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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Really struggling today...

I've probably been running on adrenaline with getting everything ready in preparation for the holidays, hosting Christmas Eve, being "on" for Christmas Day, pushing the pain aside, and yesterday and today I can feel myself falling fast. I'm spinning my wheels, moving in slow motion, and accomplishing nothing.

I've had this horrible urge lately to self destruct - drink, start smoking again, and do some bad things out of  character in a search to make myself feel better somehow. Nothing is working.  What I'd love to do is just get out of my own skin for a while. How do I do that?

I miss Matt more and more every day, but I think I'm entering a really angry stage. I know that the things I've been doing and want to do are things that Matt would probably frown upon, but I almost feel like shaking my fist at him and saying, "So what are you gonna do about it? Screw you, buddy - you're the one who left. " Isn't that horrible of me? Like I'm challenging him to get a rise out of him somehow. Who knows. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I thought this was supposed to get easier with time.

Don't worry - I know I'll snap out of it. I won't do anything too stupid. I hesitated to even post this, but I'm pretty certain there's at least one person out there that might benefit from knowing that they aren't the only ones losing their mind from grief and loneliness...


bokallolie said...

I've been reading your blog for a while, but I felt I just had to say something on this. I can tell you I am for sure, at least, your one person.
Anger has become my best friend, and I've been doing things completely out of character. I do things almost just so I can get a rise out of my Warren; just like you said, just so I can say "So what? What the hell are you going to do about it?" It's draining. But I keep doing it anyway. You've pretty much said it all, but know, that I'm there with you. Angry fists pumping at heaven and all.


Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

right there with you.

Boo said...

Andrea, please don't feel bad for the way you are feeling. It is what it is ... anger, guilt and all the other demons that visit us along this godawful journey we are on ... like you, I managed to get through Christmas Day, and the following day I fell apart on a primal level ... I just had to scream and howl and grieve, let it out and spend myself till it was gone (almost - because it is never gone!) ... you have on top of what I did, hosted a great evening, been a wonderful Mom for the big day and kept yourself busy for the duration. You obviously stood still for a nanosecond and the demons took advantage. But you have to let them visit ... otherwise you will get very ill.

The fact that you are talking about drinking and smoking tells me you probably won't ... and even if you do smoke, you'll probably be sick LOL, so that will stop THAT ... and the occasional drink never hurt anyone. You are far too wonderful a mother to take it further - I know that beyond doubt.

I am so proud of you. Let the feelings out - you are allowed to and you have every right to feel the way you do, my friend.


HeidiDater said...

(((hugs))) I can't even imagine what you are feeling, but I am here for you, and just a phone call away. Love you!

Heather said...

It has been almost 23 months since James died and I too have had many moments of wanting to act out-to be anyone but me. And of course, these moments come with the little voice saying how much James would hate it, to which I respond "You no longer get a vote. If you wanted to have an opinion, you shouldn't have died."

The anger can be pretty scary and so very tempting to act on. And it does make it seem like this will never get any easier. The amount of time between fits does seem to be getting longer however.

Hang in there!


Crash Course Widow said...

I've found that it's either the anticipation before an event (and Christmas in those first few years of widowhood certainly count as an "event," and then some) or the letdown after the event that are the worst; the event itself isn't usually the hardest part. So I'm totally not surprised that you're struggling right now. It sounds so much like I did in the second year, after moving out of "our" house, etc. I thought "recovery" and getting better was mostly a force of will and simply making it through that first awful year; the rest would all be uphill and better. But then I found out that the grief still comes, that it doesn't go away just because I think it already should have, or because I moved and was supposedly doing better, excited for my future (back in the crazy days when I was going to have another baby, via a fertility clinic and anonymous sperm donor).

And ooooooooohhhhhhhhh, did I have an angry stage. "Angry stage" is probably putting it mildly, actually. The second year and through probably the third year were when I was eaten alive by fury. I was so mad at Charley for doing this, for crashing into the pole and dying on me and getting the easy way out (even if it was never intentional). The anger was a life force into itself...and something a lot of people couldn't really understand or fathom. It wasn't logical in any way, but to me, all "this"--widowhood, the sadness, the loneliness, the broken life and end of all our dreams--was his fault.

There wasn't any easy or quick way through it. I think it lasted 1-2 years, easily, and it still rears its ugly head sometimes. It's interesting; my widow friends whose spouse died of a terminal illness don't seem to have much anger at the dead spouse, while those of us whose spouse died in an accident often do have more anger. Anger sure isn't a pretty part of grieving--people tend to understand and respond better to sadness, tears, and depression--but it sure is a real, visceral part of the process.

Hang in there, girl. It does get easier, eventually; it just takes a hell of a lot longer than you'd like to think or that anyone will tell you. But I promise, it does get better and easier.

Lots of hugs to you and the kids. xoxo, Candice

Danielle said...

I am so sorry. Hang in there!

Sandy said...

Andrea ~

I hate the finality of death. Thinking of my passed loved ones during the Holidays made me think of you and pray for you my (stranger) friend.

I dont have words to make you feel better but youre not too far from my thoughts.

Next time your buzzed on-line tweet me and Ill drink with ya!

Robin said...

Sunday reeeeallly was awful for me too. Same takes so much to get through those days that when it's over, all the emotion and pain comes crashing down. If there is one thing I know for sure now though, it's that tomorrow is a new on the hard days I just deal with the pain and know that tomorrow might be a better day. It's a rollercoaster Andrea. Stay strong and don't turn to things that will harm you. You have to fight your way through it.

Meghan said...

Hey Andrea,

Sunday was a hard day for me too. I wish I could say it gets easier... but it never gets easier... it just fades little by little. Over time you'll see the pain is always there, its just in the background. Christmas is the hardest time of year for me too. Seeing everyone and their families makes you angry yours was taken away. And it's completely understandable!!! I am laughing at bokallolie and the Angry fists pumping at Heaven... too funny!

Anonymous said...

I am 3 years out and completely understand how are you are feeling.

Just wanted you to know there are others feeling the same.

AndreaRenee said...

Thank you so much for your comments, everyone. Knowing I'm not alone is a help, and it also helps to just get a little bit of love. I need all I can get about now. Sending love back to all of you. xoxo