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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

At Last.

This song by Etta James was our wedding song. It was so fitting for us because we met each other in our mid/late twenties, when we both were beginning to lose hope that we'd ever find the "one." We were both so grateful when we finally did, and were grateful the whole time we were together. What a short ride.

The only time I'd hear this song is when I listened to the CD (which I did often), and I only tortured myself with the song once or twice shortly after Matt died.

There's a station here in Cali that plays it quite often - I must have heard it at least three times already in the month and a half I've been here. Hearing this song used to invoke a sentimental, warm, fuzzy feeling in me. Now, somehow at the very same time, it makes me feel empty, lost, angry, sad, hopeless. How it's possible to feel all that at the same time, I don't know. How it's possible to not crash while driving and bawling, I don't know that, either.

Time does not heal. Maybe it does for some things, but when it comes to grieving the death your spouse, that's a big crock of shit. I am still in disbelief that Matt is gone and that I'll never get to see him, hug him, kiss him, talk to him ever again, and it's almost a year now. Can you believe that? Almost an entire year ago already. One month from today. At least I know I can survive, smile, laugh and even have moments when I feel happy, but that pain? It will always be there, no matter what good ever happens in my life.

You would think that in that amount of time, the pain would lessen. It almost seems like with this one year mark approaching that it's making it seem even more fresh. Every night, I vividly dream that I'm missing Matt, grieving his loss all night. I wake up exhausted, only to grieve him all day, too. Time for one of those emotionally numbing breaks and hoping it comes soon.


Joy said...

Andrea I cannot even imagine how hard this is, I will say a prayer for you.

Atlanta, GA

mamajsc said...

I agree. Time does NOT heal all wounds. We can't get around the pain of a loss. We have to get THROUGH it. The more we fight it (I did at times, and I fought HARD to avoid the feelings), the more prolonged the pain. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I know those words may seem empty and trite, but I do mean it. It sucks and it hurts and it sideswipes you when you least expect it. And in ways you can't possibly control - like songs on the radio, etc. Wishing you healing and peace.

Crash Course Widow said...

The pain does lessen, for what it's worth. It won't always be the same as it is right now, and it doesn't necessarily hurt quite as bad when you're farther out, but you're right--it doesn't ever totally go away.

"At Last" was our wedding song too. Dumb choice on my part, it turns out, since it gets played so damned much on commercials, in stores, etc. Drove me nuts earlier on, after Charley died! It's not so bad now. Like everything else, I've just had to suck it up and get used to it. So sometimes now it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't, but I think I still always notice it when it plays anywhere. Grrrr.

I **HATED** that last month or so leading up to the 1-yr mark. It was awful. Not that the days themselves were incredibly awful; I just hated, hated, HATED that it'd been almost a year already and there was nothing I could do about it. And then I got worse after the 1-yr mark. Joy. In hindsight, that 1-yr anniversary has still been one of the hardest, most complicated things to deal with and survive throughout this 4-year-long journey now. I'm so sorry you're having to muddle through it now too.


Stephanie Piontkowski said...

You're always in my thoughts Andrea. Always hoping the pain you feel lessens, your heart heals a bit more each day.

Miss you

Anonymous said...

You are right, time does not help you get over it. I can tell you that time does help you learn to live with it though. I lost a child and he has been gone for over 10 years now and I still think of him every day. The pain isn't gone but I have learned to deal with it. The first year was the hardest. I pray for you and your family.

Shannon said...

I can't even imagine the feeling Andrea, nor would I want to. One thing I do know, is that you are one strong woman! I envy you for that! Not many people could pick up their family and move them across the globe, start all over again, and do it all bu themselves. I give you a big button for that one girl! You have alot of guts! Your a great mom, and right now, that is your hardest job! Eventhough the pain is NOT getting lesser, You are getting stronger! And believe it or not, you are healing, slowly but surely. You would never want to stop thinking about Matt, would you? So I doubt that pain will ever go away, just maybe not be as gut wrenching! Hugs to you my friend! Shannon

Rick said...

You poor thing!!
I know your pain and live it also.

Our wedding song can not be heard on the radio because it was a "B" side song. I pull it out every once in awhile so that I can listen to the words stating that God will not leave Maxine alone (or at the time, me)....
I do need a stiff drink when I listen to it!!!

The pain we feel and the loss we have suffered is now a hole in our heart or soul. The hole either shrinks or can be filled with "another" love, but never will be completely filled in. It was always be there..........

As I started playing hockey at the GOW school Tuesday, I am using a new stick and I have 8-19-08 wrapped around the top with Maxine's initals and MR also for remembering one of the kindest friends I knew, even if it was for such a short period of time. His email touched my heart at the worst time of my friggin' life...........

I was VERY blessed to have known such a "Gentle Giant"!!!

Peace and HUGS-

Anonymous said...

time doesn't make the pain go away. after time you will be more used to the pain. your loss won't hurt less but it will not be debilitating, weaving in and out of your mind instead of stabbing through your heart.

Alicia said...

At 11 months, I was filled with despair and misery. That last month leading up to the one-year mark was brutal, filled with "this time last year."

You will get through it, even though you don't know how.

And it's not simply that time heals, because we know that's not true: It's what you DO with the time that makes a difference.

You know that there is never enough time. Every year you had together -- every day, every moment -- was pure gift. Treasure the past, give thanks for it, and let it give strength to your present, so that one day -- with time -- you can begin to imagine a new time, a new future.

Liz said...


I have been reading your blog for some time now,keeping you and your children in my thoughts.

Just over a year ago my daughter suffered a terrible injury. I witnessed her being harmed and the images and experience are forever etched in my mind. At the time of the anniversary, I had mixed emotions about the event and the person I have become since. I came upon this quote...

"Time doesn't heal anything, time simply passes. It is what we do with our lives while time is passing that either helps us, heals us or keeps us stuck."

I'm still trying not to be stuck! Each and everyday, I try to remind myself of the good in the world, in my life, but I can't help feeling burdened with sadness and grief at times. I still have my daughter with me and for that I am immensely grateful!

Grieve however you need to. Those who love you and your children will understand and support you always.

All my best to you,

Abigail said...

One year is hard and good all at once. Hard, in that somehow everyone around you thinks you're done grieving and feels its time for you to move on and good in that you finally feel like perhaps, just maybe, moving on, if not moving on exactly, is something at least in the realm of attainable.

Try to keep your eye on that tiny crack of light, find those little things that make you happy and do them.

Debbie said...

Andrea, I just came across your blog via Matt's blog on Widow's Voice. I'm trying to catch up reading all your posts. You speak my heart. I loss my husband in a tragic motorcycle accident when a firetruck cut him off and then ran over him on 12/19/08. I know and feel your pain. Time does Not heal, it just lessens the intensity of the pain.