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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Jacob's birthday

Today is my sweet little love's 6th birthday. Unfortunately, my kids' birthdays are a major "grief trigger" for me. This is the second time Matt is missing Jacob's birthday, and it's not any easier. We have to be happy, sing, and celebrate - without his daddy.

When grief is triggered for me, I struggle to function, and this is when I need to be at my best. It doesn't help that I'm getting sick on top of it. I need to pull myself together, bake a cake, bake cupcakes for his class tomorrow (today is a half-day, so his class will have more time to enjoy their cupcakes tomorrow instead of today) and put on a happy face. I was going to take Jacob bowling this weekend, but I couldn't get it together enough to get out of the house yesterday, let alone take the kids bowling.

Since Sydney's birthday is at the end of this month, I usually combine their parties into one. I'm planning on having it on the 15th, but haven't sent out any invitations yet or made any concrete plans. It occurred to me yesterday that May 15 is exactly the year and a half mark of Matt's death. Great day for a party, huh. =(

I'll write a happy post related to Jacob's birthday, recounting the joy his birth brought Matt and me. But right now, I need to pretend I have the energy to get off my chair and bake when all I really want to do is bury my head and sleep.


Glenda said...

I am feeling your heart ache today. Today is my mom's birthday, but she passed in 2004 so my heart is very heavy today. Sending you hugs and a very Happy Birthday to Jacob. XX

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Poor sweetie. Hope you get a special minute to your own self to remember Matt in your own way with whatever emotions come up. You deserve it, thanks for taking such great care of your lovely kiddies.



Debbie said...

Andrea, You are an amazing young widow. I look forward to reading your posts everyday. You are an inspiration to many. Being a widow is hard enough (I know) but to be one with small children must be an extra grief. You grieve yourself but you must grieve for your little ones too. I pray for you often. Happy B-Day to those babies.

Alicia said...

((( Andrea )))

Yes, we never expect the kids' birthdays to be triggers, but they are. They underscore how much our spouse has missed, how much our children have missed.

Cherish the love in your heart, and hold your babies close.

AVM said...

Big hugs to you, Andrea. And a happy, happy birthday to Jacob. Chin up. . .you'll get through it.

Kris said...

Andrea -
Looks like our boys have the same birthday. Ironic, isn't it. I know exactly how you feel. They are FAR too young to be celebrating birthdays without their dad's. FAR. TOO. YOUNG. Days like that do make you stop and realize that time really is going on, even without them here, and they really are missing out on everything. Chris hasn't even gone a year and most days it still doesn't seem real. I imagine that doesn't change at a year and a half either. I'm so sorry.
Thinking of you.
Happy birthday to Jacob!

Wendy said...

My most difficult day since Chris died was my son's 2nd birthday last year. I kept reliving his birth and all the joy that surrounded it. I understand how easily the days that are supposed to be "happy" can wind up causing the most pain. I hope both of your children's birthdays can bring you some joy.

Jennifer M Karn said...

I know exactly what you mean. I feel so guilty for being a slacker these days. I hope the kids forgive me some day. Special occassions are the worst!

I hope you feel better.


Danielle said...

I am so sorry that you have to feel this when it comes to special occasions. Keep your chin up, you are doing great!