It's only recently that the fog is starting to lift a little and I can see some things a bit more objectively.
One of those things is that I have not been good about keeping in touch with my friends back east. My phone calls have been few and far between, emails and Facebook messages just as scarce. I've had intentions to call and I think about them all the time, but I seem to find some excuse not to make the effort. Yes, I've been very busy here, but how much time and effort does it really take to pick up the phone and dial? The time difference is a factor for sure - three hours can really mess things up. I know my friends are busy, too, and time gets away from them just as easily as it does for me.
I still feel a little guilty about this, but after giving some more thought to it, there may be a bit more to why I'm not as quick to pick up the phone as I once was.
When I moved out here, I was well aware of the fact that I was running away from my life without Matt. I couldn't get away fast enough. I knew that grief would follow me wherever I went, and it certainly has, but many of the associations I left behind didn't. Not only was my home, neighborhood and job all associated with the life I had with Matt, but so were the people. As much as I hate the fact that my friends (who I love so much and consider them family just as much as my own flesh and blood) are lumped into that category, it's just a simple fact. Well, maybe not so simple, but there it is.
The brutally honest truth is also the fact that as much as I do miss everybody, missing Matt trumps missing anything and anybody else right now, and it has from the moment he died. I think (hope) that in time that will change, but that's just my reality at this point.
I do resolve to pick up the phone more often. I can't let the friendships I've had most of my life, the wonderful people that supported me and got me through the toughest times when I lived in Buffalo, fall by the wayside. These are friendships I hold dear, and hope to have for the rest of my life no matter where I'm living or what is happening in my life.
(It also helps a lot that I finally bought a new battery for my cell phone which holds a charge way better than the other one that would quit halfway through one short conversation!)