I've probably been running on adrenaline with getting everything ready in preparation for the holidays, hosting Christmas Eve, being "on" for Christmas Day, pushing the pain aside, and yesterday and today I can feel myself falling fast. I'm spinning my wheels, moving in slow motion, and accomplishing nothing.
I've had this horrible urge lately to self destruct - drink, start smoking again, and do some bad things out of character in a search to make myself feel better somehow. Nothing is working. What I'd love to do is just get out of my own skin for a while. How do I do that?
I miss Matt more and more every day, but I think I'm entering a really angry stage. I know that the things I've been doing and want to do are things that Matt would probably frown upon, but I almost feel like shaking my fist at him and saying, "So what are you gonna do about it? Screw you, buddy - you're the one who left. " Isn't that horrible of me? Like I'm challenging him to get a rise out of him somehow. Who knows. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I thought this was supposed to get easier with time.
Don't worry - I know I'll snap out of it. I won't do anything too stupid. I hesitated to even post this, but I'm pretty certain there's at least one person out there that might benefit from knowing that they aren't the only ones losing their mind from grief and loneliness...