Julie, the wonderful insurance lady that came over yesterday, invited the kids and I to go bumper bowling this morning as part of a fundraiser they were having. Jacob was over the moon about going (he's been asking to go bowling) and Sydney is now old enough to participate.
There was a huge group of people there as part of the association of realtors and their families, and we bowled with a great group that we met for the first time.
A couple of them were a man and his four year old son, Sawyer. Sawyer is a little cutie and he got along great with Jacob and Sydney; they really all played together so nicely. Sawyer's dad also has a baby girl who is a year old, and she and his wife stayed at home. The dad played with Jacob and Sydney so sweetly - you can tell he's a great dad to his own two. He's a gentle giant like Matt.
He bounced Sydney on his knee, and she said "aAaAaA" so she could hear her voice shake as she bounced. When she would walk away from him, he'd let her get so far, and then pull her back as she squealed with delight. Those are the kinds of things that Matt did with Jacob, that he would have done with Sydney when she got to this age. She was only 18 months old when he died, so she wasn't quite ready for rougher play like this - after all, she just learned to walk at that point.
As I watched him interact with my kids, my heart broke. This is the kind of stuff my kids crave. This is the kind of stuff I crave for them. Of course I kept a smile on my face and tried to just revel in the joy my kids were getting out of it, but I had a hard time keeping it together once we got in the van to leave.
I'm going through a tough bout of grief right now, and every little thing is setting me off lately. God I miss Matt so much. I miss everything about him. Even the stuff I used to complain about. I miss every little thing.
We got home and put in one of Jacob's favorite movies, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I'm so burned out on this movie it's not funny, but I was too tired and sad to say no.
I never noticed until Matt's death just how many kids' movies have a widow or widower as the main character. The mom in the movie was dead. In the movie Underdog, the mom was dead. The Secret of Nimh, the dad is dead. Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty... all have a parent who is dead. What's the deal?
Jacob mentioned how the mom was dead in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and then he said it - it's been a while -
"Mom, when can we get a new dad?" Ugh.
I just want the old one back. Is that too much to ask??
I know, I know....
I made poor Julie cry when she was here yesterday. I showed her around the house and pointed out all the things that Matt made. She looked at the pictures around the house as we went through. Sydney pointed to the one of Matt and me on our wedding day, and said to Julie, "Mommy's a princess!"
We were talking in the playroom for a few minutes while Sydney played in there, and she asked Julie, "Where's your daddy?" because as I mentioned before, she asks everyone where their daddy is, and asks me where hers is at least three times a day. Julie didn't think anything of it as she answered, "He's probably at work." Then I have to go and tell her that she wants to know where everyone's daddies are, and Julie's eyes got wide and she said, "Ohhhhh...." Then her eyes welled up.
For the most part, I'm pretty good at pushing the grief aside, but for the past couple of weeks, it won't let me. It feels so fresh. I'm even regressing into the phase where I have the urge to tell anyone who doesn't know that my husband died. And it really makes me mad that a fun morning with my kids doing a fun activity that we enjoyed so much together would have to be bittersweet.
I'm so fucking sick of 'bittersweet' that I'm choking on it.