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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"You think too much."

Matt used to tell me that, and he's right.

Lately, I've been thinking about how in that one moment of him being taken away from us how it's altered the lives he touched forever. How his children's personalities, paths, interests, futures will be different than if he was still here and influencing them. I know one way they'll be changed for sure is there will be a huge void. They will grow up in California instead of New York (like Matt did until he was 14). Their mommy isn't as happy-go-lucky as she once was.

I think about how Jacob's walk sounds just like his daddy's... Step, click. Step, click. Just like Matt's. It's like hearing Matt walking around, but since Jacob's legs are a bit shorter right now, it's a faster paced 'step, click.'

I imagine hearing Matt's voice, the sounds of him getting up before everyone else and going about his morning routine... the rustling of the Shredded Wheat bag, and his "one man band" noises (as I used to call them).

The kids and I looked at pictures tonight and reminisced. It was sadder than usual for me - Jacob's memories are fading. I had no one to share the memories in the pictures with me to fill in the gaps. Matt always filled in the gaps. Hell - he was the one that was good at telling the stories, and I was the one to fill in a few gaps here and there.

Matt knew me better than anyone. No one will know me as well as he did, or love me the way that he did.

Sometimes I think that he got the easy way out, being the one that died...

7 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

(((Hugs))) Andrea. I can relate to everything you've said. I'll be thinking of you over the next days and wishing you strength to get through. And I know you will, 'cause that's what we do, through all the pain and heartache. Take care of yourself and keep breathing.

Kristi said...

Have you read Tammy Trent's book, "Learning to Breath Again"?

Shannon said...

Andrea...
First I will give you a hug.
NOW... I will tell you to re-read what you wrote! You might feel like Matt got the easy part of the deal, but think of our kids. They are the reasons you haven't went off the deep end yet. Always look to them for sopport. I really have no room to comment as far as losing a spouse, because I couldn't even imagine! I know how hard it's been with losing my sister! But you are all your children have, which is MORE stress! Because you have to be strong for them! So you are probably thinking, "When is my time to crack?" I hear ya! I can't even imagine how alone you must feel. I am sure no words I could say could ever fill the void! Please know Andrea, my heart is there with you and the kids. I am here if you need me.

jeana said...

I just wanted to say - I love you!

Boo said...

Andrea, I will always remember when I read Stephanie Erikson's "Companion through the Darkness" where she says, the dead don't have to pay bills or put the trash out.

Have you read it? It's very good, with very dark humour ...

yes, I know and agree with what you said. The fact is we will never feel the same again, and that makes me unbearably sad.

Crash Course Widow said...

I often think that Charley definitely got the easy way out. He got his perfect, happy ending: a good marriage, a beautiful child, a quick and painless death when he wasn't old and in pain all the time. Yea for freakin' him. But I'm the one stuck here dealing with it all, when none of it was my fault. Sure accounted for a lot of my anger in year 2 and 3, that's for sure.

Nothing much extra to say, other than I, too, think WAAAAAAAY too much. But what else is there to do when I've been 'stuck' at home with a small child, single and alone, for 4 years now? There's nothing to do BUT think.

Hang in there, hon. Sending you many, many hugs this week.... xoxo

Robin said...

Andrea I also think that my husband got the easy way out. I have that feeling simultaneously with feeling lucky to raise my children and continue to look at their faces and experience life with them everyday. I also feel angry that I am "left" with everything and so much responsibility. Being a widow is not easy, especially for people who think too much :-). Peace to you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.