For the past eight and a half months, I have felt like none of this really happened. It couldn't have. I'm just playing out some sick, twisted movie plot and going through the motions. Doing and saying what I think are the right things to do and say. Matt didn't really die; this is some horrible hoax, and I'm just playing the part of a widow and single mom. He's going to walk through that door any moment, like nothing ever happened.
Especially the past few days with our wedding anniversary... Everyone probably thinks I'm handling things so well, but in reality, I just simply haven't dealt with it. I've been pushing it aside, and not letting myself feel. After all, I've been so busy with all the paper work, phone calls, arrangments, etc. associated with the purchase of my new home and move across the country, that I haven't even had time to process what's happening in my heart. Thank God. I'm using that to it's full benefit. It's probably not healthy, but that's exactly what I'm doing.
I've also been in complete denial about my uncle. I have not dealt with his death - at all. I haven't sent out a card, email, phone call, nothing yet. I haven't processed it in my head. It doesn't seem real, either. Another man who was so full of life and spunk.
I must have some defense mechanism that's working in overdrive right now trying to keep me sane, preserving my energy for my kids and this house transaction. My friends and family on this coast are totally broken up about the kids and I moving so far away, and as much as I'm going to miss them terribly, all I can think of is, "I can't wait to get the hell out of here!" It's not that it's bad here - not at all. I'm surrounded by so many wonderful people, and my life here was great. But I have to get out.
I feel a little guilty about all this, and about my lack of acknowledgment of my uncle's death, and about my lack of tears about leaving everyone here. But only a little guilty... I'm pushing the guilt feelings aside, too. I'm a cold-hearted bitch.
This self-preservation technique that I've been implementing for the past week or so is bound to bite me in the ass soon.