Feeling isolated tonight. I've made wonderful friends here, and my brother is near, but even if I was back "home," I would still feel isolated because night time is the worst. Kids are sleeping, and even the bunny doesn't want to be bothered. Everyone told me, "call no matter what time of night." I just can't do that, no matter how bad it is. Call and say what??
"Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you at this hour, but I'm lonely. I miss Matt. I don't know what else to say."
Then I'd feel worse waking someone up, or disturbing their peaceful "family" time.
At least I'm getting something done. Finally getting caught up with laundry (freaking laundry gets insane if I don't do it for a couple of days, and there's only three of us!), and listening to music. Normally I'd be pretty satisfied with that, but I've had a couple glasses of wine. It gets me thinking more than I want. Actually, more than that, it makes me FEEL more than I want. You'd think it would do the opposite. Sometimes it does...
I'm lonely. But not for just a warm body. I'm lonely for the one man who really, truly got me. He knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. He accepted me for all my quirks, and appreciated some things about me I didn't even know until he pointed them out. He loved me unconditionally, even though I could be a major bitch sometimes. I miss the comfort he brought me just being here. The feeling of wholeness. Belonging. I miss his voice. I miss his face. I used to stare at his face all the time, memorizing every single line, freckle, scar, hair, everything. Thank GOD I did that. I miss every, single thing about him. I wrack my brain trying to figure out WTF happened. WHY? I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to have my life ripped out from underneath me. I don't understand why this had to happen to my kids. It makes not one little bit of sense.
I really try to think of the bigger picture, like maybe there's some higher purpose in all of this. I'm doing my best to fulfill whatever the fuck that is, but honestly, I still don't really get it. Maybe someday I will, but it's been a year and a half, and as much as I'm trying, there are times when nothing makes sense to me, and I think, WHY???????