My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Forever, My Love

I love you with all of
my heart and my soul;
the ten years you gave me
have made my life whole.
Though you are gone
and we're miles away,
we took the love with us
you gave every day.
The home that we built
with our blood sweat and tears
must have only been meant
for us eight fleeting years.
Though your body is gone,
your spirit lives on
through the people you've touched
and the things that you've done.
In time our children's
memories might fade,
but they'll always be a product
of the love that we made.
The gifts of your wisdom,
knowledge and laughter
have shaped the person I am
ever after.
Had I known the outcome
the day we first met,
I'd do it all again
with not one single regret.
That realization has taught me
to not shy away
from another love
that may come my way.
I don't want to be defined
by what I have lost,
but be known for the recompense
despite the steep cost.
It's true what doesn't kill us
will make us stronger;
I am not afraid to live
my life any longer.
Wherever life takes us
I want you to know
that you will be with us
wherever we go.
And whenever I look
at the sky up above,
I think of you, Matt Row,
Forever My Love.

Chapter closed.

Well, it's official. Our home in New York closed today, and is now owned by someone else. On one hand, it's a relief - financially and emotionally, as it was one more set of things I needed to deal with. On the other hand, it's the official closing of a huge chapter in our lives that I never thought I would see come to an end.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

So gross... read at your own risk.

All the rain we're getting right now in Southern California reminds me of the last time we had measurable rain here a few weeks ago...

When the movers packed up our things, they also packed up a large, empty plastic garbage can that I intended to leave at our old house. Since I was already aware that the new place came with city-issued bins for trash, recycling and yard waste, I knew I wouldn't need it here. The garbage trucks around here have a mechanical arm that pick up the specific bin and dump it into the back of the truck. Even if I used that other garbage can from the old house, it wouldn't get emptied.  Until I figure out what to do with it, it's just been sitting outside next to the other bins.

So, a few weeks ago, we had quite a bit of rain, and since I didn't have the lid on the old garbage can, the water accumulated inside. I learned from my mother-in-law who lives in Arizona that you can use the rain water to water the plants in the house and yard to help conserve. Here I think I'm doing something good for the environment...

(OK, here's the gross part - don't click on "read more" if you don't think you can handle it.)

Friday, January 15, 2010


This morning I retrieved a voice mail message from my credit card company advising me of some potentially fraudulent transactions on my card. Being a little afraid that the message itself was fraudulent, I decided to call the number on the back of my credit card instead of the one they told me to call. Turns out, the call was legit.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Never say never...

What was that I said in my last post about no thunder and lightning storms here??

Just last night, I awoke to pounding rain, flashes of lightning that lit up the house, followed by rumbles of thunder. A phenomenon that does not happen often out here, but pretty ironic considering what I had just finished saying!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Moment of peace.

At night after the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, I like to go out to my backyard, stand on the deck for a few minutes, and take in the view.

The sky is usually clear, and there are a surprising amount of stars out for being in such a densely populated area. I would have thought that out here, where there is more ambient light, there wouldn't be as many stars visible as there were in the rural area I used to live in. I look at the beautiful king palms that I can see from the other side of the block. The perpetually blooming fuchsia bougainvillea that grow on the back of the house and the side of the privacy fence. The wooden play structure that Matt built for the kids that used to stand in our backyard in New York.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Almost forgot...

I said I was going to read this when I started feeling down again... 

Sweet relief, I'm starting to snap out of my funk. Phew!

Monday, January 4, 2010


Between my first birthday without Matt in October, the one year anniversary of Matt's death in November, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and all the other crap in between, it's been a rough freaking couple of months. It's bringing out a side of me that I don't like. The kind of side that despite all the love in my life, my beautiful children and the wonderful people around me, I'm still being ugly and hating the world. I'm hoping that once I get all this Christmas crap put away, I can get on with my life, and hopefully by the time October rolls around this year, I'll be better emotionally equipped to deal with it all again.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Love. Hope. Dreams.

OK, I admit I got on the computer a little bit during the time I said I was taking some time off, but if I don't write down the thoughts that are in my head, they swirl around in there, multiply, repeat, and keep me awake at night. So, if I wanted a decent night's sleep, I had to get on the computer... 

Anyway, LOVE. When it comes to relationships, I am slow to love, but love strong and forever. I picture it like this - I grow these little roots. With Matt, my roots started out short but strong.

Tonight's conversation made today worth it.

My original plan for today was to take all the Christmas stuff down and put it away, but since the move, the garage was still a disaster and needed put in some sort of order. I figured the best way to avoid making it more of a mess was to do that before I packed the Christmas stuff away again. Plus, I wanted to clear out the middle so I could set up a folding table for Jacob's new electric train set.

I should have known better than to try to undertake a project like this and expect to actually get it done with a five year old and a two year old under foot. Every time I would make some progress, they tore something else apart. Between that frustration, and the emotions that were stirred when I came across some of Matt's things, I was a mess and my nerves were completely shot to hell. His sneakers, gloves, hats, swim trunks, biking shorts, sandals... Each time I come across these things, it feels like he just died the day before. I end up saying the same things: "I can't believe it. I can't believe you died. Fucking nightmare. How can this be possible?" and on and on.

Jacob the Engineer, Sydney the Comedian

Jacob loves the Santa Fe train he got for Christmas. It's electric, and we're going to set it up on a table in the garage. While he's disappointed he didn't get two more train cars for his Polar Express, he's thrilled with the Santa Fe; especially since we saw the real thing while driving back from Arizona in November.

The other morning, Jacob woke up at the crack of dawn (as usual), and came into my room to show me his latest creation. He built an airplane/fighter jet out of Legos that could also "swim," and the person manning the craft was a woman. As he described to me all of the little working parts of the craft (the gas tanks, the propellers that turn from the little fan inside, and other amazing little details), he referred to the person in control as "she" and "her." I asked him who she was. We came up with the term "warrior" to best define her. Usually when boys do this type of pretend play/imagination stuff, isn't it usually a man that they dream up doing all the creating, fighting, building, winning? I think it's pretty cool (and somewhat significant) that he thinks of that person as female.

Sydney said the most hilarious thing yesterday - she often asks me, "What are you doing?" when I'm driving, eating, or other basic things. Yesterday while the three of us (well,  more like the two of us since Sydney doesn't like crab meat) were feasting on steamed crab legs and grilled salmon for dinner - a very special treat for Jacob and I - she asked me, "What are you doing?"

I answered, "I'm eating. What are you doing?"

She replied, "Uh, NOT eating."

HA! She is only two and a half, and she's already so witty with a great sense of humor.

(Jacob was watching me type this, and he was getting excited about the words he could recognize: Jacob, Sydney, Polar Express and even Santa Fe!)

One ending, and one beginning...

New Year's Eve was spent at my brother's house with his family. A great way to end 2009, and begin 2010.

Jacob insisted that we bring flowers to his cousin Madeline, so when we stopped at the store earlier that day, he picked out some beautiful pink daisies for her. What a sweet moment when he gave them to her - he was just as happy to give them to her as she was to receive them! Jacob and his cousin Daniel are becoming real buddies, too, which thrills me to no end.