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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

June 2, 2009

This morning, I dropped Sydney off at Aunt Jennifer's and Jacob at preschool, and then came home so I could finish cleaning for the showing. I pulled into the garage and sat there, looking around, taking it all in, knowing that I won't be looking at all this familiar scenery for very long. I looked out at our long driveway and remembered how well Matt even cared for that, sealing the black top every spring. I looked at the shed - the shed that's probably built better that some people's homes, and picture Matt, his dad and Jacob as a toddler, all working on it together. Three generations of Row boys...

I looked to my left where Matt's truck is parked and tried as hard as I could to see him sitting in it. Just like when I give the kids a bath, I look behind me at the door and try so hard to envision him peeking in, and then coming in to sit with us while the kids are in the tub. Kind of like when I'm laying in bed, and I try to hear the garage door open and close, the sound of his footsteps walking into the house, and into our room. Kind of like when we're at the dinner table and I look at his empty chair and try to picture him sitting with us. Lately when I'm driving around, there are times when I actually see someone in a truck that looks exactly like Matt - tuft of hair on his chin and all. I see him everywhere.

I had to force myself to move so I could get out of the van. Had a minor breakdown as I was getting the rest of the house cleaned up. I was just finishing putting some nice, fresh vacuum lines in the carpet when at least ten agents showed up at the front door.

As I expected, they ooohed and ahhhed - loved every square inch. One of them said she wanted to buy it! The reason they were there was a bit painful (they all have to see it so if people call to inquire, they will know what they're talking about), but it felt good to get a chance to share the beautiful house that Matt and I built with these people who see other people's houses all the time, and to hear the great things they were saying as they walked through each room taking pictures. One of the agents was on the phone with a client, telling them about the house as he walked through.

As soon as they left, my attorney called with an update. I get off the phone w/him, and there's a knock on the door from a man in a police uniform, and of course my pulse quickens and my heart drops into my stomach. It's Matt's friend Dave, who he used to play softball with. He saw the sale sign that the agents just put on the lawn and stopped by to say hi and see what was going on. Said he's been keeping an eye on the house for us, but wasn't sure when it was a good time to stop by to say hello. It's nice to know that people are looking out for us, even when we aren't aware of it. After a short visit, he left and I went my doctor appointment. I won't even get into that one...

I left their office, get in the van, and call my sister to give her the update on my crazy day so far. She tells me she talked to my mother today and got some not so great news about my Uncle Frankie.

Again, I have a hard time forcing myself to move, so I finally muster the strength to leave the parking lot and go grocery shopping. While I'm in the store, my real estate agent called. They already have two interested parties to show the house to - one at 7pm, one at 7:30. Holy shit.

I made arrangements to have the kids stay with Aunt Jennifer for the majority of the evening so that while the house is being shown, I would go to dinner with my friend Kim and take a breath.

On my way to pick up the kids, I got another phone call from my real estate agent, telling me that one of the interested parties is actually very interested and that he would get back to me in the next day or so with more information. Oh my goodness.

It wasn't long before Matt died that I actually vocalized the words, "I feel like I'm living the Groundhog Day movie - same thing... day in and day out." I am eating those words now. All I can say now is, be careful what you wish for, and also be cautious of the words you say outloud. They are very powerful.

12 comments:

Rick said...

I believe that having these moments of memories are very healthy and healing. I find myself purposely doing this at times because its as close as I am going to get to my Maxine, even if it brings a tear, its healing.

There are few things that I have learn in the last few months. Life is precious and comes at you fast. Take life one day at a time.

((((((HUGS)))))) for you and your beautiful children!!

Cammie said...

lots of hugs andrea

LoveLladro said...

Man I don't even know you and I am excited for you. Don't get me wrong, I hurt for you too. To lose your hubby so quickly and unnecessarily is unfathomable but seeing as how that can't be changed... and all you can do is move forward... I am really excited for you.

Michelle said...

Many prayers for you during this difficult process. ((hugs))

Cliff Fazzolari said...

Andrea - we better stay in touch - things have been even more hectic and heartbreaking for us, but getting caught up on your blog has helped me gain a bit more perspective - I wish you all the luck in the world - you'll do great - you're a good person with a strong will. Cliff

Shannon said...

Start packing girlfriend...I have a feeling you will be on your way to CA. It is CA right? I can't ever get it right. Hell, I thought you lived in N. Carolina! Anyhoo, it will be a VERY emotional next couple of months! Get ready. It won't be easy... but well worth it for you and your kids to start over...just be sure it really what ou want to do ! Lots of luck to you! Shannon

Anonymous said...

I wish you only great things. It sounds like this was meant to happen too the way everything is moving so fast. When my husband died I remember thinking I saw him one day in front of me at a stop light. I swear I lost my breath. And even all these years later that still happens so I think it's normal to experience those things. You are so strong and I truly believe this move will be awesome for you and your children. I will keep you in my prayers.

Shannon said...

I found your blog yesterday and I can't imagine going through everything that you've been through. It's amazing.

Anonymous said...

So happy for you! One day at a time...baby steps and you'll make it. Positive thoughts... it's all good for you and the kids from here on out. XO

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Your blog so touched me. Enjoyed reading your blog tonight. I am still finding my way around blogland....I always love making new friends..I am posting about Disney so hope you will stop by. Commenting automatically puts you in the drawing for the June giveaway.

Island Roys said...

Wow! What a day! I'm excited to see how the house hunting goes for you in California. I'm assuming you'll be looking near your brother. Have fun!

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