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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Tonight's conversation made today worth it.

My original plan for today was to take all the Christmas stuff down and put it away, but since the move, the garage was still a disaster and needed put in some sort of order. I figured the best way to avoid making it more of a mess was to do that before I packed the Christmas stuff away again. Plus, I wanted to clear out the middle so I could set up a folding table for Jacob's new electric train set.

I should have known better than to try to undertake a project like this and expect to actually get it done with a five year old and a two year old under foot. Every time I would make some progress, they tore something else apart. Between that frustration, and the emotions that were stirred when I came across some of Matt's things, I was a mess and my nerves were completely shot to hell. His sneakers, gloves, hats, swim trunks, biking shorts, sandals... Each time I come across these things, it feels like he just died the day before. I end up saying the same things: "I can't believe it. I can't believe you died. Fucking nightmare. How can this be possible?" and on and on.




I was in such a bad way that I actually called one of my neighbors to rescue me. I'm not good at calling people when I need something, but I did it not just for me, but for my kids. I was being so short with them, and it wasn't fair to them to make them suffer for what I'm going through.

Helen lives a couple of doors down, and she came to my rescue. Thank God. She took the kids back to her house for a few hours. Her two little ones were sleeping, and then when they woke from their naps, all four of them played together. I got SO much accomplished during that time. Still need to put the Christmas stuff away, but at least I have somewhere (even a designated spot!) to put them once I get that done. 

When I went over to their house to get the kids, it looked like they were having a party! A bunch of our other neighbors and kids were visiting, too. Just a typical Saturday in the hood! Rene and Helen told me that they're taking me out for a girls' night this weekend, too. Wooohoooo!!

Have I mentioned how much I love living here??

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Jacob and I were talking for a little bit after I tucked him in tonight...

Jacob: "Momma, I have a question for you. Did you know my grandma's mom?"
(Earlier today, I was telling Jacob about Grandma Row's mom, Grandma Munn.)

Me: "Yes, I knew her. I got to know her, and talk to her a lot. She was a smart, funny lady."

Jacob: "Do you still know her?"

Me: "Well, I knew her when she was alive, but she's not alive anymore."
(We already covered this today, that she died before he and Sydney were born.)

Jacob: "No, I mean do you STILL know her?"

Me: "Yes, I remember her. I never want to forget. That's why I talk about her, and that's why we talk about your daddy all the time. I always want to remember him, too."

Jacob: "When we were in your belly, did you want us for one hundred thousand weeks?"

Me: "I wanted you my whole life."
(You should have seen the sweet smile on his face at that.)

Jacob: "I wanted you my whole life, too."

8 comments:

Mel said...

That is beautiful... what a loving kid!

Anonymous said...

I fricken LOVE that little man! xoxo Jeffra

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

kids say the sweetest things when you least expect it.

going through his things ...yeah, that sucks. i know. i so know. it really sucks when you're not expecting to see/find something of his and all of a sudden it appears. i always struggle with it because if they're stuff is still here, shouldn't they still be here too????

Jill said...

Hi Andrea,

I'm happy to hear you have some great neighbors, it sounds like you've made some nice friends in CA. I wanted to let you know about a new book that has been published, I thought of you when I read about it in PEOPLE Magazine. It's called "The Other Side of Sadness" by George A. Bonanno. It's a new book out about what the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss. I don't know if you're into reading those types of books but it could help you and you might feel better, who knows!!

AndreaRenee said...

Hi Jill, I checked out that book online and I'm going to get it. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

Danielle said...

You have wonderfully amazing children. That made me smile!

AndreaRenee said...

PS Jill - I bet that author gets a lot of jokes about his last name... =P

Jill said...

Andrea,

I'm so happy I recommended the book and you're going to check it out!! A book can never help heal your grief but it could possibly give you some comfort and understanding on how the brain handles it I guess.

You're right about the author's last name LOL!!