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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Fitful sleep.

Lately, I've been having so many nightmares... Last night, it was one after another. One of them, my mother-on-law was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and the kids were in the back. We were driving along a road similar to the 110 West, and we were in the left lane. The car in the middle lane next to us veered over into our lane, forcing us into the guardrail. Not only did we hit the guardrail, but the car next to us rammed into us, and spun us around. I don't remember what happened after that - I think I woke up. As soon as I fell asleep, it brought me into another nightmare.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Julie, the wonderful insurance lady that came over yesterday, invited the kids and I to go bumper bowling this morning as part of a fundraiser they were having. Jacob was over the moon about going (he's been asking to go bowling) and Sydney is now old enough to participate.

There was a huge group of people there as part of the association of realtors and their families, and we bowled with a great group that we met for the first time.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"Don't put off 'till tomorrow what you can do today."

The past few days have been pretty full. I'm finally starting to tackle the things I've been putting off for far too long.

Friday, February 19, 2010


One of the other widow bloggers I follow just wrote a post that really hit home. You have to read it (here), and then read my comment to her because that's a post in itself.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I was looking for a few pictures on my computer to give to Janelle for the interview when I found a couple of video clips of Matt. One was of him with Sydney when she was just learning how to walk.

I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear his voice, see him move, hear his laugh after more than a year of being deprived of him. I can't even describe my emotions when I watch the video... relief, joy, despair, anger, love...

The past few weeks...

Where do I begin... my brother is on the mend and just about back to normal. The day he got out of the hospital, my sister flew into town to see him. She went back yesterday morning, but it was so great to see her.

Jacob and Sydney are over strep throat and now onto bronchitis. Jacob is on his second round of antibiotics, and Sydney will probably start hers today since she hasn't improved over the past few days. My poor girl is miserable. To quote her, "I'b sick, Bobby."

Jacob is really catching on to reading! It just all of a sudden seemed to click with him. He is reading "sight words" like "the, and, is, have" and is sounding out others and doing a fabulous job. He's reading simple stories and is gaining confidence. Now he can start reading to me finally!

I'm on a roll with getting my yard in shape. I hadn't done much with it since I moved in and it was in serious need of some TLC. I find doing yard work is extremely therapeutic, and I'm enjoying every bit of it. So much so, that I've been doing that instead of facing the insurance mail and medical bills still sealed in their envelopes that have been looming over my head for weeks. I'm working on that right now (can you tell?) and then when I'm done, my reward will be getting back outside to do more yard work. The weather has been incredible!

In the meantime, I'm counting down the minutes until Sydney's pediatrician's office opens so I can call them and get her on some meds. I feel like I'm leaving out a whole bunch of stuff, but this is the best I can do right now. No more procrastinating...

UPDATE: Sydney has bronchitis and an ear infection. My poor girl.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

An Interview.

Janelle Shantz Hertzler, who suffered a great loss of her own in July of 2005, started a grief website and has written a book to help others who have experienced a major loss. Her husband passed away suddenly when their son was just 18 months old.

Janelle recently contacted me about doing an interview with her to add to her site. She asked me some great questions, and while it was hard not to get too long-winded with my responses, you can read the interview here.

I recommend taking a look through her site, as it contains tons of great resources and information for anyone who is grieving or wants to help someone who is grieving.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

After eight years of going to school (technically nine since he took a year off to build our house and get married), Matt finally graduated from college with his bachelors degree in May of 2007 in Mechanical Engineering - when I was VERY pregnant with Sydney. I wasn't sure I'd make it to his graduation ceremony, but I did, thank goodness! He is the only person in his family to have accomplished this goal. His parents were so proud.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Effecting Change

One of the things I find solace in is helping others in similar situations as mine. Whether it's by lending an ear, giving advice, or just simply "getting it." But there's a bigger service I need to perform to feel some peace.


It's hard not to think the worst after what our family has been through.

At first when my brother got sick, I was worried but not worried... Even when he went to the hospital, I blocked the worry and fear. But then it set in even though I tried to fight it. I thought how it seems the good guys are all getting taken lately, and realize how quickly things can change. I thought, "is this the real reason I was meant to move out here? so I can be with my brother in his last days and help my sister-in-law and their children through the transition?" Horrible, torturous thoughts.

Monday, February 1, 2010

One helluva week.

Monday, Jacob wasn't feeling great, but I sent him to school since he didn't have any "real" symptoms of being sick. Plus, Mondays are a half day, anyway. By the time I got him home, he was feeling worse. That afternoon he started running a high fever (103.5) and after I gave him some Children's Motrin, he put himself to bed at 3:45pm and told me not to expect him up again until the next morning. He did end up waking up around 6:00pm, and had perked up a bit. I was relieved, but decided then to keep him home from school the next day just in case.

Tuesday, little bit more of a fever, but early that afternoon he was nearly in tears about how bad his throat hurt. Now, this kid doesn't complain. He could feel lousy and I'll ask him how he's doing, and he'll answer, "Pretty good." Just like his daddy that way... I took a flashlight and looked in his throat, and saw several tiny bright red dots back there. Not good.