Last night was rough. I tucked Jacob into bed, laid with him and we watched each other's faces until his eyes closed and he fell asleep. Then I started crying, and just couldn't stop. I can usually turn it off at some point, but the whole time I cleaned the kitchen, took a shower and got ready for bed, all I did was cry. It felt kind of good in a way - like a much-needed release, since I'm not always able to do that, but it got annoying after a while. A good friend called me up just before I got into bed - just at the right time, and talked me out of it. I was able to fall asleep able to breathe through my nose.
Then, I had the most wonderful dream. I saw Matt - so clearly. He was leaning up against something, resting on his elbows, talking to a man that was standing to his right. I was to his left... I looked over and saw him, and couldn't believe my eyes. There he was - in the flesh, looking as handsome as ever. He looked to his left and saw me, and gave me a sweet smirk (I call it the Tom Selleck look). I walked up to him and ran my hand slowly along his back, feeling the happiest I've felt in almost eight months. He stood up, and as we got closer to each other's faces, I tried not to get too excited so that I wouldn't wake myself up like I'd done before. Slowly, our faces got very close, and I whispered to him, "I miss you." Then we kissed. As our lips touched, I tried to take it all in - the feel of his lips on mine, our arms around each other, his smell. He smelled different, but who cares... I finally got to see, touch, feel, smell, taste my love after all this time. In my head, I repeated, "I love you I love you I love you" over and over, hoping he could feel all of my love in our kiss.
I woke up very happy this morning. I think Matt knew that I really needed him. I can only hope that I can have more of these dreams, because if I can't have him with me in life, at least I can have him in my dreams. I'll take it.
Jacob and I got up at the same time this morning - 9am!!! It felt great to sleep in... He and I went into Sydney's room, and the two of us crawled into bed with her. It was a great moment - all three of us lined up in her little twin bed, under the flowery covers, as I basked in the memory of a dream that will carry me through another day.