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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

TURN IT OFF!

My mind has been racing uncontrollably. I've been insanely busy with catching up with the things I've been procrastinating dealing with. Wanna hear the list?

My in-laws coming tomorrow to stay for a few days. One reason is for a visit I'm so looking forward to, the second reason is that one of my brothers-in-law is a plumber and he is going to help me change over all the galvanized steel pipes in my 1928 house to copper, replace the leaking faucets in the bathroom, and replace the sewer pipe leading from the house to the sidewalk. My brother, at the same time, is going to insulate my attic. Just today, I had the heating guy come back with a part that was ordered to fix my furnace, the security system was repaired, I made appointments for the kids and I with a new dentist (have to print and fill out the forms before Sydney's and my appointment tomorrow morning), found a new optician and made an appointment to get my eyes examined, ordered the insulation for the attic, canceled the original reservation for the hotel we need to stay at while we have no water, took Jacob for the second half of his chicken pox vaccine, made some homemade chicken soup and got some ingredients ready for chicken enchiladas. I've really got to get some more Tupperware storage containers...

My mind is still racing... the morning Matt died and the events moment by moment as they unfolded. Did Sydney make it into the preschool I registered her at the other night? We were the first ones there and the last to leave - number 89... chances might not be too good. I have to stop by the church at the end of our street and inquire about preschool with them - I heard they're good, too. What were Matt's last moments like? What was the scene for his co-workers when they found him? Does Jacob need his eyes checked, too? I should inquire with his school to see if they've already done that. Can I afford preschool for Sydney? Can I afford NOT to send her? Will Healthy Families of CA accept my kids based on our income of Social Security and Workers Compensation? The kids and I in combination might actually get "too much" to be considered, yet all that money is going to get spent on health care, anyway. Should I apply for new health insurance now, or wait until I'm closer to my COBRA running out? Shit - I have to send a check for COBRA to my old job for March and April... I think I paid up to February. What should I pack for the kids and I for our two day stay at the hotel? Should I drive across country in August, or am I really out of my mind? I've pretty much made up my mind to do it... Have to get the van fixed first... Oh yeah - that's another call I need to make. I need a hair cut, too. Do I chop it all off, just get some layers, or leave it alone? I can't wait to make my appointment for my next tattoo. Sadly, that's one of the things I'm looking most forward to right now. Is my friend going to propose to his girlfriend? How do I get my Twitter tweets to only go to the people they're intended for? I found out when the heating guy was here that my ducts are all clogged up with crap and they need cleaned out. Maybe that's why the kids and I have been perpetually sick the past month and a half since the heat's been on. Have to make an appointment to get that done. Very soon. Spent a ridiculous amount of money to have the water filter expedited for the fridge since the indicator is now red. Have to empty out my closet so my stuff doesn't get in the way and ruined from the insulation since the access to the attic is in there. I have yet to organize my bedroom since I moved - papers and piles of crap everywhere in there. I need to make this room peaceful. Will Ginny remember to bring my portion of Matt's ashes with her on this trip? What should I put them in? I should save some for the kids... What color should I paint the bathroom after the walls get fixed from the plumbing? What kind of door for the access to the garage? Is Matt's spirit really alive, or is that all a bunch of crap? Should I put Jacob in trauma therapy for post traumatic stress disorder since he had that one nightmare he told me about? Who knows what else is going on in his head that he's not telling me. Swim lessons for the kids. Will I be single for the rest of my life, or will I ever be able to let myself love someone else? Someone who is alive. Not already attached. Not like Matt in every way. Widowed or not widowed. Does it matter? Should I post about my brief failed stint at dating? I still have to mail out the gift to my friends' new baby boy. Need to mail out the DVDs to my other friend who I promised them to. Need to mail out the info for the tractor to the new owners of my previous home, and write a note with it. My mother-in-law's birthday is coming up. The kids' birthdays are right around the corner... party at my house, Chuck E Cheese like Jacob's been wanting (I HATE Chuck E Cheese), or something else? Should probably suck it up and do Chuck E Cheese.

The wine isn't even helping.

8 comments:

Em said...

Wow! Thats quite a list! Does writing it down help quiet your brain? It sometimes does for me. Sometimes not.
You are going to be busy busy! But oh the improvements! Enjoy your visitors! :)

annie said...

I've found that when thoughts are racing it is sometimes better to let them run until they wear themselves out.

Joy said...

Oh my and I thought I was busy! Do take care not to wear yourself out.

Joy
Atlanta, GA

Suddenwidow said...

My list is different and yet similar but just as long so I appreciate your stress level. It seemed to be so much easier to deal with life when we had a partner to share half the load. I hope we both find a little peace of mind within the flurry of thoughts and responsibilities! And hopefully before August in San Diego! Take care, Andrea.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

Familiar words. I remember my mind racing for days and weeks. I couldn't make it stop. Finally, I learned to take deep breaths and relax. Breathe. Take care.

Lisa said...

Andrea,
Just found your blog a few days ago. My husband died March 4, 2009. So sorry for the pain...I wish I was the only one in the world feeling it.
I cleaned my closet at 3AM the other morning, also unable to turn off the brain...

Heather said...

When you figure out how to turn off the brain, will you let me know? I could really use some sleep. :)

You definitely have a lot going on. I find making a list helps. I like the feeling of accomplishment from crossing things off.

(p.s. thanks for reminding me I need to pay my auto insurance-as soon as I figure out where I put the bill).

Andrea Renee said...

Thanks, everyone...

Lisa, I'm so sorry about your husband, and I'm sorry you're among all of us in pain, but happy you're with us in healing. xoxo