your-hair-down time. And widows really know how to party!

Now that I'm working for Soaring Spirits, I'm learning even more about the organization and what they offer, and appreciating it all even more. Michele Neff Hernandez, who founded this organization, has such a generous, loving, positive spirit, and we're so fortunate that she is sharing all this with us through her organization (and that she's using her superpowers for good instead of evil!).

I only just started my new position as her assistant, but with the assumption of my duties, I already feel a change inside me - like a light went on. I feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose and am headed in a much more positive direction. Thank you, Michele!!! And like I told her, this will help keep me out of trouble. Hopefully.

Take a look at the SSLF site and see what Camp Widow has to offer, and I hope to see you there!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Learning to Fly.

I am a bird with two broken wings. 
With love and encouragement from those around me, 
they lift me up. 
They nurse my injuries tenderly and lovingly. 
I choose to listen to the positive voices around me and inside me.
They guide me.  
Though my wings were shattered, I flew the coop. 
In my new nest, my wings continue to heal 
with the love of those around me before, 
plus those around me now. 
Those that I choose to let into my life.
I've had to learn to compensate for my injuries and adapt. 
This has made me stronger. 
I've learned other ways to get where I need to be.
Slowly my wings feel stronger and more steady. 

There are still many times I fall, but I persevere. 
Because it's worth it, even when it doesn't seem to be. 
Worth the heartache, adversity, uncertainty.
Maybe someday my wings will heal, but not without scars. 
The scar tissue will strengthen them further,
and make them more beautiful.
Maybe someday I can even soar like I did 
before my wings got broken, 
but I'll soar in a new direction.
And if my wings should break again, I will persevere, 
repeating the steps above, perhaps skipping a few. 
All this from love, through love, for love, with love.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So a few weeks ago, Sydney asked me for something and I said no. She replied with a very dramatic, "I hate you!" and stormed off.

Now, this girl just turned three years old, and her brother is six and he never pulled that crap on me! I put her in time out, and when she was done serving her time, I asked her, "Do you know why you were in time out?"

She said yes, so I had her explain it to me...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Written by Jacob:

 dear daddy i love you love jacob row and sydney and mommy i love you olovos.........

(note: olovos = all of us)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Almost a dream come true.

About a month ago I found out that Cameron canceled Matt's phone, right about the same time they attempted to take our Workers' Compensation payments from the kids and I. Actually, Matt's mom found out the hard way by calling it and instead of hearing his voice on the other end, she got a message that the service had been discontinued.

We were so thankful that they kept his phone in tact so we could hear his voice. I even posted about it a while back.

I tried calling it initially to hear for myself but hadn't tried since, until the other day. I thought I'd try one more time just for the heck of it in case they fixed it, and I got a generic voice mail message, but no Matt's voice. I actually thought maybe they attempted to get the voice mail back to the way it was.

Later that day, my phone rang. I looked at it, and it said it was coming from Matt. MY Matt.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Sydney's birth.

This post comes pretty late considering Sydney's birthday was May 23, but in typical style, the second child gets the shaft (not nearly as many pictures of her as Jacob, either - poor thing). It's just a good thing I only gave birth twice...