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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Time.

I have these high/low moments - constantly - alternating between being happy to be living here in my beautiful new home, in this wonderful neighborhood with my incredible kids and this kick-ass weather with so many fun things to do, etc... to wishing I could go back to my life when Matt was in it. I miss him so much. Last night I was laying in bed, and imagined for a few minutes that he was laying next to me, that I could hear the sound of the CPAP machine he used, that I had just imagined all this nightmarish stuff and things were back the way they should be. We were back in NY, kids sleeping in their rooms in our old house, Matt next to me where I could touch his feet with mine. It felt so good for just a few moments to be back in my old life again.

I would give anything to be able to be in his big, strong, safe arms again. To hold his hand with our fingers intertwined. His hand fit so comfortably and perfectly in mine (the last time we held hands, I almost told him how good his hand felt in mine. I should have said it outloud). To feel the security of our love. I miss being loved by him. I miss that more than anything. I'm still sorting through our things, rearranging, trying to get everything to fit into our little home and not have to give up anymore of his things... So each time I see/touch his biking gloves, or his shirts, shorts, the laundry still in his hamper (I still can't bring myself to do anything with them), all the beautiful things he made for us, the things he fixed - the list goes on and on - it makes me feel closer to him, but it makes me ache.

I'm so thankful that I can be home with my sweet girlie. This time I have with her is so incredibly precious. I know I'm her mommy and I'm partial, but I can't help but think she is the most intelligent, beautiful, soulful little girl I've ever known. A lot of that has to do with having her big brother around, who interacts so wonderfully with her and who is aware that he is teaching her with everything he does and says. Some may have to do with me being with her all day, and part of it is what she has inherited genetically from her daddy and me, and from the impact of her life experiences thus far.

It's painful to think that a whole year has passed since I last saw Matt, but with each passing day I know I'm closer to seeing him again. It makes every day a little easier to deal with. It makes me not care about getting older. Another year older? Hell. I consider myself lucky to be here another year. Sometimes. Usually.

I do feel that getting past this one year milestone, somehow the fog is being lifted a little bit - only in the way that the anticipation of the one year mark was all I could think about for the past several weeks. It still is, but for some reason (thank goodness), I've got my head a little more together... I finally got all the crap with the DMV squared away (finally have California license plates!!), and am chipping away at the other daunting tasks that have been looming over my head. So many details to take care of - complications and obstacles that I just haven't dealt with because I haven't had the strength or wherewithal to give even too much thought to.
Little by little...

11 comments:

Shannon said...

Oh Andrea...my heart aches for you so much. It's funny how much we take for granted in life, until we see someone else suffering over something we have so easy. I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart and it's so unfair. You two seemed like the PERFECT couple. It should not have happened to you. You DO have a good outlook on life. One day closer to being with Matt. And always remember, your children were a precious gift from him. They are what is going to get you through. Lots of hugs Andrea!

Suddenwidow said...

Andrea,
As I read your post my heart is literally aching because I recognize so many of the emotions and yearnings you are describing. This journey we're on is so hard, but we are lucky to have our kids, our husbands' living legacies and the way they live on into the future. I just wish our kids had their Dads so much longer, like we all imagined when we dreamed what our future would be like when we first held those babies in our arms. We have learned the very hard way that life is difficult and not fair.

Sometimes the burden of having to go on without my husband seems overwhelming. But knowing that there are others out there, like you, going through similar realities and emotions, and yet still moving forward, continues to inspire me. Thank you.

Debbie

Glenda said...

Andrea... what a beautiful post! The lil things that we take for granted are the lil things you are missing the most now. You open my eyes every time I read one of your post. You are an inspiration. So strong for the kiddos. They will be so proud of their mommy. Your son sounds like my son. Independent and the role model your lil girl looks up to. My daughter looks up to her brother, and always wants to be like him. I'm so happy that things are going good in CA. Hang in there and stay strong! Sending you hugs XXX

HeidiDater said...

I'm glad you got those CA plate finally! I was really afraid for the person who told you "no, you can't get your plates yet"!!!

letterstoelias said...

Hi Andrea,

I've been thinking of you so often recently, with the year mark passing.

As Debbie said, I relate so much to what you describe. I, too, was just thinking of how each day I'm here gets me closer to seeing Elias again. Makes things a 'little' easier.

And I trust that Matt had the same feeling holding your hand - one of the nice things about a relationship like yours (from the sounds of things anyhow), is though it wasn't spoken out loud all the time, it didn't really need to be. Your words may not have spoke of it, but your energy did. He knew.

~C~

Amy from VA said...

I love that your children are one half of your husband and that *nothing* can take that away. Thanks for your posts, Andrea. I know that you are helping others with your stories and memories.

Danielle said...

You are just amazing. Always remember at least that.

Jill said...

I heard a new Alicia Keys song today and thought of you, it's called "Try sleeping with a broken heart" it made me feel sad. The lyrics go "I'm gonna find a way to make it, without you"

You are so strong Andrea, you will make it and stay strong no matter what.

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said...

"With each passing year, I am closer to him..." What a wonderful sentiment. Closing your eyes and remembering, feeling, touching... I'm so sorry Andrea. So sorry. You are beautiful soul bound to another beautiful soul, beyond death. That love is a power greater than death. Maybe it's not so comforting in those moments of grief, but hopefully knowing it helps getting up and going a bit easier. My prayers are with you sweetie.

Mel said...

Well done, dear Andrea. You're doing it. It takes a lot to keep (most) of life stuff together alone, and you're being a great parent on top of it all.

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

Andrea, I'm right there with you ...dealing, coping, taking care of our children and just trying to make it without him.

peace to you.

Sarah
www.stillafamily.net