My photo
Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Andrea, Unplugged.

I've got to step away from the computer for a while and focus on my kids, my house, myself, my responsibilities. Gonna work and play a lot, and looking forward to a new year. Happy New Year, everyone - see you in 2010!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's all relative...

Well, what one person thinks is really bad, isn't necessarily so bad to someone else. I guess since I've mostly been a "good" girl most of my life, I perceive some of the things I'm doing as "bad." So, perhaps I won't go straight to hell after all. =)- I'm just going through some sort of rebellious stage. Ugh. The freakin' stages. The best way I have found to describe my journey so far is three steps forward, one leap back. I know I'll get there someday; I just need a break once in a while.

I did feel better after getting all that off my chest in my last post. Plus, the love I got since has helped immensely. It also helps so much to know that I'm not the only one having these tormenting, conflicting, crazy thoughts and emotions, so thank you so much to those who responded (I knew there had to be someone else out there!). I'm very sorry that so many of you are able to understand first-hand, and have to endure this, too. And to those who don't understand, I am truly happy that you don't. I don't wish this on anyone.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Really struggling today...

I've probably been running on adrenaline with getting everything ready in preparation for the holidays, hosting Christmas Eve, being "on" for Christmas Day, pushing the pain aside, and yesterday and today I can feel myself falling fast. I'm spinning my wheels, moving in slow motion, and accomplishing nothing.

Friday, December 25, 2009

December 24 & 25, 2009

Yesterday's party was a huge success! I made lots of different recipes, and everything actually turned out delicious. I should have taken a picture of the table after I put all the food out. I never would have thought I could have pulled that off so well! Tons of our neighbors showed up, and some even brought their parents who were visiting for the holidays. It made me feel so good that so many people came, ate the food I prepared, and enjoyed each others company.

I loved having my house so full that you could barely walk from one room to the other. I loved hearing all the chatter with Christmas music playing in the background, and the loud noises from all the kids playing together. It reminded me of being at my grandmother's house for Christmas Eve when I was little. It was wonderful to finally get to meet my new friend Katrina and her four beautiful children. It was a blast playing Santa, handing out gifts to the kids, and seeing how excited they got when they opened them.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ho Ho Ho

I've been up and down like a freaking yo yo, and even more so with the holidays.

A few weeks ago, I decided to host an open house/Christmas Eve party at my new place. Sort of like a Christmasy housewarming party. I've invited (by word of mouth) some of my neighbors who I've become friends with, and some of the families that Jacob goes to school with. I've also invited the woman I mentioned in a recent post whose husband died two years ago, leaving her and her four children. I'll be posting more about her soon...

My brother and his family will be in northern California at his in-laws, but I'm fairly certain a lot of people are going to show up, including at least a dozen kids.

By last week, I was cursing myself, wondering what the hell was I thinking hosting a big party on Christmas Eve when I can't keep my shit together on just a normal day.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Resolutions...

It's hard to believe that Christmas of 2009 is only three days away. I have to say, for as rotten as this year has been, it really has flown. I've been pretty damn busy, and I'm sure that helped! I'm actually relieved that this year is almost over with. I'm going to try to look at 2010 as another fresh start.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Not ready.

OK, since my "Jealousy" post, I've gotten some suspect comments on my blog from singles networks, etc. For the record, as lonely as I am, I'm just not ready to get involved with another man (or woman, for the record!), so please - no more links to singles or matchmaking sites, or anything else of the sort. Thanks, anyway.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Matthew Richard Row, WHY did you have to leave me?!?!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Grand Finale.

The closing for our home in upstate NY was originally scheduled for December 15, but was changed to December 28 since the buyers were going out of town. Today, I took all the real estate closing documents to a notary to get finalized and sent back to the attorney.

As I stood there signing my name in about 20 different places, it occurred to me that with each signature (literally signing my life away), I'm further away from the home that Matt and I built together and started our life in. The home in which we brought first Jacob to, and then Sydney. The home we made wonderful memories in and filled with love. Signing those documents ended up to be tougher than I thought it would be.

I flashed back so vividly to when Matt and I sat together at the large rectangular table in an office where we signed our names in about 50 different places to start our home together. I remember feeling the emotions from that moment - stomach-flipping excitement, stress about now holding a mortgage, but mostly happiness and feeling so grown up.

As I was signing today, it was the first time I felt a twinge of regret, thinking maybe I should have stayed there and held onto it for the kids since their daddy built it, but the feeling only lasted for a moment. I know I made the right decision for us at this time in our lives.

It's just so hard to let go. Our beautiful home. Our beautiful life.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jealousy

It can make people downright ugly. I've been ugly lately, and I don't like myself very much right now because of it.

Before Matt died, I felt like I had the world by the ass, and I was always grateful for it - loving marriage to a smart, fun, handsome man, two healthy children conceived easily, a boy and a girl no less, beautiful house, a great metabolism, fulfilling job, we could pay our bills on time, etc. Although I thought I paid my dues with the miscarriages and other various life crap that everyone has to deal with in some capacity, I had no idea what I was in store for.

I miss my husband. I miss my best friend, my partner, my lover, father of my children. I'm pissed that he died at the prime of my life. Isn't that selfish of me? Couldn't it have happened AFTER I got old, wrinkled and lost my sex drive? I was 25 when I met Matt. God only knows how long it will be until I meet another good (single) man. One that will not only meet my rediculously picky standards, but who will also accept me in my late thirties, be a good father figure to my two young children, and be able to deal with not only the quirks that I've always had, but the baggage I now carry of being a widow. It's a tall order. As I'm writing this post, I was thinking that a lot of what I'm thinking is very similar to what I've written in the past (here).

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Holiday Presentation Today

Jacob performed with the kindergarten class for their annual holiday presentation at school. He had been practicing at home for the past couple of weeks, and it was the cutest thing to see. I love hearing his sweet little voice singing - I'm relishing in the innocence of it before he starts getting embarrassed by having someone hear him sing, or if he starts thinking it's "uncool." They choreographed movements to go along with the music, and he had all that down, too. They sang Jingle Bells, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Ten Little Angels, and one or two other numbers that I can't remember.

Uncle Bryan was able to go with Sydney and me to watch Jacob perform. What a sweet uncle to leave work so he could be there with us. Jacob was thrilled to see him there, too. Most of the parents in Jacob's class now know that his daddy died, so when I walked in there with my brother (whom they haven't met yet), I got a few looks - I could tell they were trying to figure out who he was. Watching the parents - the complete sets of moms and dads walking from the parking lot to the school, some hand in hand, triggered the familiar stab in my heart that Matt isn't walking beside me to see his little boy in such a big moment. It did help having my brother with me, though.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Remembering...

It was ten years ago today that you asked me to marry you. That was by far one of the best days of my life. All the best days of my life were with you.

I'll never forget when we were driving back from Niagara Falls after you proposed, turning to you and saying, "I can't believe that not only did I finally get to meet such a wonderful man and fall in love, but to have him feel the exact same way about me as I do about him is the best feeling in the world... and to have him not only want to date me, but want to spend the rest of his life with me, too!" It was the first time I cried tears of joy (I never understood 'crying tears of joy' until then).

I miss you so much, My Love.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

This was Matt's favorite holiday movie. We watched it faithfully every year, and every year it was just as funny as the year before.

When we got rid of our VHS player, I bought him the DVD for Christmas (last year) - well in advance of Christmas because the Christmas before that, they were sold out and I couldn't find one anywhere. He was one of the hardest people I knew to buy for, so to find something I know he would like that he didn't already buy for himself was a real thrill. Unfortunately, he never ended up getting it. I was looking forward to watching it this year, but now I can't find it. It's gotta be around here somewhere...

Anyway, I reminded myself of Chevy Chase today... you know that scene when he's working so hard putting up a million Christmas lights, and the big moment comes (drumroll, please), he plugs them in, and.........................................................................

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Fate, traditions

We have been living in California now for almost four months, and while I miss the family and friends I left behind on the East coast very much, I have not felt regret with my decision. In fact, I keep getting little reinforcements here and there that I made the right (albeit admittedly rash) decision to move across the country.

There is no way I can go back to the life I enjoyed. It ceased existence on November 15, 2008. It could never be good for me there anymore without Matt to share it with. I can't run away from grief, but at least now I get a break from it here and there. There was an association everywhere I turned - in the house we built together, the places we went together, the people we hung out with regularly, the traditions we had for holidays.

Standing with the kids in front of his aunt and uncle's tree without Matt was pure torture last year as we posed for the traditional holiday picture that each individual family does on Christmas day. So was sitting at their dinner table with the whole gang and not have Matt sitting next to me.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A little funny...

Right now, we are decorating the house for Christmas while listening to Christmas music... The kids are so full of Christmas spirit that it's hard to be depressed while they're lit up brighter than the tree and dancing around with huge smiles on their faces.

The song "Little Drummer Boy" came on and I told Jacob that this is one of my favorite Christmas songs. He said he really likes it, too. I told him the title of the song, and he asked,

"Who is the little drummer boy?"

I explained to him that it's a little boy who played the drum for baby Jesus. He replied,

"He played the drum at Chucky Cheeses?"

HAHAHA!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thanksgiving 2009

Matt has three older brothers - one lives in Arizona, one in San Diego and another in New Mexico. Chris and Wendy who live in New Mexico hosted Thanksgiving this year, so this past Tuesday the kids and I drove to Arizona to meet up with Matt's parents, his brother Jeff and his new girlfriend LaRay (his new, wonderful, normal, down-to-earth girlfriend - hurray!!), and Jeff's boys Jeffrey and Michael. We spent the night in AZ and then we all took off for New Mexico on Wednesday.