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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jealousy

It can make people downright ugly. I've been ugly lately, and I don't like myself very much right now because of it.

Before Matt died, I felt like I had the world by the ass, and I was always grateful for it - loving marriage to a smart, fun, handsome man, two healthy children conceived easily, a boy and a girl no less, beautiful house, a great metabolism, fulfilling job, we could pay our bills on time, etc. Although I thought I paid my dues with the miscarriages and other various life crap that everyone has to deal with in some capacity, I had no idea what I was in store for.

I miss my husband. I miss my best friend, my partner, my lover, father of my children. I'm pissed that he died at the prime of my life. Isn't that selfish of me? Couldn't it have happened AFTER I got old, wrinkled and lost my sex drive? I was 25 when I met Matt. God only knows how long it will be until I meet another good (single) man. One that will not only meet my rediculously picky standards, but who will also accept me in my late thirties, be a good father figure to my two young children, and be able to deal with not only the quirks that I've always had, but the baggage I now carry of being a widow. It's a tall order. As I'm writing this post, I was thinking that a lot of what I'm thinking is very similar to what I've written in the past (here).

I find myself feeling these horrible twinges of discomfort deep down in my stomach when I think about what I've lost. How I only had Matt for ten short years, and now it's over. How unfair it is that I'm back to feeling those same familiar feelings of loneliness from before I met Matt, wondering if there will ever come a time in my life when I can go longer than a ten year stretch of being in a fulfilling relationship. I've got tons of friends and family - that's not the issue. For me, what's missing is the feeling of being able to share my heart with a man, have it kept safe, having each others' backs. A deep voice to talk to, someone to hold, kiss, love and love me back.

Just a few months ago, I preached to some friends about how it's always been my policy to not be jealous of people who seem to have everything because no one has it all. It's just the way of the world. And if they do, something will inevitably come along and fuck it up. No one knows what anyone has in store for their future. Life intervenes and evens the score. Always. All we can do in the meantime is count our blessings and appreciate what we have when we have it.

I need to take my own advice.

I have also always felt that carrying feelings of jealousy toward another person can potentially bring harm to that person or to themselves. I don't know where I got that, but it's just something I've always felt. Sometimes I wonder if there were people that were jealous of Matt, or of me, and it could have contributed to his death. Crazy, I know.

Turns out that the thing I'm jealous of is people who aren't lonely. Where is the sense in that? It goes against everything I believe in. I would look at happy couples and think, "I really hope they appreciate what they have because it could be gone in an instant." Thinking that in a truly sincere way. Now, I feel these horrible twinges. I want it to stop. I want to be happy with just my kids, my family, my friends - all the reasons I should be happy.

I've always believed that everyone should make their own happiness - not expect anyone else to make it for them. Happiness comes from within, and all that other bullshit. I do still believe that, but what it comes down to, is since I've had a big taste of what it's like to be happy with someone else, I don't think I want to live the rest of my life without that.

10 comments:

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

took the words right out of my mouth ...."How unfair it is that I'm back to feeling those same familiar feelings of loneliness from before I met Matt, wondering if there will ever come a time in my life when I can go longer than a ten year stretch of being in a fulfilling relationship."

Shannon said...

That is NOT being selfish at all...it's being reasonable and truthful. I wish I could help you. I wish I knew a good looking, well to do, single, strong guy that I could send your way. Unfortuneately my dear, there aren't too many good men out there anymore. Unless you want a smooth talker like Tiger Woods, who tells you what you want to hear and has a family at home waiting...it's hard the older we get to find people. I have NO DOUBT that you won't meet some one nice, it's just going to take a little longer I am sure. Hang in there and focus on the important things in life right now, your family. All the rest will fall into place...when you least expect it!

Joy said...

There is no way that this is not the worst, horrible, unfair situatiion ever. I continue to pray for you. Joy

Danielle said...

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think that everyone feels that way at some point. The hand of cards you have been dealt just make it more painful for you right now.
I am jealous of you because you have known "Real Love" with a partner. I have never experienced that except with my daughter. Stay strong, you are wonderful.

Michele Neff Hernandez said...

Just like you said Andrea...you never know what life holds for you. That applies to both the bad and the good, too. There is something really good for you down the track my friend. I believe that %100, it may be unimaginable, but it is NOT impossible.

Thinking of you.

Heather said...

Well, considering I could have written your post myself (except for the children), I certainly don't think you are being selfish.

I met James 10 years ago next week when I was 25 at a point when I wondered if I was destined to be alone. I was blessed to have his love for 8 years and now I sit here, 22 1/2 months since he died, about to turn 36 wondering once again if I am destined to be alone and trying to comprehend how in just 10 short years, I ended up right back where I started.

It is the cute little old couples I find myself jealous of.

I think it is very common, and natural, for those who have loved and lost and who know how good life and love can be to want that again.

((Andrea))

Sandy said...

Andrea -

I think in the end its not Jealousy you are feeling but the acknowledgment that life can be so sweet and love can be so fulfilling.

My hope for you is that in the time you are alone the feelings of loneliness will be limited and that your life will be filled with laughter, joy, and new experience until the time comes when you open the next chapter.

Robin said...

It sucks Andrea. No doubt about it. You know what pisses me off? So many people in unhappy relationships, guys who cheat on their wive, and vise versa,people in general who are just rotten,terrible people who don't appreciate anything they have.....they get to live their miserable lives and our husbands lost theirs. I am not wishing death on anyone, just stating that the whole thing is just not right. I don't really feel jealous too often....I feel more just plain angry for what has been taken away. On that happy note, hugs to you!!

Tara said...

You spoke my heart exactly..... I posted a link to your blog in my post, hope that's ok! Thanks for being so honest, it allowed me to share my heart as well...

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

Andrea - you hit the nail on the head, and it's not selfish, it's normal. Sometimes though, I think about all those seemingly happy couples that are truly lonely too... I think I was more lonely when I was at the tail-end of my marriage than I have ever been and it's simply because it wasn't right. I am completely envious of happy couples, but in truth, I know it takes work too. My biggest beef is being in my late 30s and wondering when and if I'll ever truly find someone who speaks to my soul and will love my children as much as I do... it's a tall, tall order. And that's what gets me the most about being alone and it makes being lonely more possible. Life is so not fair Andrea, so not fair. But as you said in a later post, maybe 2010 will bring more light... let it shine, let it shine!