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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New bed.

Matt and I shared a king sized bed. The bedroom in our house in Buffalo was much bigger and the bed fit in there comfortably. Since he was always so good at making furniture out of wood, he had planned to make our headboard.

He made Jacob's bed, several end tables, a three-bay coat cubby, a book shelf for each of the kids, a book shelf/dvd/cd rack for our living room, our kitchen table, and some of the same for our friends. His handiwork usually included quite a bit of detail in them - he did beautiful work. All that, in addition to attending college part time, working full time, participating in team sports, raising a family, changing careers, etc., he just didn't have a chance to build the headboard for our bed.

Now that I'm living in a smaller house, I'm using the dining room as an actual dining room instead of a playroom like the other house. So rather than have a separate room for each of the kids, they're sharing the big master bedroom for now (which surprisingly works out quite well!), then I have one of the smaller rooms in the back that leads to the deck, and the other room off the back deck is the playroom. At the ages the kids are at now, we need one room to hold the majority of the toys and mess so the rest of the house can stay in some order. Plus, I don't want either one of the children to have access to a door that leads to the outside just yet (even though I have a house alarm that will go off if they attempt to open a door or window - tee hee...).

Since I have a much smaller bedroom now, the king sized bed took up pretty much the whole room. Sleeping on that bed was like sleeping in a vast, empty ocean. Most of the time, I had clothes, paperwork, and a bunch of other crap piled on it, and I really only had about a 2 x 3 feet area to curl up into a ball on (which is pretty much how I sleep, anyway). It occurred to me recently that maybe I subconsiously pile all kinds of crap on there so it doesn't feel so empty...

The other rooms in the house have been the priority since we moved in nine months ago, and my bedroom was the room that caught all of the overflow. A bedroom should be comforting and relaxing - like an escape. My room has been anything BUT. I decided that I didn't need that huge bed anymore, and that it's important to make my bedroom something that I don't dread walking into.

The thought of getting rid of the bed that Matt and I shared made me so sad. Kind of like what I mentioned in my previous post about taking his clothes off the hangers... it's not like if I hang onto the bed, he'll come back to it. Face it - I'm 5'4" and while we really did need the extra sleeping space since Matt was 6'4" and strapping, I don't need it now, and it's likely I won't in the near future. In the meantime, I took advantage of the fact that I don't need to clear my choice of bedroom furniture with anyone since I'm the only one in there. I purchased a queen sized mattress and box spring, a beautiful headboard and footboard that go so incredibly well with the existing comforter (as well as the style of the rest of the house), plus a matching dresser. Ahhh.

For the first time in my adult life, I have a pretty bed and matching dresser - and it's the girl version of a dresser to boot!  Now when I walk into that room, I see beauty. And now that my new bed is in my lovely "new" bedroom, I'm not as heartbroken about giving up our bed as I was before.


Suddenwidow said...

Congratulations! I'm proud of you and inspired by you. Austin always intended to make us a headboard too, but life always got in the way and all of the other building projects made it to the top of the list before our headboard. I was looking at our bedroom furniture the other day, all mismatched and old, and was thinking that it was time that my bedroom become the priority, for the first time. Your post has given me some inspiration and reassurance that maybe it's ok to put that at the top of my priority list in the near future. Thanks!

Jill said...

I'm not sure if I've commented on your blog before, but I've been reading for a long time. I know this must have been yet another huge step for you- I can't image what you're going through. At the risk of being creepy...I want you to know that I think about you often :) You're doing a great job

Crash Course Widow said...

I know I found that new stuff--new bedroom furniture, new home, new car--didn't hurt as much as having to look at the old stuff that Charley and I shared. I have a few things for which I have small, isolated moments of wistfulness that I got rid of them earlier in grief (our old home being really the only one anymore), but overall, it's easier not being reminded of the pain.

And besides, buying new stuff that *I* like and that wasn't a negotiation or compromise is fun!

I hope the new bed and bedroom is continuing to bring you some joy and optimism. Can't wait to maybe get to see them in person this summer! ;o) Love ya, girl!!

Heather said...

I haven't changed any of the furniture yet, but I have been on a painting spree and one of the rooms I have painted is the master bedroom. It was bittersweet to do it but I love how it turned out. Now, at 36, I finally have the purple bedroom I have always wanted. :)

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I think I do the same thing with my bed (about leaving stuff on it) now that you mention it. Initially I tried to keep it completely clean, but over time I always seem now to end up with piles all over the place.

I noticed for the first time the other day too, that I thought about moving some of his clothes around in the closet. I don't know if I could move them out yet, but to a different spot. There's still a part of me that feels guilty - like his stuff is in the way of mine and how I want mine to be organized now - but he isn't coming back and keeping his clothes in the same place doesn't make a difference.

Thanks for the inspiration. 'Maybe' it can be a step to make this weekend . . .