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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Every Sunday, I think about it. I wish I was the church-going type, but I just can't bring myself to walk into a church for some reason since Matt's death.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Home Improvement

Thursday morning, my in-laws came into town - Ginny and Roy drove in from Arizona, and Chris and his boys (I shouldn't say boys - they're in their 20's now), Red and John, drove in from New Mexico. They were here until Tuesday morning, and my brother Bryan who lives nearby was here almost the whole time they were. You won't believe all that they accomplished in the short time they were here...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Exciting morning!

My first earthquake in Southern California!!

My in-laws were up just before 4am getting ready for their drive back to Arizona, and I briefly woke to hear them. I dozed back to sleep and woke a few minutes later to the bed shaking. My first thought was that one of the kids was bouncing on my bed, and then I realized that it wasn't just the bed that was shaking!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Crazy dreams...

I decided to start writing down my crazy, action-packed dreams since maybe someday I could use them as a plot in a movie (I'm in the right town for it now), and cure my financial worries...

Last night, my dream involved a huge, sprawling, complex building (as many of them do for some reason). This one was a mall, and had a daycare and a hotel attached to it. It was a great place to go shopping and leave your kids in a safe place while you shopped in peace. What a great dream, huh? Well, it turned ugly.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


My mind has been racing uncontrollably. I've been insanely busy with catching up with the things I've been procrastinating dealing with. Wanna hear the list?

Luckiest Mommy...

I've been under the weather going on a good two months now, on and off. The past few days, though, mostly on.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

This morning...

Jacob and Sydney are watching one of their Blue Planet videos that they love as I'm putting laundry away in the kids' room.

Out of the blue, Sydney runs up to me and says, "My daddy is in my heart!" as she's patting her heart with her right hand. "MY heart! My daddy is in MY heart!"

"Yes he is, sweetie. He IS in your heart!"

And with her sweet little innocent face and wide eyes, she said excitedly as she's bouncing up and down, "Can I see him? Can I see him, Mom?"

And then my heart shatters into a thousand pieces.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Jeff Fazzolari

Today marks the first anniversary of my friend Jeff's death. Jeff and I worked together at The Gow School for about six years.

His wife, three young children, brothers, sisters, parents, friends have all been on my mind and on my heavy heart more than usual the past week.

Jeff was such a good man - fun, smart, honest, talented chef, so down to earth, and freakishly awesome at beer pong and foosball (I've played this game since I was four and somehow I'm still unsure how to spell the word). For the record, he was one of the only people I've played to actually have kicked my ass at that game.

His famous opening line was, "How YOU doin'?" and his famous last words were, "Whattya gonna do."

When I was pregnant, he was willing to make chocolate pudding for dessert at the dining hall whenever I demanded it (without the stupid chocolate chips - it's a texture thing), and the chocolaty zucchini bars that I was convinced he was messing with me that there was actually zucchini in them.

He and his wife gave me a couple of bags of hand-me-downs for our kids, and he put them in my unlocked van for me one afternoon at work. It was so nice of him to do that; especially since I was running late from taking care of SAT's, and in light of his bad back. When I finally got to my van, however, I discovered not only the bags, but that he had re-adjusted my car seat, all the mirrors, windshield wipers, and anything else that he was able to adjust. It took me at least ten minutes to get everything back to where it was so I could go home.

The next time he offered me hand-me-downs, I graciously declined.

Because of him, I have a new appreciation for Bruce Springsteen and ice sculptures. Because of him, I've made a couple more really great friends.

I hope he and Matt are having a beer together, and that he didn't get his ass kicked by my sasquatch.

Miss you, Jeff. You are one of the good guys. Please tell Matt I said Hi and I love you. I hope to have a great meal when I get to where you guys are.

Carrie and Cliff, I've been thinking and praying for you guys, and for all the Fazzolaris.

Love and peace to each and every one of you.

...I've had a few glasses of wine in your honor tonight, Jeff.... (hiccup)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tonight's conversation...

We were eating ice cream tonight after dinner and I asked Jacob if he remembered what his dad's favorite kind of ice cream was. He didn't remember, so I reminded him that it was vanilla ice cream with chocolate powder (Nestle Quick). Chocolate ice cream was too chocolaty for his liking, so he preferred to mix the chocolate powder in with the vanilla ice cream.

A few moments later, he said, "I wish Daddy didn't eat ice cream." I asked him why, and he said, "because maybe he wouldn't have made mistakes."

Jacob's dream.

Jacob came into my room this morning around 6:15 with his (stuffed) puppy and snuggled up with me. He was having some dreams that bothered him. He was whispering the details to me, so I couldn't make out everything he said, but I think I got the main idea...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Some quotes from the past few days...

Me: "Jacob, I love you SO much."
Jacob: "Ahhhhh... That makes me explode into a confetti of hearts."

Sydney: "I LOVE pickles! Pickles good!!"

Yesterday... (3/1/10)
Sydney: "Mommy, where'd my daddy go?"

Sydney at dinner tonight (3/2/10): "Where'd my fork go?"
Jacob, while she was looking for her fork and she said 'no thanks' to more crab meat: "Sydney, you don't know what you're missing!"
Sydney's reply: "My fork! My fork is missing!"

Tonight after I gave Sydney her bath and was putting lotion on her, Jacob was looking at her and claimed he could see through her skin into her body. He was telling me where her heart was, that he could see the valves and veins, her bones, her bladder... When he was "looking" at her heart, he said he could also see Daddy in there.

When I was tucking Sydney into bed while Jacob finished up his bath, she asked for the umpteenth time where her daddy is. My explanation varies a little each time I explain it to her, just to avoid sounding like a broken record. Tonight, I explained to her that he is in her heart, and even though she can't see him, he is still with us.

Me to Sydney, continuing the conversation: "Maybe when you close your eyes and dream, he'll come into your dream and say hello and let you know how much he loves you."

She said, "THAT'S my daddy!!" and settled into bed, snuggling under her covers with a big smile on her face.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I've been a bad friend.

It's only recently that the fog is starting to lift a little and I can see some things a bit more objectively.

One of those things is that I have not been good about keeping in touch with my friends back east. My phone calls have been few and far between, emails and Facebook messages just as scarce. I've had intentions to call and I think about them all the time, but I seem to find some excuse not to make the effort. Yes, I've been very busy here, but how much time and effort does it really take to pick up the phone and dial? The time difference is a factor for sure - three hours can really mess things up. I know my friends are busy, too, and time gets away from them just as easily as it does for me.

I still feel a little guilty about this, but after giving some more thought to it, there may be a bit more to why I'm not as quick to pick up the phone as I once was.