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Matt and I were together for 10 wonderful years - met in 1998, married in 2002, until his untimely death on November 15, 2008. We have two beautiful, healthy children - Jacob (born 5/04) and Sydney (born 5/07)... the most precious gifts he could have ever given me.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I want to tell him...

Anytime something significant happens, my first inclination is to tell Matt. Even the mundane things I want to tell him.

Matt - guess what?! Michael Jackson died. You probably knew before we did, though... Strange how people around here seem to be dropping like flies now that you're gone. It's scary. I want to tell my Uncle Frankie to say hi to you and give you a hug for me when he gets to Heaven. A part of me is a little jealous that all these people get to see you now. I don't get to see you anymore, until someday when I die. For Jacob and Sydney's sake, I hope it's not for a very long time; otherwise, it really wouldn't matter to me. I would be so pissed if I didn't get to see you after I die, though... Matt, you would have gotten such a kick out of the kids this morning. They greeted each other with sleepy eyes, so happy to see each other, and were locked in a long embrace, full of smiles. You would be so proud of these kids. I told Jacob the other day (as I do often) that I am the luckiest mommy in the world. He said that I'm not, because my daddy died. I explained to him that you were his daddy, not my daddy - that you're my husband. I explained to him that because he and Sydney are my children, that still makes me the luckiest mommy in the world. I'm an unlucky wife for losing my husband, but was the luckiest wife for almost seven years until then. Matt, the kids and I are moving to California. I'm hoping to move by the end of August so Jacob can start school in time. I want you to come with us. I want you to be with us wherever we are. I wish there was some way I could see you again, or at least just talk to you. I wish I could pick up the phone and dial you and hear your voice on the other end. I wish that more than anything right now. The longing gets worse instead of easier to deal with. Maybe by putting this out there in cyberspace, the message will get to you somehow. I love you, Matt. I love you so much.

13 comments:

Cammie said...

sending you a hug Andrea. Cant wait to meet you in August

Ann said...

I have kept a journal of letters to my husband for the last three years. Some days it is the only way to stay in my skin - when there are things I really need to talk to him about, tell him etc. It helps a great deal. Last night I told him about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Good luck with your move. You are a brave woman!

Boo said...

Andrea, thanks for your message on my blog earlier. I've just read most of your blog and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. He has such a kind face and kindness in his eyes (in your wedding photo) and it is so apparent that you were incredibly happy - how cruel. I will follow you on your adventure to California. Carry him in your heart and that way he will come with you :-) hug xx

Glenda said...

Andrea, He will always be with you and the kids. He'll always be a part of you! He'll be in your heart forever! Wishing you the best with your move to California. You are very brave and showing an immense amount of strength. I'm sure the kids give you that extra push...and thank God for the kids! Sending you hugs!

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you... there are no words. Just know that a stranger in cyberspace is thinking of you and wishing only good things for you and your children.

Lisa in Toronto

Suddenwidow said...

(((Hugs))), Andrea. As always, I find myself relating so much to your post. Thanks for sharing. I think I'll go write my husband a letter.

Shannon said...

Andrea..
Matt is with you always. You know that. He hears everything you say and sees everything you do. He is very proud of the way you are raising Jacob and Sydney and starting over w/ your move to California. Believe me, he wishes you the best of luck in everything you do. He loves you still and always will. If you close your eyes, I'm sure you can still feel his arms around you. Take care Andrea. You have my number if you ever need to talk. Shannon

Meghan said...

i think you should start doing what ann is doing, with the journal of letters. i write to my mom all the time. talk to her all the time too.

cant wait to have you in california. you're family is one i will be glad to have in my state ;)

Rick said...

I feel your pain in the general sense. This first year of grief is just like the waves of an ocean. Up and down with the occasional storm and then some nice calm bright sunny days.
What is so special is that Matt is apart of your children and apart of you. Having beautiful children between a loving, married couple is the greatest gift of life. When you look at them, you can see Matt.

Your a very special person and I pray that your new life in California is the next chapter of a great life for you and your family!!

:-)

twelvekindsofcrazy said...

I love the idea of the message going through cyberspace to your husband. And the phone, just picking up the phone and being able to reach him, that was really beautiful.
Sunny Cal-i-forn-IA.
So excited for you.

AndreaRenee said...

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful comments. I can feel the love... It helps so much.

marcie said...

i just found out about your blog through kim, I cannot tell you how much your entrees move me, i have spent countless hours crying for you. I wish I got to know you more! From your journal alone you seem to be an amazing person, good luck with california. scott and I wish you and the kids the best future.
love-Marcie and Scott Seifert

AndreaRenee said...

Marcie! Please email me w/your phone number... I'd love to talk to you - I'm so sorry I missed your shower! XOXO