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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Enough!

Between my first birthday without Matt in October, the one year anniversary of Matt's death in November, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and all the other crap in between, it's been a rough freaking couple of months. It's bringing out a side of me that I don't like. The kind of side that despite all the love in my life, my beautiful children and the wonderful people around me, I'm still being ugly and hating the world. I'm hoping that once I get all this Christmas crap put away, I can get on with my life, and hopefully by the time October rolls around this year, I'll be better emotionally equipped to deal with it all again.

12 comments:

Cammie said...

sending you love and hugs Andrea, I wish they were in person

AndreaRenee said...

Thanks, Cammie.
I also have a RAGING case of PMS on top of it all. I probably shouldn't talk to anyone until it's over with...

Alicia said...

((( Andrea )))

Just a word of warning: The second time around can be even harder than the first because everyone (including the person grieving) EXPECTS it to be easier.

But you'll get through it. We always do.

AndreaRenee said...

Alicia, technically this is my 2nd time around for the holidays... the 1st time around was pretty much right after Matt died, but I was mostly in shock at that point...

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

Oh Andrea, my heart goes out to you. I find that lately I am angry with the constant struggle. You need a 'breather' for a few months, right? Just a couple months of nothing, eh? I'll pray for you.

Kris said...

Wishing you peace and strength, Andrea. You're a few months ahead of me in the grieving process, but I know how raw those emotions can be. And you've certainly had an awful stretch since the fall. You're due for a break. You deserve one. You're in my thoughts always. -Kris xoxo

Crash Course Widow said...

That's called grief, kid. ;o) No matter how wonderful everything else in your life is and how much those things ought to help, there's still one itty-bitty detail that you can't change: that Matt's dead, and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it. Hence, the ugly side of you. ;o)

Been there, felt that for a long, long, LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time, particularly after I made it through that first year and even after I dated someone for 6 months. I think Alicia is right with her comment, absolutely. It was the dirty little secret no one told me in the first year: that the second year might be even harder/worse, or even the third. Now, not everyone has a second (or third) year that's worse than the first...but it's certainly common too.

So hang in there, my friend. It will get easier, eventually, and howl and rage at the mood all you need. Those who love you and understand--widowed or not--will understand that this is all just a part of the process, pretty of not, and we'll all be here for you throughout it and on the other side.

Many hugs to you. xoxo, Candice

Shannon said...

There you go, being hard on yourself again! Girl, am I going to have to fly to where you are are and shake you? You aren't giving yourself nearly enough time. I lost my sister a year ago Jan. 3 and I cry everyday like it was yesterday!!! It does't get easier. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse and take on the rle of parenting alone, and a house alone. Hell, my husband is 5 minutes late from work and I am ripping his head off. I can't imagine never having him walk through the door again. Stop, sit down and look at the big picture...you have come so far. You have accomplished SO MUCH in such a short time. You should be patting yourself on the back. It's OK to feel the feelings you feel. It's normal. It's because all the craziness is finally settled down and the stress is letting up, and reality is setting in. You have gone from one thing to the next with out time to think. Now, nothing! Don't crash and burn! Take the time to take it all in, have a good cry...ALONE! We all understand Andrea, most of us have experienced loss one way or another here. And we are all here for you, I think you know that! Take care!

Heather said...

Wouldn't be nice if "they" told us upfront that the "one year to grieve" thing is really just a myth? On average, it takes 3-5 years to get through (not over-through) the death of a spouse, or so I have read.

I have a similar situation to yours with dates but in reverse. Where you start off with your birthday and the anniversary of Matt's death and then the holidays, I have the holidays, my birthday this month, and the anniversary of his death next month so I can certainly relate to the neverending rollercoaster of significant dates in a short amount of time and they do tend to overshadow the good days.

I found the 15-month mark to be absolutely brutal, but have seen steady improvement since then (23 months today). There are definitely bumps in the road, but they are not nearly as big and don't take nearly as long to bounce back from.

Hang in there!!

((Andrea))

jeana said...

Lots of HUGS my sweet friend.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you, take care of youself.

Kate said...

Hey, girl. This was year number four for me, and it was the first time I didn't completely melt down in horror over the holidays. It just takes time. And no one can tell you HOW much time. It just runs it's course. Hang in there. There's something on the other side of your grief. I don't know what it is for you, but you'll find it.