I would give anything to be able to be in his big, strong, safe arms again. To hold his hand with our fingers intertwined. His hand fit so comfortably and perfectly in mine (the last time we held hands, I almost told him how good his hand felt in mine. I should have said it outloud). To feel the security of our love. I miss being loved by him. I miss that more than anything. I'm still sorting through our things, rearranging, trying to get everything to fit into our little home and not have to give up anymore of his things... So each time I see/touch his biking gloves, or his shirts, shorts, the laundry still in his hamper (I still can't bring myself to do anything with them), all the beautiful things he made for us, the things he fixed - the list goes on and on - it makes me feel closer to him, but it makes me ache.
I'm so thankful that I can be home with my sweet girlie. This time I have with her is so incredibly precious. I know I'm her mommy and I'm partial, but I can't help but think she is the most intelligent, beautiful, soulful little girl I've ever known. A lot of that has to do with having her big brother around, who interacts so wonderfully with her and who is aware that he is teaching her with everything he does and says. Some may have to do with me being with her all day, and part of it is what she has inherited genetically from her daddy and me, and from the impact of her life experiences thus far.
It's painful to think that a whole year has passed since I last saw Matt, but with each passing day I know I'm closer to seeing him again. It makes every day a little easier to deal with. It makes me not care about getting older. Another year older? Hell. I consider myself lucky to be here another year. Sometimes. Usually.
I do feel that getting past this one year milestone, somehow the fog is being lifted a little bit - only in the way that the anticipation of the one year mark was all I could think about for the past several weeks. It still is, but for some reason (thank goodness), I've got my head a little more together... I finally got all the crap with the DMV squared away (finally have California license plates!!), and am chipping away at the other daunting tasks that have been looming over my head. So many details to take care of - complications and obstacles that I just haven't dealt with because I haven't had the strength or wherewithal to give even too much thought to.
Little by little...