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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, February 5, 2010


It's hard not to think the worst after what our family has been through.

At first when my brother got sick, I was worried but not worried... Even when he went to the hospital, I blocked the worry and fear. But then it set in even though I tried to fight it. I thought how it seems the good guys are all getting taken lately, and realize how quickly things can change. I thought, "is this the real reason I was meant to move out here? so I can be with my brother in his last days and help my sister-in-law and their children through the transition?" Horrible, torturous thoughts.

He had/has a very serious infection and was in the hospital for nearly a week. He is home now, thank goodness, and is on oral antibiotics. He still needs to regain his strength, but knowing him, he'll get there in no time. I'm just so thankful that he's home and doing well and on the road to recovery.

I'm also thankful that my sister is here for the next week and a half!

During our visit last night, I had a strange sensation. I felt "normal" for the first time in a very long time, and I think I figured out why. For the first time in over a year, the focus wasn't on me and our loss. The way it's been recently is when a family member or friend travels a long distance to be with us, it's been because of what I'm going through. This time, it wasn't for me and it felt kinda nice. I feel guilty for saying that because it implies that I'm glad my brother got sick - that's not the case at all. It's just nice to have the focus on someone else for a change. (That still sounds bad...)

My sister, brother and I have one of the best relationships that siblings can have. Even with our age differences, we all get along so incredibly well and can make each other laugh like no one else can. We're pretty damn lucky for that. They'd better be alive and well for a freakin' long time.


Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

it's hard when you've been through what we've been through, to not go to "that place" of worry immediately. Glad your brother is well and you're enjoying time with your sister!
Loves to you!

Glenda said...

Wow Andrea. I can so relate with going there to the worry immediately. I haven't lost my hubby but have lost both my parents and 2 of my brothers so loss and grieving is part of my life. (As horrible as that sounds) Stay strong! Sending you hugs XXX and I agree... it's nice to know that you have siblings you can laugh with. I feel that when I'm surrounded by my hubby and kids. I call it "my circle of love" :)

Anonymous said...

Glad your brother is improving adn will be over this infection soon. Can definitely relate to the immediate worry. It is so understandable after what you have experienced. I don't know your children obviously but know that they could experience that same sense of worry. I lost my dad when I was 11 and my brother was 8 and we've talked about how once you live through such a loss it is hard not to imagine it coming when a situation gets bleak and my dad has been gone for 30 years now. You're a great mom and I know you'll look out for your kids experiencing that same worry.

Shannon said...

Oh Andrea...
Cherish EVERY moment with your brother and sister. After losing my sister to cancer in four months, I tell people all the time never take anything for granted! It was a year in Jan. and it STILL feels unreal! You are supposed to grow old w/ your sister...right? I'm glad you are close to them, that is so wonderful! I hope your brother is better soon! Hugs to you!