This song by Etta James was our wedding song. It was so fitting for us because we met each other in our mid/late twenties, when we both were beginning to lose hope that we'd ever find the "one." We were both so grateful when we finally did, and were grateful the whole time we were together. What a short ride.
The only time I'd hear this song is when I listened to the CD (which I did often), and I only tortured myself with the song once or twice shortly after Matt died.
There's a station here in Cali that plays it quite often - I must have heard it at least three times already in the month and a half I've been here. Hearing this song used to invoke a sentimental, warm, fuzzy feeling in me. Now, somehow at the very same time, it makes me feel empty, lost, angry, sad, hopeless. How it's possible to feel all that at the same time, I don't know. How it's possible to not crash while driving and bawling, I don't know that, either.
Time does not heal. Maybe it does for some things, but when it comes to grieving the death your spouse, that's a big crock of shit. I am still in disbelief that Matt is gone and that I'll never get to see him, hug him, kiss him, talk to him ever again, and it's almost a year now. Can you believe that? Almost an entire year ago already. One month from today. At least I know I can survive, smile, laugh and even have moments when I feel happy, but that pain? It will always be there, no matter what good ever happens in my life.
You would think that in that amount of time, the pain would lessen. It almost seems like with this one year mark approaching that it's making it seem even more fresh. Every night, I vividly dream that I'm missing Matt, grieving his loss all night. I wake up exhausted, only to grieve him all day, too. Time for one of those emotionally numbing breaks and hoping it comes soon.