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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Fitful sleep.

Lately, I've been having so many nightmares... Last night, it was one after another. One of them, my mother-on-law was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and the kids were in the back. We were driving along a road similar to the 110 West, and we were in the left lane. The car in the middle lane next to us veered over into our lane, forcing us into the guardrail. Not only did we hit the guardrail, but the car next to us rammed into us, and spun us around. I don't remember what happened after that - I think I woke up. As soon as I fell asleep, it brought me into another nightmare.

Matt's brother Chris was killed in some sort of accident where he was thrown from his vehicle. I don't know what he was driving, but I think it was his quad. He was killed instantly. In the dream, I knew Matt was already dead, now Chris, and I think Jeff was also dead in my dream because I remember thinking that the only one left of his brothers was Greg. His mother was destroyed, and I woke up sobbing. Fell back to sleep, only to continue the nightmare.

Chris's boys were selling all of Matt's brothers' belongings in a huge yard sale with tables and tables full of stuff. Fortunately, I don't remember much other than that, but I was still devastated in the dream. It just didn't seem to end until Jacob woke me up at 6:30 this morning to tell me his piggy bank was full and he wanted to go to the bank to deposit his money into his bank account. That was one time I was so happy that Jacob woke up that early on the weekend.

Sydney was still sound asleep, so I asked Jacob to play quietly in the playroom so Sydney and I could sleep a little longer. After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up exhausted and just wanted to close my eyes and get in at least one more hour of hopefully some peaceful rest.

Jacob came into my room again at 9am, and said, "Mommy, it's nine o'clock. NINE." In other words, Get your ass out of bed NOW- I've been good long enough! He's such a good boy.

We had a feast of pancakes, hash browns, sausage and bacon. After we stuffed ourselves, we got ready to go to my brother's house. Jacob got carsick on the way there and threw up everything he ate. I swear, I've dealt with more puke in this past month than I have my entire 36 years combined.

We pulled ourselves together once we got to my brother's house, and then a short while later we all headed for the beach. My brother, nephew and Jacob all rode their bikes, and Sydney even rode her tricycle. Of course, her and I were a lot slower, but she rode her little tricycle all the way from where we parked a few blocks from the beach, then rode on the bike path for a while there, and even the whole way back when we were ready to leave! Matt would have been so proud of his little girl. I thought for sure I'd be carrying her and the tricycle most of the way (like I did a couple times to and from the park from our house). What a trooper!

The kids had a blast playing in the sand, and we saw evidence of the huge waves that had recently hit as a result of the tsunami in the Pacific. It's pretty amazing how far they came onto the shore.

We had a delicious dinner at a couple's house that my brother and his wife are friends with, and then we headed for home after a nice visit. I'm just hoping for a peaceful night of sleep tonight, and if I have any dreams, that they are pleasant. Best case scenario, I'll have a good dream about Matt.


Danielle said...

Sorry you are having so many nightmares. Hope you get some good sleep now!

Tracey said...

I hope you have sweet dreams tonight!

Glenda said...

Sorry bout the nightmares. Hope you had a great dream w/ Matt. Glad to hear you had a good Sunday. Yay! xx

Crash Course Widow said...

I had terrible nightmares of one variety or another for at least two to three years after Charley died. They were so awful and frightening, and I hated every one of them. Sure, I occasionally had bad dreams before he died too, but they never had any long-lasting impact on me like after he died.

Fortunately, they've mostly gone away and are few and very far between...and not nearly so traumatizing.

Sending you hugs and good deep-sleep (and good-dream) vibes!