It can make people downright ugly. I've been ugly lately, and I don't like myself very much right now because of it.
Before Matt died, I felt like I had the world by the ass, and I was always grateful for it - loving marriage to a smart, fun, handsome man, two healthy children conceived easily, a boy and a girl no less, beautiful house, a great metabolism, fulfilling job, we could pay our bills on time, etc. Although I thought I paid my dues with the miscarriages and other various life crap that everyone has to deal with in some capacity, I had no idea what I was in store for.
I miss my husband. I miss my best friend, my partner, my lover, father of my children. I'm pissed that he died at the prime of my life. Isn't that selfish of me? Couldn't it have happened AFTER I got old, wrinkled and lost my sex drive? I was 25 when I met Matt. God only knows how long it will be until I meet another good (single) man. One that will not only meet my rediculously picky standards, but who will also accept me in my late thirties, be a good father figure to my two young children, and be able to deal with not only the quirks that I've always had, but the baggage I now carry of being a widow. It's a tall order. As I'm writing this post, I was thinking that a lot of what I'm thinking is very similar to what I've written in the past (here).
I find myself feeling these horrible twinges of discomfort deep down in my stomach when I think about what I've lost. How I only had Matt for ten short years, and now it's over. How unfair it is that I'm back to feeling those same familiar feelings of loneliness from before I met Matt, wondering if there will ever come a time in my life when I can go longer than a ten year stretch of being in a fulfilling relationship. I've got tons of friends and family - that's not the issue. For me, what's missing is the feeling of being able to share my heart with a man, have it kept safe, having each others' backs. A deep voice to talk to, someone to hold, kiss, love and love me back.
Just a few months ago, I preached to some friends about how it's always been my policy to not be jealous of people who seem to have everything because no one has it all. It's just the way of the world. And if they do, something will inevitably come along and fuck it up. No one knows what anyone has in store for their future. Life intervenes and evens the score. Always. All we can do in the meantime is count our blessings and appreciate what we have when we have it.
I need to take my own advice.
I have also always felt that carrying feelings of jealousy toward another person can potentially bring harm to that person or to themselves. I don't know where I got that, but it's just something I've always felt. Sometimes I wonder if there were people that were jealous of Matt, or of me, and it could have contributed to his death. Crazy, I know.
Turns out that the thing I'm jealous of is people who aren't lonely. Where is the sense in that? It goes against everything I believe in. I would look at happy couples and think, "I really hope they appreciate what they have because it could be gone in an instant." Thinking that in a truly sincere way. Now, I feel these horrible twinges. I want it to stop. I want to be happy with just my kids, my family, my friends - all the reasons I should be happy.
I've always believed that everyone should make their own happiness - not expect anyone else to make it for them. Happiness comes from within, and all that other bullshit. I do still believe that, but what it comes down to, is since I've had a big taste of what it's like to be happy with someone else, I don't think I want to live the rest of my life without that.