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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Jacob's dream.

Jacob came into my room this morning around 6:15 with his (stuffed) puppy and snuggled up with me. He was having some dreams that bothered him. He was whispering the details to me, so I couldn't make out everything he said, but I think I got the main idea...



In his dream, Matt's face was bloodied from the accident. Jacob wanted to hear the story again of how it happened, and what happened to him.  I explained as best I could, in a way that I felt he could handle and understand at this point.

"There was a big machine that has a big pipe attached to it that sucks in air from inside a little room, and Daddy went into the room. You know how the vacuum cleaner hose sucks in air? That's kind of what it was like, but the pipe is a lot bigger than a vacuum cleaner hose and sucks in air a lot faster and harder. Daddy got sucked up against the pipe so fast and hard that it killed him, but he didn't feel any of his boo boos because he died right away. ...I'm so glad you talked to me about this."

I can only pray I'm right about that last part.

It is so unfair that my children have to have these thoughts, these dreams, these concerns, this pain.

6 comments:

Cammie said...

It is SO unfair Andrea.
hugs to you all

Glenda said...

uhhhh it's so unfair... my heart aches for Jacob and Sydney... hugs to you all XXX

darcie said...

I'm sorry you are going thru this - but so glad that you are open and honest with your little one. It's soo important for him. And for you-
Hugs - xoxo

Danielle said...

It is unfair that any of you have to feel that pain!
Hugs

Anonymous said...

It broke my heart to read your blog today. It is so unfair!!
I feel for you sooo much!
It is great that Jacob can trust you the way he does!!
Your a GREAT mom and friend to him!!

Tracy

Crash Course Widow said...

I'm so sorry that you have to explain such a messy (figuratively, not literally), unusual mode of death to Jacob and that it's not something more straightforward and easier to explain to your children. Having to figure out a way to explain it, in a way that doesn't frighten them or tell them too many age-inappropriate details, is so incredibly hard...especially when you're still processing it and living it yourself.

Then again, there's never any easy way of explaining it to small children--or older ones, or adults for that matter--regardless of how they died. But still, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this added heartbreak too....

Anna's mentioned lots of dreams about our dog lately too; I wonder if there's something going on developmentally at age 5-6 where dreams factor into our kids' grief and processing abilities, more than when they were younger. And like what you mentioned in your other recent post about jacob's irrational connection to Matt dying because of ice cream, I've found with Anna that it's darn near impossible to get erroneous information about death out of her head. She insists that some details--that were physically impossible to be true--happened, when I know they didn't...but I guess she'll just have to wait til she's older before she can understand it.

(And I hope you know it goes without saying that I'm in no way paralleling the death of her beloved dog to the death of Jacob's DAD. It's simply that Anna's frame of reference these days for grief and processing death is for something other than her father these past few months...curse it all....)

I hope and pray that Jacob's dreams--and yours--pass soon...and that Sydney doesn't start them soon after....You need a big, deserved break for a while, chica.

Hugs, my friend.