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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Pain

Picture baiting a hook with a worm... you know how they writhe in pain, squirming in vain to get away? That's how I'm feeling on the inside. On the surface, I'm trying to hold it together, but inside, I'm squirming and writhing in pain. At times, it's unbearable and I try to push it aside and not feel it so intensely, just so I can function.

I just woke up from a dream in which Matt was killed in a different way. The helplessness I felt in the dream is the same; the inability to be there to save my love. The inability to go back in a moment in time and somehow alter the course of events. If only just for a moment...

9 comments:

Meghan said...

Andrea, I am so sorry to hear that you were having nightmares. I promise that eventually they turn into beautiful dreams where you will talk to Matt and catch up on everything. I talk to my mom in my dreams once a week, but it did take me a while to get to the point of having good dreams rather than bad ones. :)

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. While I can't relate to losing a spouse, I have lost loved ones, and I agree with Meghan in that, with time, the dreams become beautiful and meaningful and special.

Hang in there.

PB and Jazz said...

I remember Jackie on Matt's Blog had the same type of dreams. I am sorry. I hope things are going well with your move. Thinking of you.

Hanna's Mommy said...

I'm so, so sorry. I cannot imagine the magnitude of the loss you are feeling. I stumbled upon your blog and just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I pray for the strength you need to carry you through the moments when the pain seems unbearable. No one should have to go through what you are going through. Please know that people care, even complete strangers.

Anonymous said...

When your heart hurts beyond anything you could ever imagine, when the days are to long, the nights much much to long, when the fog is dense in your mind, the reality of life is just real, just give in. Recipe for healing:
Call your friend, family, loved one gulp down the tears/pride and ask them to come over. Let yourself be held in the arms of compassion and weep your heart out. Remember you are human and humans need touch. Let loving arms embrace as you take a moment to purge your hurt.
Know beyond any doubts that there is a God who loves you and has a plan for your precious life.
Get up everyday and breath.
Let time, family, and God birth you into a new reality of life. May you find beauty, laughter, and healing on your path.

You weigh heavy on my heart and are present in my pleading prayers.

Rick said...

Your worm discription is so relatable!! The pain you must be feeling is unimaginable and totally unfair.

Hang in there, you have a lot going on, and it will all end up O.K.!!

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. You're living one of my nightmares. I can't even begin to imagine. I'll be praying for you.

jeana said...

((((HUGS))))

Tonya said...

Andrea, I am so so sorry you have to go through this. But as everyone has said eventually they will turn into better dreams. I hope you have someone who you can call at anytime to just unload on.It is important to have someone. Having lost my husband when the kids were little I know what you're going through. Remember that these awful times will pass and something that might work although it might sound a little silly is as you're going to sleep tell yourself that you're only going to have good dreams, it does work belive I had to try it at time to get by. I will keep you and your children in my prayers.