My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Why.

Feeling isolated tonight. I've made wonderful friends here, and my brother is near, but even if I was back "home," I would still feel isolated because night time is the worst. Kids are sleeping, and even the bunny doesn't want to be bothered. Everyone told me, "call no matter what time of night." I just can't do that, no matter how bad it is. Call and say what??

"Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you at this hour, but I'm lonely. I miss Matt. I don't know what else to say."

Then I'd feel worse waking someone up, or disturbing their peaceful "family" time.

At least I'm getting something done. Finally getting caught up with laundry (freaking laundry gets insane if I don't do it for a couple of days, and there's only three of us!), and listening to music. Normally I'd be pretty satisfied with that, but I've had a couple glasses of wine. It gets me thinking more than I want. Actually, more than that, it makes me FEEL more than I want. You'd think it would do the opposite. Sometimes it does...

I'm lonely. But not for just a warm body. I'm lonely for the one man who really, truly got me. He knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. He accepted me for all my quirks, and appreciated some things about me I didn't even know until he pointed them out. He loved me unconditionally, even though I could be a major bitch sometimes. I miss the comfort he brought me just being here. The feeling of wholeness. Belonging. I miss his voice. I miss his face. I used to stare at his face all the time, memorizing every single line, freckle, scar, hair, everything. Thank GOD I did that. I miss every, single thing about him. I wrack my brain trying to figure out WTF happened. WHY?  I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to have my life ripped out from underneath me. I don't understand why this had to happen to my kids. It makes not one little bit of sense.

I really try to think of the bigger picture, like maybe there's some higher purpose in all of this. I'm doing my best to fulfill whatever the fuck that is, but honestly, I still don't really get it. Maybe someday I will, but it's been a year and a half, and as much as I'm trying, there are times when nothing makes sense to me, and I think, WHY???????

13 comments:

jaycosnett said...

Well, Andrea, YOU certainly hit the nail on the head, now didn't you!

Beautifully written, and in this case I can say I have felt exactly the same way.

All the time.

Hang in there. And thanks for sharing. Though I'm not that far in (4 1/2 months) so far that seems to be the thing that helps the most, at least for me.

megan said...

WTF and why. Completely get that. No logic, no sense whatsoever. My matt was half mountain lion - strong and healthy, and completely at home in the water and the woods. No reason at all he should drown that day. bigger picture - yeah. Trying to live whatever that is.

Suddenwidow said...

Amen! Wow, do I get it. Thank you for speaking for so many of us who feel exactly the same way.

Debbie said...

Girlfriend, you did hit the nail on the head. I was saying the exact same things this weekend. It's been 1 1/2 yrs and I still ask WHY!! It's so senseless! I miss his voice, his face, his smell, and just being there. He got me when nobody else did. What is the purpose of taking such great husbands, dads, bestfriends, & soulmates. I'm a christian and my faith is tested every friggin day! I don't get it! We had a great life. Now my life sucks!!!

Heather said...

There are moments when I just sigh and think "today is just another day that ends in why?" Sunday will be 28 months and I still don't get it. I still wonder what is in store for me that he couldn't be a part of. I'm more than ready for some answers.

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

What about IM'ing with a friend? That might be helpful when you're feeling sad.

Hugs.

Susie said...

You don't know me but I stumbled upon your blog a couple months ago and have been following your wonderful writing ever since. I've already gone through a few drafts of this comment, wishing there was something I could say to ease your pain but since sometimes even words cannot suffice, I'll simply remind you that there are countless people out there who you don't know, thinking of you and wishing you and your children well every single day.

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

hey. you know you can ALWAYS call me because chances are i'm doing/thinking/saying the same things at the same exact moment. had one of those nites last week and couldn't stop balling my eyes out. and in my head i did think "i should call Andrea." but instead, i just went to sleep.

mellehcimb said...

You really nailed it...Thank you...

Becky said...

I stumbled upon your blog tonight and had to leave you a note. I know all to well the feeling you are going through. I read through some of the entries and know all to well the stuff that goes through our mind during th is time. I will have been a widow for 4 yrs come July. My son was 4 1/2 also when he died. I didn't want to date and did eventually meet someone.

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

Oh Andrea - I know it's not the same, but I get your feeling of isolation, I really do. I get the drinking wine, the friendships that just don't have the same affect as a companion, and the not wanting to call anyone... I have spent this entire Sunday at home, without the kids, feeling sick and feeling lousy that there is no one here to "get me". Totally isolated. You described it beautifully, and I am sorry that you did. One day at a time... I am so sorry the "why" may never be answered. Hang in there kiddo - and stay on top of that laundry!

Anonymous said...

Maybe join a church. God is in Control and he has a reason for everything. We don't know what it is and it is not ours to know. We are to trust in him and believe that he sent his son to die that we might be forgiven. It is not our Plan.......it is God's plan that we live by. Not saying you can't have all the good memories but pray to God for the answer to all the Why questions and Pray for him to be with you during this trial in your life. Pray!
It has worked for me. I have lost 2 very important people in my life and I pray for God's guidance......I miss those 2 people but because of God I can get through life. "With God All Things Are Possible"

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to your post. I just passed the two year mark and for two days was obsessed with WHY and HOW? We were so happy and the rug was ripped right out from under my feet.