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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Monday, July 6, 2009

July 6, 2009

Last night was rough. I tucked Jacob into bed, laid with him and we watched each other's faces until his eyes closed and he fell asleep. Then I started crying, and just couldn't stop. I can usually turn it off at some point, but the whole time I cleaned the kitchen, took a shower and got ready for bed, all I did was cry. It felt kind of good in a way - like a much-needed release, since I'm not always able to do that, but it got annoying after a while. A good friend called me up just before I got into bed - just at the right time, and talked me out of it. I was able to fall asleep able to breathe through my nose.

Then, I had the most wonderful dream. I saw Matt - so clearly. He was leaning up against something, resting on his elbows, talking to a man that was standing to his right. I was to his left... I looked over and saw him, and couldn't believe my eyes. There he was - in the flesh, looking as handsome as ever. He looked to his left and saw me, and gave me a sweet smirk (I call it the Tom Selleck look). I walked up to him and ran my hand slowly along his back, feeling the happiest I've felt in almost eight months. He stood up, and as we got closer to each other's faces, I tried not to get too excited so that I wouldn't wake myself up like I'd done before. Slowly, our faces got very close, and I whispered to him, "I miss you." Then we kissed. As our lips touched, I tried to take it all in - the feel of his lips on mine, our arms around each other, his smell. He smelled different, but who cares... I finally got to see, touch, feel, smell, taste my love after all this time. In my head, I repeated, "I love you I love you I love you" over and over, hoping he could feel all of my love in our kiss.

I woke up very happy this morning. I think Matt knew that I really needed him. I can only hope that I can have more of these dreams, because if I can't have him with me in life, at least I can have him in my dreams. I'll take it.

Jacob and I got up at the same time this morning - 9am!!! It felt great to sleep in... He and I went into Sydney's room, and the two of us crawled into bed with her. It was a great moment - all three of us lined up in her little twin bed, under the flowery covers, as I basked in the memory of a dream that will carry me through another day.

11 comments:

Ann said...

I have had several of those dreams and you are right - they carry you through when you don't think you can go on. I write them down as soon as I wake up because as real as they feel upon waking, they dim over time.

You are in for a few rough weeks. Be gentle with yourself. My husband's birthday is 2 days after Christmas and mine about one month before. That first year almost killed me.

Danielle said...

I have heard that our loved ones come to us through dreams. He knows when you need him the most and comes to you. That is so great.

netekay said...

You definitely had a visit from Matt. That is so great and I am glad that you remembered it too!

Anglea said...

Wow, Andrea...that gave me goose bumps! I'm so glad this happened for you....I know how much you've been waiting for this moment with Matt. Know that he is always with you and the kids, always!

Shannon said...

Andrea...
Maybe is wasn't a dream! Maybe Matt really did come to you and let you know that he will always be there for you. Angels work in mysterious ways. I remeber when my Gram died. I cried everyday because I never got to say goodbye to her. I went to bed one night, when all of the sudden, she appeared to me "floating" in a red robe she used to wear. She said she wanted to come to say goodbye and let me know everything was going to be okay! I swear it wasn't a dream, but everyone always said it had to be. I'll always believe she is my "special angel" and came to comfort me because she knew how upset I was. As Matt knows how hard this is for you, he is assurng you he is always by your side. Hang in there! Always remember... You have my number if you need to talk! Shannon

Glenda said...

Andrea, I'm so happy you had this dream and I pray you have many more. That you always feel Matt's love, kisses, smell, etc. Matt knew you needed him last night a lot...and he was there for you! That is great! XX

Boo said...

Andrea, that is a wonderful dream. I dream of Cliff often and strangely still seem to be aware that he has gone even when I am dreaming. Are our brains protecting us?

I've made a note that your anniversary is on the 27th hun, no idea what I'm going to do yet either.

Like you I'd rather be with him in dream-land than with anyone else in this world. xx

Rick said...

Matt is very close to you!!!

That is GREAT your dreaming of him!! That is SOME dream!!! WOW!!!AWESOME!!! I actually had my 3rd dream of Max last night, but I wasn't as connected as you were to your dream.

Hang in there and your ALWAYS in my prayers!!

Meghan said...

I told you those dreams would come. I am so happy you had such a wonderful dream. Matt knows how much pain you are in, and he loves you so, so much, and he wanted to show and tell you that.

I will pray for Matt to come and see you more often. :)

Mel said...

Hi, I just found your blog through Crash Course Widow and am impressed by your writing.

My husband died in Jan 07, when I was 8 mo pregnant with our son.

I just wanted to let you know that I had many dreams, too, very vivid ones. Some were just my own mind running through things, but I always knew when it was a dream that Greg had been involved with.

I have always been a skeptic of such things, but now I know that he is still with us. You can trust your instince on this.

Someone once told me very early on to write down my dreams as soon as I wake up. This was great advice, which I followed (even when I didn't feel like it).

You forget details very quickly, so you have to do it as soon as you wake.

After about a year, I read back through my journals and felt like I was reading a series of messages from Greg to me. It was incredible.

Take care and it's nice to find you.

Kate said...

Oh! I love it when they come to visit! Jason hasn't come to me for a long time, but I think he senses that I'm finally doing okay and right now, it's best to stay away.

Sigh. I'm so happy that he came.